Booked some days away by myself. I need to not do ‘my life’ for a few days & be by myself.

I have just booked a fab hotel, via WOTIF special deal… for a few days, by myself, to chill, relax and not have to deal with my life.

It’s a fab hotel ….. heated pool, spa bath in the room, sauna, café, restaurant, fab view of the ocean, few minutes walk to the beautiful beach.

I can’t wait.

Just get away from everyone and my life.

Just for a few days.

I intend not logging onto any social media, read some books that will be nothing to do with anything in my life, relax on the beach, chill out, eat healthy food, relax in the sauna, and all things lovely I can do all by myself.

This is where I will be and the view I will have 🙂

Withdrawing from everyone.

Today, is the first time in ages, that I have thought about how I would like to no longer be living.

I am at that place…… again…… where I feel I can trust no-one, and I need to stay away from people.

I realise I have fucked up my life, due to never being shown love by anyone and ending up in a bad situation – I feel trapped within.

Feeling trapped, is a fear inducing emotion for me.

I realise I am enabling and tolerating emotional abuse to myself and that is not a good place for me to be at either. And I realise I have been encouraged into tolerating abuse as well.

So, I don’t want to talk to my counsellor, my friends, no-one.

Right now, I don’t remotely trust any of them.

I would like to run away.

Or die.

And neither of those options are possible.

Update…….. this was a fleeting moment of feeling this way, and only due to the continual emotional abuse, I am enduring in my marriage.

I am far stronger than this now, and do not have any intentions of going down the path of hurting myself.

My children need me, and I will be who they need.

Society is increasingly de-humanising love and intimacy…. and women.

When we dehumanise what is meant to be about caring, respectful, kind love & intimacy …. down to pain, humiliation, enabling exploitation, porn and all the other unhealthy needs in this world…. justified and enabled by far too many….

We increasingly dehumanise people and humanity.

And love, compassion and empathy decreases …….. and in it’s place……. is the opposite of love.

I read this article and it makes so much sense, to me.

Melinda Tankard Reist…. stated…
“Fifty Shades of Grey,” the book and the movie, is a celebration of the sadism that dominates nearly every aspect of American culture and lies at the core of pornography and global capitalism. It glorifies our dehumanization of women. It champions a world devoid of compassion, empathy and love. It eroticizes hypermasculine power that carries out the abuse, degradation, humiliation and torture of women whose personalities have been removed, whose only desire is to debase themselves in the service of male lust.

http://www.truthdig.com/report/page2/pornography_is_what_the_end_of_the_world_looks_like_20150215

“Umm, I didn’t ask you to give up coffee or chocolate. I asked you to surrender your life.” – God

Exactly! Lent is not about what you give up…..
I see immature Christians saying “I am giving up Facebook/coffee for lent”
Sorry, but you are not understanding lent at all.

I am very aware, that anyone can be deceived, by darkness, their own ego. Church people being the worst.

People have opinions and they are just that, opinions.

I am also so aware that church people can be just as unhealthy, as secular society. But their ego’s to believe they are ‘right’ can be even stronger.

Abuse is condoned in churches, far more than is realised, and I do not intend colluding with this darkness, at all.

Emotional abuse by narcissistic spouses, is considered okay & ‘acceptable’ – I have been told …… we ‘should’ tolerate it…. after all ‘we are all sinners’ I have heard.

What bullshit and condoning and enabling of darkness.

Child abuse is ‘needed’ – physical abuse – spanking, belting etc – is needed and what God wants.

What bullshit and condoning and enabling of darkness.

“Paedophiles should be welcomed into churches” – where children run around freely, because we must love paedophiles and not judge them, and they should be able to roam freely in places where they are then tempted by lots of children being present…. and we should ignore the fact that paedophiles cannot be re-habilitated and are opportunists and wreck people’s lives…. because that makes us good Christians..

What bullshit and condoning and enabling of darkness.

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And of course there are Bible verses that people cling onto that justify their dysfunction.

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I am starting to see how virtually all church people are unhealthy, conditioned and groomed into accepting abuse as ‘tolerable’.

And right now………. I am really fucking annoyed with myself, for listening to any of this.

Over the last 5 years – I have seen so much disordered and dysfunctional thinking… and I have been tempted to going along with it.

Now, I intend staying far, far away from it.

All of it.