Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Still have those overwhelming grieving emotions.

grieving

I’ve been doing better lately and I am glad about that.

But, the fact remains, I am so alone in human terms……and I always have been.

My counsellor said one of the most validating things she has said to me, fairly recently. When she stated I never had a mother. And I didn’t. I had a woman who gave birth to me, and then raised me in very harmful home, allowing me to be abused. She was never a mother to me.

I am in a marriage with a man completely self absorbed in his own needs. Couldn’t care less about me, what I have been through…what I continue to deal with. Shows absolutely no compassion or empathy. He has none. The only thing he is interested in regarding my healing….is when he’ll get more sex and when I might start earning money….because he feels he deserves this and a better standard of living than we have…..and it is my fault that he does not have what he ‘deserves’.

Due to my self harming needs in the past…..I have been drawn to those who will hurt me….which I didn’t know about at the time…it was subconscious trauma induced behaviours, so my ‘friends’ have been selfish, narcissistic people. It is what I have been used to, since childhood.

I tried to make friends in a church a few years ago….you would think that would be ‘safer’……but it turned out to be considerable harm. In fact, the trauma – as defined as in counselling – was very damaging. And now I know so much about how badly church people in general deal with abuse and child abuse, I am too fearful to attend a church again, or risk my children getting hurt.

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And now I am so scared of getting hurt again……..I stay away from people.

So, I realise, I have been alone all my life….and I still am.

I have none of my needs met by anyone…..and I know I won’t, because my husband is incapable, due to his mental health issues.

I am doing better…….in many ways…….but this grieving, this deep realisation that all I know – is too late……hurts.

And I know it will.

It isn’t just going to go away.

I am completely alone.

And that isn’t going to change.

And it is part of my lifelong journey, to grieve this.

The grieving will never stop.


I cry for other people’s lives becoming better and healing.

I am such a sook.

I receive messages all the time about my work, and how it helps people and I am so thankful anything I write and share helps people.

When people send me really long emails (which is often), detailing how all the stuff I write has positively impacted their life so profoundly…it makes me cry.

tears

Cry with such thankfulness, that their life has improved and they are now on a path of healing.

I have people tell me I have ‘saved their life’…….but I don’t save lives….I only put out stuff in a real, raw way, that resonates with people who are suffering and struggling, in a way that people relate to.

It is why I do what I do…and is my passion and my calling.

To make a difference, to positively help in anyone’s life.

And I am aware of the difference, it makes to so many lives.

And I have a heart of gratitude, for this.


It really bothers me when people are….

sigh

People who enjoy provoking other people, including their own children….

Or enjoying that other people are having to do something they don’t like….

Not being happy for other people’s happiness & trying to take that joy away….

And sarcasm as the only sense of humour….

But have no joy or positive emotions for nice, good things in life and for other people…

Really bother me.

And I live with this every day.

*sigh.


I cannot praise God enough….for Pope Francis. The world needs to take note of a ‘real’ Christian.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/15/pope-francis-charlie-hebdo_n_6478104.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/12/pope-francis-religious-fundamentalism-terror-attacks_n_6454708.html

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2015/01/29/trans-man-rejected-by-his-catholic-church-so-pope-francis-invites-him-to-the-vatican-for-a-hug-video/


I knew it was likely to be a personality disorder….

My husband finally went to the doctors, about his continual low mood, depressive issues, egocentricity stuff, narcissistic traits, no humour except for sarcasm, self serving only behaviours/attitudes etc….

And the doc has stated he probably has Depressive Personality Disorder… which makes sense, because he even admits that he has been a depressive, non joyful person since being a teenager and that his issues are nothing to do with anyone else…..they are his own issues.

And Depressive Personality Disorder often co-occurs with high level narcissistic traits, I know I have done the research.

So, now it will be ‘his’ responsibility to manage his issues and the effect his disorder has on our children and on me.

And his issues ‘do’ affect my children and me in a very negative way….and that is not okay.

So my priority is to my children……because they are not able to deal with adult issues like this and they do ‘not’ deserve to be put down, provoked, lied to, lied about etc….because their father cannot yet handle his own issues.

As a mother……I will protect my children….that is my No 1 priority.

As a wife…..I will do all I can to help my husband, because I want him to be a happy, thankful joyful person…….but I am no responsible for his issues…….’he’ has to do the work of managing his own issues and not just assuming it is tough luck and we should all just walk on egg shells around him.

I knew there was something wrong and it is a personality disorder problem….and I am glad I persuaded him to sort this out.


This is a response to someone’s comments about this…..

It’s taken me 15 years of dealing with his stuff…..before I could get him to go to the docs.

My boundaries and assertiveness, have become a lot healthier lately and I no longer assume any of his issues are related to me – they are a projection of himself….because these are his issues he has had since teenager/childhood.

Which is why I know it is a personality disorder, because it has been pervasive enduring issues.

And I know I was drawn to him, because of my emotional self harming issues.

And he has hurt me a lot….a lot of lying, deviousness, manipulation and selfish behaviours…..with no empathy, respect or love shown to me…..which I am allowed to feel very hurt about.

I’m taking the approach of letting him know I want ‘him’ to be happy for himself, but also for things to improve for our family. I will do all I can to help him….but with healthy boundaries in place.