Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Seeking advice from a solictor this week… about divorce.

8 Comments

I’ve been abused all my life, either by family, husbands, abusers…… and I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life, suffering abuse….or for my children to be subjected to it either.

I know why I married both my husbands, I know it was because I didn’t think I deserved someone who would care about me and I had abuse re-enacting issues. I have always veered towards abusive, selfish men who will hurt me. I am aware it is all related to my previous trauma and abuse throughout my childhood.

Today, I was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused and my husband has no remorse, no conscience, no empathy about it. He said an abrupt ‘I’m sorry’ later – but it was completely non genuine and I do not have to accept a non genuine apology, that I know was only said for his benefit…..because really he knows he went too far, again.

His ego and narcissism, believe though, he is entitled to shout and yell and swear at me….even though completely unprovoked by me and whilst I am really upset because I thought a huge truck was about to plough into me. And he knows I have PTSD, anxiety, hyper vigilance.

Since this non genuine apology, he has stated that shouting, yelling, swearing at me….all because I (rightly) criticised his driving due to a near crash….was not abuse – as per him. He claims it was just an ‘argument’. Typical narcissistic response.

I’m done.

Getting divorced is 100% not something I want…..but neither is increasing covert manipulation, abuse, the lies, not being able to stand up for myself – without fearing the intimidation of being yelled and shouted at etc  and worse…. my children being affected and growing up to be the same as him.

I don’t want to leave my family’s current home – where my children love to live, are happy and have grown up in. Or my home that is my safe place. The first safe place I have had all my life. But I won’t be able to afford the mortgage to stay here and will have to sell and move no doubt. And I am gutted and become very emotional if I think about this reality.

I don’t know how I am going to support my children, when I am currently unable to work to financially support them…… so we will have to manage on benefits and whatever my husband chooses to contribute.

I am pretty numb.

I really did not want it to come to this.

I don’t want my children to have to go through any of this, at all.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Seeking advice from a solictor this week… about divorce.

  1. So very sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking! I put a hex on that creep.

  2. I am sorry to hear this, i believe it is the right course of action, you are not going to heal from C-PTSD if you are still in an abusive situation, there will be no healing. I had to leave my marriage over ten yrs ago, then 5 yrs later was with a religious sociopath for 5 yrs and was abused a lot worse. when i came out of that marriage 10 yrs ago i was full of hope for the future, i had a lot of therapy and was going well, then i met the sociopath, its been over 18 months out of that and ive never been so traumatised in my life, nor can i get much help for C-PTSD. Nobody is sympathetic, just tell me to “move on” I hate the unit where i live, i have no money nor can i work. But i cant stay on a medical certificate for the rest of my life, have been refused any disability pension and will be forced to find work soon. I dont know how i will do it, i can hardly even do housework or cook for my kids, that is a major effort. I dont know what the answer is but i dont see much hope for the future, i no longer have hope of meeting some “nice man”. I can no longer go to any church either, i had one friend left after the sociopath and she is sick of hearing about it. Even though my Mother does help in some practical areas she has no compassion for any of the abuse iveendured. When i talk about sociopathy/narcissism people think im crazy. I saw a psychologist who basically thought i was paranoid delusional when i tried to explain the smear campaign that was done on me in churches and where i live, nor did she have any understanding of the mass triangulation i endured for 5 yrs, its very hard to “prove” she wanted proof. And how do you afford therapy anyway when you hardly have enough money for food.

  3. When ihave told most counselors or therapists i was with a sociopath they dont really believe me.

  4. I’m so glad to hear you are leaving this man. It has bothered me for some time now, reading your posts, that this man is abusive. Please leave , and take care of yourself. Be safe!

  5. I’m sorry lilly but you know in your heart you don’t deserve this anymore. You will get through this. Xx thinking of you. How about selling some craft online.