Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I asked the question I had been avoiding…….. not looking forward to the response.

My doctor/counsellor, is a church person.

I have integrity to my beliefs about child abuse, including physical discipline – being child abuse. And that it is not excusable, or condonable and shows darkness to me, I cannot have in my life.

So, I’ve asked the question, as to whether she agrees with, promotes, enables and encourages hitting children, as okay.

I have to ask it.

I am completely committed to removing anyone who promotes child abuse………. out of my life, immediately.

I will not have that darkness, in my life.

If people are capable of planned intent child abuse (sociopathy) ……. they are capable of any darkness.

I will not allow that in my life.

If she says yes – she hit her kids, or allowed her husband to, and thinks it’s okay – I will no longer be going to counselling.

And I care about her, far more than I should, so this will be very hard to deal with and there will be intense emotions and grieving.

And a deep sense of feeling very disappointed yet again, by another person I wanted to trust. And it will be my own fault I know. I made the choice to go to counselling, I made the choice, to not ask the question a lot sooner…

Preparing myself for the answer.

I am still feisty ~ when dealing with people hurting those I care about…

It’s the way it’s always been.

Since childhood..

I needed to protect and parent my sisters….. due to being raised in a harmful home, by harmful & neglecting parents and us all getting abused…… which I cared/care more about, than the parents.

I suffered parentification abuse, amongst all the other abuse.

I was my sister’s parent.

I still ‘parent’ and ‘protect’ people I care about.

And I can be pretty feisty about it too.

I will tell people who are hurting others……. sit down, wind your neck in, and shut up.

I have never been someone to ignore others getting hurt.

Not the same with myself getting hurt, I believed I deserved that.

But, very aware that abuse to others…… is not okay and not to be ignored.

And I’m okay with that.

Now, I can just do it more appropriately and with more self control.

But…… that feisty protective mode…….. is still in there.

Feisty protective mode, has been unleashed twice today. And it was needed!


Sometimes, it is needed to tell selfish/narcissistic people straight up… shut up.

A post to my page, after I read another admin, was hassled and criticised…….

I just saw a post on another page…….. where a wonderful admin, who has a heart of gold….. and is going through some heavy stuff herself….. has been criticised by people.


I’ve had my fair share of criticism too.

Quite frankly…….. it is a very selfish/narcissistic heart, that criticises page admins, knowing we too are in this healing journey.

And the criticism, that the posts are not what that person wants/needs ……when they are what ‘others’ need…. completely selfish too.

Only deeply selfish and narcissistic minds, think they have the right & entitlement to criticise.

Most page admins are truly wanting to help others, and put in a lot of hard work & effort and spend a lot of time posting info for ‘others’.

And some selfish, narcissistic people…… have to come along and be critical and complain.

Isn’t that truly quite disgusting?!

Admins are survivors too……. we are people going through lots of our own crap, dealing with trauma and grieving, just like everyone else.

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‘Selective’ empathy …. is not empathy.

People talk a lot of empathy…… they claim to have it…… yet prove all the time, they don’t.

I believe empathy is actually rare.

Most people just have sympathy. If that.

A true empathic soul, feels empathy for those who do terrible things too, not just nice people.

And this to me, is the test for empathy.

I have never wished for, or wanted bad things to happen to any of my abusers. I don’t take pleasure from wishing bad things to happen to anyone.

I have put myself into abusers lives and viewed it from what they see and feel, and been in tears for them, and so sad that their lives are the way they are. That they have no love, no understanding of good and can’t have joy and happiness from good things. It’s so horrible, for them. And I don’t want that for them.

People think I’m weird……….. because I have cried, for a sadistic psychopath, a paedophile, an alcoholic, gambling addict abusive husband, my current husband, my family of origin.

I see stories on the news and I feel so sad for these people who do terrible things to others.

I do not in any way condone any of what they have done, but I still desperately wish their lives were different, for them.

I need to stay right away from abusive people, or ‘abuse condoning’ people…….. I cannot tolerate that in my life anymore, because I have had so much abuse and darkness in my life.

And empathy is not about ‘tolerating’, ‘enduring’, ‘excusing’, or ‘condoning’ people’s abuse. Empathy is not about being a martyr for other people’s abuse.

And empathy is not about ‘liking’ the person, or trying to ‘find the good’, to ignore the bad.

And empathy doesn’t mean you can’t have good boundaries, in fact you need them.

More things many people get confused about.

And even though I need to stay away from abusive people, or abuse condoning people, that doesn’t stop me from having empathy for anyone who is ill, sick, mentally unwell and doing terrible things.

I don’t have ‘selective empathy’.

I can have empathy (although I need boundaries on it because empathy is painful) for anyone, no matter what they have done.

And that is real empathy.


I truly do need to live a solitary life, for the majority of my time.

The more I know and see about humanity, the more I don’t like people. And I don’t ‘have’ to ‘like’ people. I don’t hate people, I don’t wish anything bad on them, I wish only good things. I can still care about them, and be so sad for their issues, whilst completely disliking their character, behaviours and actions.

But, I have little in common with most people and I don’t want bad, toxic, unhealthy vibes in my life.

I know wise old souls, need to be alone a lot…….. and I am increasingly very secure and happy within my own company. Where I can think, ponder life, heal my own self, enjoy nice things and keep darkness away from my life.

I have already seen and endured

many lifetimes of darkness

and I am done.

As I grow, heal…… I become increasingly aware of my differences to most and I am actually okay with them. I don’t think I am better than anyone, but I am very different. I’ve never fitted in, never been an average kind of person, and now I am actually thankful I know this.

I have had so much ‘people’ issues to deal with in life…… that I really am done.

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Pics from the yard……. things that fill me with gratitude & joy :)


My children’s outdoor craft area, where they delighted in painting again today 🙂


Paintings drying 🙂


Pinky – the Flamingo – has had babies 😉


Mr Fox, hiding and snoozing amongst the flowers 🙂


My hibiscus, I will soon be able to make tea with 🙂

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The Pope & I ….. disagree completely on this…. physical discipline *is* child abuse.


“Spare the rod, spoil the child” ……… is so widely misinterpreted, and neuroscience proves physical discipline, is abuse.

I am really disappointed in the Pope having this view.

Abuse is never ‘beautiful’.

I am aware that people have different views, but when it comes to child abuse……. it is a ‘non negotiable’ issue to me.

Feel sad now.

I thought more highly of the Pope…… than I should have.

I hate that child abuse…. is condoned and enabled in churches.

I hate that the Pope is now encouraging child abuse, due to this.

Now, there is a part of me that wants to completely ignore the Pope, and place him in the ‘enables child abuse ~ so avoid like the fucking plague’ pile.

Christians, should not be voicing to the world, that child abuse is okay.



A post to my page on when to consider ‘no contact’.

~~~ When to consider ‘no contact’ ~~~

Healthy emotional boundaries, are very much needed and an act of self care and self respect.

If the harm people cause – including family members – continues to hurt your healing journey and hurt your heart and soul….

And they will not change, or respect boundaries….

Then it can be needed to consider no contact.

My family of origin are so toxic and harmful….. I do have to have no contact.

My view…… along with many mental health professionals…… is that to keep being within toxic relationships – is in fact a form of emotional self harm and self sabotage….

We do not need to be ‘martyrs’ …. to others people’s abusive ways.

Some people will claim you ‘should’ stay in contact with certain people e.g. your parents, adult children….. no matter what they do.

But, this is psychologically very wrong and damaging to ‘tell’ someone that….. and is a form of abuse too.

Going ‘no contact’ is a very difficult and emotional decision and one that needs a great deal of thought.

But ask yourself…….. do you ‘deserve’ to keep being emotionally harmed by someone?

I used to believe I did deserve this, I had issues with thinking I needed to be hurt, I wasn’t worthy of anything better….

But not anymore.

And this does not mean I hate those people I have no contact with…… I don’t. I don’t hate anyone. Not any of my abusers.

But, my self worth, self care and self compassion….. along with my healthy emotional boundaries, have all increased…… as my healing increases.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario