Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Still have those overwhelming grieving emotions.

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grieving

I’ve been doing better lately and I am glad about that.

But, the fact remains, I am so alone in human terms……and I always have been.

My counsellor said one of the most validating things she has said to me, fairly recently. When she stated I never had a mother. And I didn’t. I had a woman who gave birth to me, and then raised me in very harmful home, allowing me to be abused. She was never a mother to me.

I am in a marriage with a man completely self absorbed in his own needs. Couldn’t care less about me, what I have been through…what I continue to deal with. Shows absolutely no compassion or empathy. He has none. The only thing he is interested in regarding my healing….is when he’ll get more sex and when I might start earning money….because he feels he deserves this and a better standard of living than we have…..and it is my fault that he does not have what he ‘deserves’.

Due to my self harming needs in the past…..I have been drawn to those who will hurt me….which I didn’t know about at the time…it was subconscious trauma induced behaviours, so my ‘friends’ have been selfish, narcissistic people. It is what I have been used to, since childhood.

I tried to make friends in a church a few years ago….you would think that would be ‘safer’……but it turned out to be considerable harm. In fact, the trauma – as defined as in counselling – was very damaging. And now I know so much about how badly church people in general deal with abuse and child abuse, I am too fearful to attend a church again, or risk my children getting hurt.

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And now I am so scared of getting hurt again……..I stay away from people.

So, I realise, I have been alone all my life….and I still am.

I have none of my needs met by anyone…..and I know I won’t, because my husband is incapable, due to his mental health issues.

I am doing better…….in many ways…….but this grieving, this deep realisation that all I know – is too late……hurts.

And I know it will.

It isn’t just going to go away.

I am completely alone.

And that isn’t going to change.

And it is part of my lifelong journey, to grieve this.

The grieving will never stop.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Still have those overwhelming grieving emotions.

  1. How i feel. I did have a mother but she was too blasé and in her own world most of the times we ended up in bad situations. I been in a really bad space lately. Trying to stay off fbk. Hubby still away. Twins are OK. Counselor away. Nobody else who understands how bad i want to hurt myself. But i trying so hard not to. Talking to people but them not knowing how to respond i add like why should i talk anyway. Ugh. And i been having the fuckn most hideous body memories that i want to vomit. And i feel like i just can’t share with anyone so that’s when you end up feeling so alone.

  2. Im at the place that Im keeping everyone out emotionally …its automatic… even with God, its this far and no closer. I feel guilty…because I know in my head …He is love and grace… but I cant take any more betrayal …. Ive trusted, and let down my guard to those who should have been trust worthy….. I feel it isnt worth it anymore….a crumb of love or affection isnt worth the effort.