I’ve been doing better lately and I am glad about that.
But, the fact remains, I am so alone in human terms……and I always have been.
My counsellor said one of the most validating things she has said to me, fairly recently. When she stated I never had a mother. And I didn’t. I had a woman who gave birth to me, and then raised me in very harmful home, allowing me to be abused. She was never a mother to me.
I am in a marriage with a man completely self absorbed in his own needs. Couldn’t care less about me, what I have been through…what I continue to deal with. Shows absolutely no compassion or empathy. He has none. The only thing he is interested in regarding my healing….is when he’ll get more sex and when I might start earning money….because he feels he deserves this and a better standard of living than we have…..and it is my fault that he does not have what he ‘deserves’.
Due to my self harming needs in the past…..I have been drawn to those who will hurt me….which I didn’t know about at the time…it was subconscious trauma induced behaviours, so my ‘friends’ have been selfish, narcissistic people. It is what I have been used to, since childhood.
I tried to make friends in a church a few years ago….you would think that would be ‘safer’……but it turned out to be considerable harm. In fact, the trauma – as defined as in counselling – was very damaging. And now I know so much about how badly church people in general deal with abuse and child abuse, I am too fearful to attend a church again, or risk my children getting hurt.
And now I am so scared of getting hurt again……..I stay away from people.
So, I realise, I have been alone all my life….and I still am.
I have none of my needs met by anyone…..and I know I won’t, because my husband is incapable, due to his mental health issues.
I am doing better…….in many ways…….but this grieving, this deep realisation that all I know – is too late……hurts.
And I know it will.
It isn’t just going to go away.
I am completely alone.
And that isn’t going to change.
And it is part of my lifelong journey, to grieve this.
The grieving will never stop.