Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I don’t do drunk texting…… I do drunk emailing…. :/

I am getting much better at not reacting when sober. I’m pretty good at that now. Self control is definitely increased. A lot!

But tonight (and drinking does not happen often)….. I am a little drunk and have sent an email …….. I now cannot un-email :-/

Oops!

Ahhh well, it only contains the truth about how I feel and it is a nice email, although probably not entirely appropriate.

Note to self………….. Never. Email. Drunk. Ever!!


6 Comments

I have to be strong, but my life is falling apart.

I know I have to be strong, for my children and I will do everything I can, to stay strong for them.

But, my life is falling apart.

I’ve lost all trust in my counsellor and ended counselling and she was my only real support.

I’ve got to grips with the reality of my marriage, which is not good.

I’m probably heading down the divorce path.

I’m facing my children having to deal with the trauma of a divorce.

I’m facing losing my home, which is the only place I have felt safe.

I feel like a really bad mother, who has not parented well enough over the last few years.

I have people attacking me on the internet, because I am being honest and I am now taking a more healthy approach in my work.

And I have no-one to turn to, no-one to talk to, in real life.

And although I do have internet friends, it isn’t the same as people who you can directly talk to.

I’m grieving the reality of my marriage.

I’m grieving the loss of my counsellor, who I really cared about.

I’m grieving every other relationship that is lost or dead to me.

Plus, still dealing with trauma that does still replay in my head.

I’m exhausted and emotional about everything.

My anxiety is soaring and I’m scared.

I am struggling to breathe, as I write this.

I have no-one who cares, in a real way in person, in my life.

And no hope for that to change.

My life is falling apart.

tears


Healing page unpublished, Twitter acct locked… now I can start to relax, ready for my few days away.

I wasn’t going to do this until tomorrow, but I am exhausted.

Exhausted by other people’s issues.

Exhausted with old and new grieving.

Exhausted with my home life.

Really mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So, I brought forward signing off social media and not needing to worry about what people are doing…… to this evening.

And I actually feel relieved.

Much needed self care.

SO ready for my few days away, starting tomorrow.


A perfect example of why ‘forgive and forget’ forced by church people, is so unwise.

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/wife-pays-ultimate-price-for-forgiving-abusive-husband-as-he-kills-her-on-way-home-from-court/story-e6freon6-1227234876215

From the above article….

Wife pays ultimate price for forgiving abusive husband,

as he kills her on way home from court.

IT was an act of forgiveness that would kill her.

Andrea Crew didn’t want her husband and the father of her children sent to jail, so she dropped domestic violence charges against him and left court with him by her side. She even held his hand.

But in the car on the way home, Caleb Crew, 26, unleashed a ferocious attack, strangling Andrea, 31, to death with the very tie he had worn to his court appearance.

The trouble started as soon as the couple, from Fairfax County, Virginia, left the building, the Mirror reports.

As they drove home together, they started to argue, and Colombia-born Andrea threatened to call the police and report him again. Her husband — an ex-Marine who’d served time in Afghanistan — was angry and when they stopped outside a local bank the row turned violent.

Crew, who has just been sentenced to life in prison for the August 2013 attack, pulled Andrea into the back seat of the couple’s Jeep and, in a rage, he throttled her.

Andrea’s sister, Jeimmy Arias Pineda, said her sister was religious and always aimed to be a good role model for her children. The children, now aged two and six, are living with her relatives in Columbia.


I don’t blame this woman at all for what happened, but I do blame this BS view that is perpetuated in churches that abuse is to be condoned.

Far too many DV marriage are tolerated and condoned in churches and it really upsets me.

“What you allow will continue”.


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I feel remorse for allowing what has been going on in my home.

My husbands only sense of humour is sarcasm, he loves it and putting people down, watching people get hurt. etc.

My children have been allowed to watch TV programs a lot, that are not okay and normalise bad behaviours – like Top Gear, Big Bang Theory, Ridiculousness etc. These are the TV programs my husband likes. And they have been recorded daily and watched daily.

And this has not been balanced with enough decent stuff.

My 12 old is being affected by all this.

I feel remorse for allowing this to go on far too much and for my husbands issues, to affect my children. And my issues for not speaking up sooner.

This is going to change.

I want my children to grow up to be very different from their father.

I want them to grow to treat women with respect, treat others with respect, have good values, good virtues, empathy, kindness, honesty, and understand just because society normalises bad behaviour…… does not make it okay.

I have been a poor mother, to allow this go on for too long. And I have been in tears about this today.

But, this will change.

Enough is enough.

I need to be a better mother and try harder at ensuring my children grow to be what I know is healthy.

I need to stop walking on egg shells around my husband and just do what I know is needed, and explain to my children as we go, why I am doing it.

I realise I will look like the ‘bad parent’ to my 12 year old, but I am his mother, not his friend.


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They are out to cause damage to others… not everyone, just those they prey on….

shit and piss

And they can do this in highly covert, manipulative ways…… lying, gas-lighting, minimizing, excusing, projecting, justifying, blaming ….. the list is so long.

Many won’t realise this is what they are doing, due to how covert the behaviour is.


3 Comments

My children are in school, husband in work, so I am allowing myself some needed grieving.

I am able to segregate parts of my life these days. I don’t suppress my emotions, but I am able to hold them, until an appropriate time.

I feel very sad and I know I am grieving and I am allowing myself that today, whilst alone.

I know I need to let the tears out and feel them, because to hold them in, hurts me more long term.

And I have a lot to grieve.

grieving

tears

struggle

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