Solitude, is healing and I really need it……. often and increasingly so.

My solitude….. makes my life worth living.

I need it, I crave it and I cherish it.

It enables me to think, to process, to heal.

And have peace.

I cherish and love my family…. my children, my husband. I find them challenging and exhausting to be around, but I love them deeply and I do everything in my capacity to be a decent mother and wife and consider and address their needs, happiness and growth.

I am pursuing meeting up with selective friends ~ who share the same type of soul and heart as myself. I am excited to be meeting up with a friend next week, for the first time and I know it will be so lovely.

I do enjoy and look forward to my counselling time each week and spending time with someone wise, who I listen to and learn from and have increasing trust in…. which is a first for me….. trust. And I do realise, at some point that will end, as my counselling won’t need to continue forever. Which is something I have not yet got my head around…. and causes me anxiety when I do.

But, I very much need my alone time.

And lots of it.

I no longer ‘need’ people, the way I used to think I did.

I choose to spend time, with those I love and cherish.

But, alone is where I am most comfortable and peaceful.

Trip down memory lane……

Being able to dance like Shakira, went down well with the men…. as intended ….

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I have come a long way, since my ‘Flaunt It’ & ‘In Da Club’ days….

I loved this when it came out, and it very much represents my lifestyle in my 20’s…..

I’ve come a looooooooong way since those days…..

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Taking a trip down memory lane……… is a very bizarre experience.

It is as though I am a completely different person….. to the person who enjoyed this lifestyle.

I had no idea of the harm I was causing myself.

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I loved this 50 Cent track when it came out…. very appropriate lyrics for me…..

I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed

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It is so very clear to me, how I sought to be hurt and treated like shit by men.

All part of my abuse re-enactment issues.

Like a moth to the flame…

I didn’t know any other way…… and it was how I was groomed to me, from childhood.

My body and my mind, responds sexually, to being used, harmed, treated badly, roughly, hurt and abused.

As it was taught to.

My abusers, internalised, and the abuse continued… to myself…… by myself and what I allowed.

All completely subconsciously.

‘An eye for an eye’ ……… is not healthy thinking…… it is darkness.

I fully believe in appropriate action against abusive people.

I believe in seeking police/legal/court action.

I believe in exposing the abuse.

I believe in dealing with it fully.

I believe in protecting future victims, especially from unrepentant, non-remorseful people, or those incapable of rehabilitation.

I believe in jail for life, for those who are known to be very likely to re-offend.

I do not believe in wanting people to ‘suffer’ back. Or be in pain back. Or ‘burn in hell’.

Or any of those other vengeful based dark heart issues, so many believe are okay.

They are not okay, not justifiable.

People who believe they are……. are simply colluding with darkness, too.

I can hate what people did to me.

I can hate abuse.

I can hate the way others hurt people.

I can fully accept all the deep harm caused to me…….. and not invalidate that….

Without wanting bad things to happen to them.

My mind is not wired, to want bad things to happen to anyone…….. no matter what ‘they’ have done.

I like ‘unusual people’ ……. like Kate Bush …….she’s definitely ‘kooky’ …. :)

I love Kate’s unusual and deep lyrics and her interpretative dance. She’s definitely not ‘boring’ and I like that about her.