Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Domestic violence, re-traumatising and re-victimising abuse survivors…….. evil – all in plain sight.

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/world/mum-forced-to-write-to-monster-who-beat-her-and-slit-her-throat-in-front-of-their-kids/story-fnihsmjt-1227221850044

A MOTHER who was brutally beaten and had her throat cut by her ex-fiance has to write him regular letters or she will go to jail.  

Natalie Allman, 29, was ordered to keep Jason Hughes updated on the lives on their twin sons, after he tortured her in front of them for seven hours.

Ms Allman has to send her attacker three letters a year, along with photos of their five-year-old boys, Sunday People reported.

When the boys were two, they watched their father batter their mum with his dumbbells, slash her throat with an army knife and try to ­suffocate her with a pillow at their home in Herefordshire, England

Now, the mum of two risks prison for contempt of court if she doesn’t correspond with the monster who subjected her to this sickening attack.

The couple broke up in 2012, with Ms Allman citing his controlling behaviour and heavy drinking. Hughes, 42, was still living in the house until he found somewhere else.

Then the former soldier found out she was seeing someone new. The sleeping mother awoke to him kneeling over her, punching her repeatedly in the face. She passed out and came around at 3am to face another frenzied battering, and another at 6am. He tied her up to stop her escaping, and slit her throat with a knife that missed a major artery by millimetres.

At 7am, she managed to call the police. When officers arrived, the couple’s two-year-old twins were in bed with their mother and covered in her blood.

Incredibly, she survived the horrific attack, which left her with eight wounds to her head and five broken bones in her face. Hughes was ­sentenced to nine years at Worcester Crown Court in 2012 for malicious wounding with intent to cause grievous bodily harm.

In January 2014, Ms Allman received his lawyers’ letter demanding to communicate with the children, and in Easter, she found herself in court.

Now, she has to send photos and “an update regarding the ­children’s general progress, both at nursery/school and socially, to include details of their health and emotional ­development”.

She fears the contact could encourage Hughes to come and find them — and he could be out by March next year.


This story breaks my heart. To know what this psychopathic person has done to this woman and his children…… is horrific enough.

But, the system – the legal system run by too many psychopathic people itself, is traumatising this woman further by forcing her to write to him.

This man should be in prison for attempted murder … and she should never have to have contact with him again. Or the children have contact with him.

The trauma this man has already subjected them too, is beyond comprehension and is evil at work. Anyone capable of that, does not deserve to be given the opportunity to do it again …. especially to his former victims.

Yes, there will be mental health issues involved in why he did this. Yes, many who come out of the army are really fucked up, and I have empathy for that. I see they are trained to be psychopaths and that is horrible. And what they see in combat etc, fucks them up even more.

But, it was still a *choice* this man made, to torture this woman, in front of children.

Horrific.

And if he’s done it before, he can do it again.

Society is groomed to accept abuse, domestic violence, child abuse.

I see this clearly and it is why abuse of every kind, is increasing.

The lack of wisdom, lack of empathy, in society is astounding. And tragically horrific too.


How I feel when I am alone, in my yard/garden…. free, happy, joyful :)

I have created a life for myself, within my life…… where I can enjoy my alone time, I crave and I need it.

It is where I feel most at peace, feel freedom, feel content, feel happy, feel joy.

I feel light in my life …….. I have never known before.

I feel Jesus’ presence ~ right beside me and God’s love shining down on me.

free fairy


Fab quality family time, and my fun happy me, is definitely back :)

Yesterday, it was my youngest son’s Birthday treat at his favourite putt putt golf. My boys all love golf and this particular place we go to for special occasions, is really lovely. They have cool music playing and it adds to the fun side of it 🙂

I like to encourage activities to do for special occasions, rather than just material things/presents, and as we have no family, it’s just the 4 of us.

We had lots of fun, as always and I took lots of pics, and will make up a big collage of the best pics, and put it up on the wall.

I am focussing on making fun times, really enjoyable for my family, encouraging their fun, happy side….. because my husband is a grumpy old man, my 12 year old has teenage hormones – which are not fun, and my 5 year old is picking up on all that.

So despite the fact that my husband did something really irritating, selfish and dishonest (not unusual) just as we were leaving….. I chose not to allow that to piss me off for long and focussed on having fun – for my children ……. and it was fun! 🙂

After the golf, we went to our favourite restaurant for dinner and had yummy food, which we all enjoyed and my son exclaimed it was the “best day ever!!!”

I indulged in two Long Island Iced Tea’s… while we were enjoying our meal. Alcohol, is still one of my issues and I am aware of that, and it has increased a bit, since coming off all medications …. but…. it made me even happier and a little silly (appropriate), which my children enjoyed. And my children thought I was drinking coke.

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The inability to feel or gain pleasure, from ‘normal’ things.

I am very aware of how psychopaths and sociopaths minds work, because I had to learn the way they think from birth, to keep myself safe.

I am aware they are unable to ‘feel’ good, from normal things in life.

The sadistic psychopath, sadly taught me much life experience of this.

He had no capacity to feel or give love. He had no capacity for empathy, remorse, conscience. He had no capacity to gain pleasure from good, caring, loving & normal activities.

So in order to ‘feel’ something he thought was pleasurable, he chose dark, horrible, pain inducing, abusive needs.

He enjoyed controlling, manipulating, hurting other people.

And I was one of these people.

Yet, he was also terrified of losing me….. and threatened me often, with what would happen, to me and others – should I leave him.

He liked things like tying me up, hurting me, hitting me, forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do, raping me, making me feel considerable fear, and pain. And I could always tell by his face, by his eyes – which would get blacker – when these ‘needs’ were on his menu. And I was terrified of him. And completely controlled by him. I did as I was told. He believed that was consent. I had learned that to fight what he wanted, got me hurt more.

I learned to dissociate when this was happening. I learned to zone out, to cope. I had already learned to do this, when a child and being sexually abused by a paedophile. This dissociative capacity, needed to be ramped up, while enduring a sadistic psychopath.

This need they have to ‘feel something’ they believe to be good, pleasurable…… is something I see is the issue in BDSM.

People who ‘need’ BDSM – can’t feel the normal pleasure of normal/loving/respectful/gentle love and sex. Continue reading