Seeking advice from a solictor this week… about divorce.

I’ve been abused all my life, either by family, husbands, abusers…… and I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life, suffering abuse….or for my children to be subjected to it either.

I know why I married both my husbands, I know it was because I didn’t think I deserved someone who would care about me and I had abuse re-enacting issues. I have always veered towards abusive, selfish men who will hurt me. I am aware it is all related to my previous trauma and abuse throughout my childhood.

Today, I was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused and my husband has no remorse, no conscience, no empathy about it. He said an abrupt ‘I’m sorry’ later – but it was completely non genuine and I do not have to accept a non genuine apology, that I know was only said for his benefit…..because really he knows he went too far, again.

His ego and narcissism, believe though, he is entitled to shout and yell and swear at me….even though completely unprovoked by me and whilst I am really upset because I thought a huge truck was about to plough into me. And he knows I have PTSD, anxiety, hyper vigilance.

Since this non genuine apology, he has stated that shouting, yelling, swearing at me….all because I (rightly) criticised his driving due to a near crash….was not abuse – as per him. He claims it was just an ‘argument’. Typical narcissistic response.

“It’s not abuse or domestic violence, unless it’s intimidation”. Actually that is incorrect and actually it is intimidation.

While out with my husband earlier, we nearly had an accident whilst going around a roundabout, where my husband was driving too fast and too close to a truck. The truck was within 30 cm’s of the passenger door….and having anxiety, hyper vigilance and PTSD…seeing this huge truck so close and believing it could smash into the side of the car on my side, I panicked and got really upset. A typical PTSD reaction to getting potentially seriously hurt.

Because I told my husband he was driving too fast and too close to the truck (which he was) …..he yelled and shouted at me. Whilst doing this he also shouted ‘and if I want to shout, I fucking will!’.

Whilst he was shouting and yelling at me, I remained calm, despite the near truck crash incident……holding onto knowing that my husbands deeply selfish, nasty, abusive response, and his shouting and yelling at me….was ‘his’ issues and his rage and narcissism.

I calmly told him later that his behaviour was verbal and emotional abuse….totally non justifiable and domestic violence. His highly defensive and typical narcissistic response and….because he is a cop (which is actually making his psychopathic / narcissistic traits worse and many cops have these issues and have domestic violence marriages) and thinks he ‘knows it all’……he stated ‘it isn’t domestic violence because there was no intimidation” – in his sneering and condescending way, he likes.

Any abuse, including verbal abuse – yelling/shouting  – particularly as he made it very clear he felt VERY entitled and wanted to shout and scream at me – by his very own words……is domestic violence.

This would be why me and self serve check outs……are not friends lol! :)

This is why self serve checkouts and I…..are not friends!

I will queue up behind 10 overflowing trolleys, before I will use a self serve checkout!

No, my patience levels are not perfect……. yes I have anxiety…… yes I swear when my anxiety is up…… yes I get flustered in public….. yes I am working on it….. still 😉

Stockholm Syndrome leaves scars that last a lifetime.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2320628/Inside-mind-kidnap-victim-How-Stockholm-Syndrome-leaves-scars-lifetime.html

http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/mental-disorders/stockholm-syndrome.htm

In all the research I have done about complex trauma, captivity abuse, psychopaths etc, the issue of Stockholm Syndrome has come up many times.

Some of the things I wrote on my healing page, were commented by others as being Stockholm Syndrome. I have always denied this, because it is a huge psychological issue to get your head around.

I wasn’t kidnapped, in the most obvious way, I wasn’t abducted off the street, by a stranger. My captor, who was old enough to be my father, I knew, and the ‘relationship’ began with my consent, however, now I know it was all due to intense and prolonged, meticulous grooming, for considerable time.

This psychopath, planned it and continued with his obsession with me, for a period of years. To cut a long story short, he was a friend of my (abusive) step fathers, and at the point where…

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Healing….. is not about being ‘addicted’ to trauma, abuse and suffering.

I’ve spend 3 years, thinking about, researching, processing, and grieving abusive people and the harm they caused me.

And I did need that period of time because I have endured so much trauma and abuse…..and I also sadly endured further trauma and abuse (spiritual / narcissist minister / unhealthy church abuse)…….whilst trying to deal with trauma and abuse from the past.

And even though this last 3 years has been so intensely painful and nearly killed me several times….. I had to go through it… to heal.

But, there comes a time, when we need to make a choice, to reduce this.

Otherwise, we do just become addicted to the abusers, and the abuse.

And addiction to trauma and abuse……is very common.

It is a choice that needs to be made ~ to *not* allow ourselves to be addicted to the trauma, abuse and suffering.

And make the choice…..to have more positive, joyful and lovely things within our lives and within our thoughts.

Something I discussed in counselling and was validated, as correct.

We do have power over our thoughts.

And no-one deserves to be addicted to trauma, abuse and suffering.

Carl G Jung quote ^^^

We do deserve to have increasing joy, happiness and goodness in our lives.

But, we have to *want* that.

There is a period of time for processing, learning about trauma, dealing with the reality of the horrific abuse we have endured.

But, that period of time…..is not needed to be indefinite.

I want hope and healing for people……and this is my passion.

❤

We all need to stop looking only outwards….and start looking inwards..

Unless you are looking into your own heart and soul….and dealing with darkness you ‘will’ find there ~ because we ‘all’ have it….you are not being honest.

Those who continually look at others and talk about ‘their’ darkness…. but fail to take the inner journey……

Are simply hypocrites.

And those who don’t believe there is any darkness within…..are very deceived, have big ego issues, lack courage and lack self insight.

It takes great honesty, courage and inner strength to take the real inner journey…..find the darkness, illuminate it and want to get rid of it.

Most people do not have the courage, or capacity for self honesty to take the inner journey…..the ‘real’ inner journey.

Which is sad……..because it is needed for growth, maturity & wisdom.