I’ve been abused all my life, either by family, husbands, abusers…… and I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life, suffering abuse….or for my children to be subjected to it either.
I know why I married both my husbands, I know it was because I didn’t think I deserved someone who would care about me and I had abuse re-enacting issues. I have always veered towards abusive, selfish men who will hurt me. I am aware it is all related to my previous trauma and abuse throughout my childhood.
Today, I was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused and my husband has no remorse, no conscience, no empathy about it. He said an abrupt ‘I’m sorry’ later – but it was completely non genuine and I do not have to accept a non genuine apology, that I know was only said for his benefit…..because really he knows he went too far, again.
His ego and narcissism, believe though, he is entitled to shout and yell and swear at me….even though completely unprovoked by me and whilst I am really upset because I thought a huge truck was about to plough into me. And he knows I have PTSD, anxiety, hyper vigilance.
Since this non genuine apology, he has stated that shouting, yelling, swearing at me….all because I (rightly) criticised his driving due to a near crash….was not abuse – as per him. He claims it was just an ‘argument’. Typical narcissistic response.
Getting divorced is 100% not something I want…..but neither is increasing covert manipulation, abuse, the lies, not being able to stand up for myself – without fearing the intimidation of being yelled and shouted at etc and worse…. my children being affected and growing up to be the same as him.
I don’t want to leave my family’s current home – where my children love to live, are happy and have grown up in. Or my home that is my safe place. The first safe place I have had all my life. But I won’t be able to afford the mortgage to stay here and will have to sell and move no doubt. And I am gutted and become very emotional if I think about this reality.
I don’t know how I am going to support my children, when I am currently unable to work to financially support them…… so we will have to manage on benefits and whatever my husband chooses to contribute.
I am pretty numb.
I really did not want it to come to this.
I don’t want my children to have to go through any of this, at all.