Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am the healthiest I have ever been :)

It is good to reflect on progression, and I have made a huge amount of progress, particularly in the last 6 months.

I absolutely know, that other people’s issues, their abusive ways – whether it be past abusers, church people, my husband,…..are ‘nothing’ to do with me and are not a reflection of me at all.

Their issues are completely their own. 100%.

I’ve lost any hurt ego to believe that what other people do that is wrong, is about ‘me’ at all.

And I will put the responsibility 100% where it needs to be. With them.

And I can and do have empathy for anyone with mental health issues, which is most of society.

But, I also know that I do not have to endure them and tolerate them and that enabling any of this, is wrong.

Whilst also being completely honest about my own issues, my own past – which I am very upfront and honest about, as I blogged about, extensively.

I am not at all attracted now in any form – mentally, psychologically, spiritually, physically, sexually – to abusive people, immature people, narcissistic people etc……… and that is *very* healthy for me, and a huge sign of my healing.

I 100% know, that abusive behaviours are not to be tolerated. condoned, justified, rationalised, minimized, excused etc…… and I won’t.

I know that despite my own masochistic, abuse re-enactment issues in the past……… any form of enduring or inflicting abuse, pain etc…….. is very disturbing, disordered and dysfunctional behaviour and whilst society may be enabling it, I won’t

Not anymore.

I completely see just how much society and church people are groomed into accepting abuse and abusers and how screwed up and disturbing that is also.

I will not allow into my life, anything that is about any of this and no matter who claims it is ‘acceptable’ – I know they are wrong and are part of the grooming issues in society and the abuse increasing as a result.

I have a stronger moral compass now, than most of society and considering all the abuse I have endured, and who I was raised by…….. that is massive.

I do still have my issues of feeling overwhelmed, depressed, trapped, grieving etc ……… but there is so much that shows amazing levels of healing, growth, maturity and wisdom and I ‘will’ acknowledge that, because I worked really fucking hard to make this happen.

And 99% of this I have done by myself and is nothing to do with counselling.

Typing up responses to questions asked by a journalist, who’s article may be featured in Vice, BuzzFeed, or The New York Times Magazine.

I have been asked by a US award winning journalist, if I would like to be included in an article he is pitching to Vice, BuzzFeed, or The New York Times Magazine, about complex trauma and abusive relationships.

I am very thankful to be included and should my responses be included, and should the article get published, it is my hope it will help educate society, validate survivors and raise awareness.

I am a vital part of my children’s lives.

Picked my son up from a bowling birthday party this arvo that was at a shopping centre, so we stopped in a little café and had some dinner early. It was really lovely, just the 3 of us. Relaxed and fun, my boys have fun characters and I encourage that in them.

We watched some teenagers getting into trouble, with security having to deal with them, so I used the opportunity to explain what is appropriate behaviour and what isn’t. And pointed out that they may come from homes where they don’t have good role models, so we don’t need to ‘hate on’ them, call them names etc (as their father would). But, be aware that their behaviour is wrong. Always good to use real life experiences, to teach them.

As we were laughing at something funny my eldest said, whilst walking through the shopping centre, I saw some people …. an elder and his wife – from the abusive Baptist church, sat at a café. I could see he was looking directly at me, and as I have no idea what his reaction and thoughts are …… I just walked on by, continuing to laugh with my son. I do not have to have interaction with abusive people, or people who condone abuse. I noted that my anxiety did not increase at all seeing them, which is good. I really know I am over all that trauma.

So, we got home and the three of us continued having fun and chatting and I know that I am a really vital part of their life, to teach them right from wrong, teach them how to have virtues and morals, how to behave around women, how to be respectful etc  and all the things their father fails at and does not teach them, because he does not possess them.

I realised how much my children need me and how I always need to prioritise them above anything else.

When I made the choice to have children, I made the choice to care for them until they are adults and are able to care for themselves, and I will.

I really love my children.

And they need me.

Narcissists are pathological liars and don’t feel remorse, or guilt.

Sadly, I see the following, in my marriage and in my husband.

He lies about anything, even little things. Frequently.

And he has no capacity for guilt, remorse.

Anger – that I speak about his lying, yes.

But, no remorse, no guilt, no conscience.

And my previous counsellor, stated this ^^^^ could be an ‘adequate’ relationship.

Fuck that.

Or actually, no thanks  – I don’t want to fuck that….. how sick would I be – to want to have sex with an abuser???

I am actually over that fucked up shit now.

And anyone who condones this pathological lying/emotional abuse, and claims this can still be an adequate relationship, has some real issues of their own.

If their lips are moving they are lying.

Narcissists are pathological liars, you probably have no idea all the lies he’s told you or about you. They will lie to you about things that you did together.

They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they will say you are lying, or crazy. (If you have been with them any amount of time you are probably starting to believe they might be right)

They lie about EVERYTHING, even stuff they don’t have to lie about.

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Why Going to Therapy with the Narcissist is a Bad Idea

Yes, I agree. Going to therapy with a narc, will be a complete waste of time.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Couple arguing in therapy

So you’ve been thinking about going to couple’s counseling with your abusive partner.

After all, you’ve apparently committed some serious grievances against them. According to him or her, it’s a wonder you’re not on the FBI’s Most Wanted List. You think back to the times you snapped as you pick up the phone and dial your insurance company to find marriage counselors in your area. You have been feeling high-strung and confused lately …and it seems you’ve been forgetting some things you said to your partner, including how you wished harm upon their past lovers, family, and their cousin, twice removed from their third step-father’s side.

Before you start going down the list of marriage or relationship counselors, it’s important to consider that going to therapy with a Narcissist will accomplish three things: 1) waste time and money, 2) keep you in a relationship that is doomed to fail anyway and…

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Understanding Rationalization: Making Excuses as an Effective Manipulation Tactic – By Dr George Simon, PhD

Effective manipulation tactics simultaneously put others on the defensive while also obscuring or denying the malevolent intent of the person using them. Such tactics are particularly effective on neurotic individuals — especially those who always want to think the best of people and who strive hard to understand what would make a person behave in a problematic way

I recently finished posting a series of articles on the erroneous patterns of thinking common to individuals with significant disturbances of character. The next series of posts will explore some behavior patterns that typically accompany those erroneous patterns of thinking.

Disordered characters tend to engage in certain automatic (i.e., habitual, but nonetheless conscious and deliberate) behaviors that simultaneously serve the purposes of justifying antisocial behavior, resisting any subordination of their wills to a higher authority, manipulating and controlling others, and managing the impressions others have of them and the nature of their character. In the end, by frequently engaging in these behaviors disturbed characters reinforce in their own minds the notion that their preferred way of doing things is okay and there is no need to change their ways of relating to others.

Some of the “tactics” disturbed characters use to avoid responsibility and manipulate others have been traditionally viewed as ego defense mechanisms, arising out of the erroneous but still common notion that everyone feels badly to some degree when they want act on their primal urges and against the interest of the greater good. As a result, it was presumed that everyone exhibiting such behaviors was “defending” against feelings of shame and guilt. But, as I have pointed out before, all metaphors can be stretched beyond their capacity to be useful, and traditional metaphors about why people do the things they do become greatly strained when trying to understand and deal with disordered characters. (See “Shame, Guilt and Character Development”.)

The concept of defense mechanisms becomes the most greatly tested when we’re trying to truly understand the behavioral habits and tactics of the disordered character. When it comes to understanding and dealing with the disturbed character, many of the behaviors we have traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms are better viewed as automatic (although conscious and deliberate) behaviors that simultaneously serve to justify or excuse antisocial behavior, obstruct the internalization of pro-social values (avoid responsibility), effectively manipulate and control others who don’t quite understand the true intentions and motivations of the disordered character, and manage the impressions others have so as to keep any social pressure to change at bay.

Almost any behavior can and has been used at one time or another by a disturbed character as a means to avoid responsibility and manipulate others.

The manipulation and responsibility avoidance tactics disordered characters employ are too numerous to list. In fact, almost any behavior can and has been used at one time or another by a disturbed character as a means to avoid responsibility and manipulate others. This series of posts will examine some of the more common tactics, beginning with rationalization.

Sometimes the disordered character will go to great lengths to attempt to “justify” a behavior he knows is wrong or knows others regard as wrong. Disturbed characters are forever making excuses for their harmful or hurtful conduct. They have an answer for everything they’re challenged about. When others confront them, they come up with a litany of reasons why their behavior was justified. In my work with disordered characters, I’ve heard literally thousands of excuses for irresponsible behavior.

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All those with unhealthy needs on my personal FB friends list, will be unfriended.

Not because I think they are bad, or evil, but because I cannot have darkness in my life anymore.

I am not a psychologist, or psychiatrist, and I cannot deal with it.

I feel for people with have disturbed and unhealthy needs and I truly hope they seek help, although I realise many of them won’t.

But, I have to think about my health, and anyone who does not meet what is clearly a healthy level of mental health, or condones poor mental health and disturbed needs in others, will need to go.

So, when I log back on – on Monday, I will be deleting those who have unnatural, dark and unhealthy needs.

I would rather only have 2 FB friends, than condone disturbed needs, or allow that darkness into my life.

I have enough shit to deal with at home.

And my self care, has to be paramount for my own sanity, for my children.