Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Knowing it will be wrong, no matter what I do.

When you are in a situation, where no matter what you do – it will be wrong, it creates fear, hopelessness and depression.

I don’t want to be in my marriage anymore.

I fucked up, because 15 years ago I didn’t know what a real relationship, a loving relationship, a decent man, looked like.

I was also lied to and I didn’t know many things until after we had our first child. When it was too late. Like all the affairs he had had, the lying, the deviousness and the lack of empathy, lack of remorse etc – and what that meant. And 15 years ago, I didn’t know about personality disorders, and I didn’t understand why I was attracted to people who would hurt and use me.

My life has always been really fucking cruel and that continues.

Well done mother, you wanted me hurt

and you got what you wanted.

You fucked up my life from the moment I was born,

and it is still fucked up.

You have what you wanted.

Hope you are happy.

I am with a man I cannot trust, who lies, does not love me, couldn’t care less about me, or any of my past and is basically very narcissistic.

And quite frankly, I hate being in this marriage.

But, I have children. And I need to do what’s best for them, and the unless the crap gets bad enough to affect them to the point where I need to leave, I have to stay in this marriage.

And just because I love my children enough to consider them first, does not suddenly mean that I have no emotions about how am affected in this, or make the abuse I do receive, any better.

And, my husband knows this. He knows I will put my children first. So, that coupled with me trying not to react to his shit, means he believes he can do what the fuck he wants.

So, I am stuck in a bad marriage with a man who does not love me, because he only loves himself, dealing with his lies, knowing he could likely be having an affair etc, and there is jack shit I can do about it.

If I leave him, I will hurt my children.

If I stay, I hurt myself.

Not having any good options, is very unfair.

I’m not sure I can handle this, until my youngest child is an adult.

I’m not sure I can do this to myself, every day.

Allow myself to be lied to.

Allow myself to be used like a piece of meat, for his needs.

Allow myself to be treated like shit, in his very covertly, manipulative way.

Allow myself to continue in a relationship where I receive no love.

Allow myself to be abused.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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