I have the voice telling me, I need to sort things out, with another believer.

I am very cross right now, with someone who I do think is a believer.

We have some very different views on a few things and I have felt very concerned at what I feel is a bizarre way of thinking someone has about abusers and abusive relationships and very unhealthy for me to hear.

And quite frankly I would rather stay well away from that person.

Because anything that is abuse condoning, excusing, using bizarre terms for things that I absolutely do not need to hear…….. scare the shit out of me.

It has really affected me, and I know this person – their ego will believe they are right and of course – I am wrong.

And I have now cut off all contact, because that is how I feel safe.

But, now I have this nagging voice in my head, encouraging me to sort this out. And I do know there are Bible verses about this….. and how you are supposed to sort it out, until there are no issues left……. but that is unlikely to happen……

And I really don’t want to.

I’ve said “God, are friggin’ kidding, really??!!!”.

But, the answer I get, is “Yes”.

So I said “what if it doesn’t work?”

The answer “well you tried & that’s all I expect of you”.

Great

*sigh.

And now I have just read this…….. talking about conflict between believers…..

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/markdroberts/series/gods-guidance-for-christians-in-conflict/

A dear friend sent me this…….. I am chained no more!!

Indeed – I am chained no more, and I refuse to be held in fear by the threats of past abusers.

My children are my priority, so my wellbeing is a priority.

My responsibilities as a mother, to love for and raise my children to be the type of adults I know they can be, is my 1st responsibility.

That is above my husbands issues, and anyone else’s issues.

I now prioritise my wellbeing, because it is *vital* to the wellbeing of my children, and they need me to be strong.

I have no guilt over this anymore.

And as the wonderful Mother Teresa once said, if you want the world to be a more loving place, start by going home and loving your family.

She also said this…..

Disordered people that cause harm, are everywhere, sadly.

Saw this written on a page about narcissistic people, and it is so true… and I’ve seen this recently… and it hurt me badly, as to where this was coming from.

Covertly disguised insults, thinly veiled shame inducing comments…….. they can project them all.

Narcissistic people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.

They drop a bombshell, then withdraw and feign innocence.

Waves of grieving, ebb and flow… and will do for the rest of my life.

Holding out until everyone is in bed, so I can cry, in peace. I am able to control when I grieve, without suppressing my needed emotions.

Grieving is not pleasant.

Especially when you have so much to grieve about and the list keeps getting longer.

And the grieving you are doing, is not understood by others and they don’t realise how painful it is.

I have my entire lifetime to grieve, all the child abuse, an entire childhood of abuse, all the adult abuse, all the abusers – sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, narcissists, all the relationships where I loved people – that are now dead to me, all my lifestyle issues that were as a result of the abuse, harming myself subconsciously, all the good relationships I never had, ending up in bad marriages, ending up married to someone with a personality disorder and knowing I am not loved, and now the loss of my therapy relationship and the issues there.

It’s a lot to grieve.

And it really fucking hurts.

So badly.

And sadly, not one of these people, cares at all. None of them care that I am grieving.

They all just care about themselves.

They never cared about me.

I see this is an issue for many, who are sadly completely oblivious to it.

Some people can only travel through your life for a little while, but can’t stay.

I choose to see some relationships that break down, as ones where either I have outgrown them, or they have beliefs I believe to be unhealthy and harmful to my soul, so I need to move on.

It is easier to see it this way, because when I care about people, I really care about them and those feelings don’t just disappear if they do something that is not okay. Because my care and love for people, is real.

But, I have learned I cannot tolerate people’s disordered and unhealthy stuff, because ‘that’ is always how I get hurt.

I have to care about some people from a distance, grieve and get through it, like all loss.

It hurts, but depending on the situation, and if I don’t think there is any malice involved – I would rather hold onto just accepting, that they were someone who travelled though my life for a little while, but can’t stay. And be thankful for whatever was good, while they were in my life.

And I completely accept that people may also feel this way about me. I can also travel through someone’s life for a little while, and they will have reasons to need me to no longer be a part of their life.

And both, are absolutely okay.

That’s life.

I used to give past abusers control over my ongoing fear of them……… now I am not.

I use a pen name to protect my identity and the identity of my children, husband and my family of origin members. It isn’t fair for their names to be identified, and I see that and I don’t intent to ever reveal their names.

But, I am over giving past abusers any control over my fear of them. I am moving on from that now.

I also realise, there are enough people who do know my real identity, and if they want to be nasty shits, they will reveal it anyway, like some sociopaths have already done – not caring at all what the risk could be to my safety and how they are revealing my family members identities, as a result.

So, here are pics of me, I took while away this week on my own.

I rarely take selfies, and I’m not a fan of photos of myself in general.

But, I was bored and in a silly mood 😉

I changes this one, to my favourite colour – purple! 🙂

Goofing around – I was bored! 😉

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I shared this post to my page and I am really surprised by the reaction, which has all been so positive!

It is my hope that it shows that someone like me, who has been so scared of a past abuser, can learn to overcome that fear.

Bawling my eyes out now. Made to feel worse, after apologising.

I am someone who can apologise when I know I have done something that is not appropriate, because sometimes words are better left unsaid…. even nice words, that are about caring about someone in a way that is not reciprocated.

I apologised to someone recently, because I shared my feelings (of caring) for that person, which I know are not reciprocated and because I had embarrassed myself, by revealing them and being so honest.

Then I received a response saying that ‘any offense was now gone’.

Wow.

So that person wants me to know that she ‘took offense’ at me honestly sharing my feelings and how I am now grieving the relationship ending. How the fuck can you take offense at that? Wow.

Talk about making me feel worse.

I truly wish I had definitely not fucking sent the email now.

“Been trying hard not to get into trouble but I…… got a war in my mind”

There is much within this, the words and video that resonate with me, about my past life.

I was never a prostitute, I gave it away.

Older men, were my thing.

Being what men wanted, is what I did.

Guns, alcohol and motorbikes become a part of my life.

All because I was groomed to be this. By my highly disordered, disturbed mother and step father.

I was terrified of abandonment.

I had no idea what a healthy man looked like, what healthy sex was.

I know I am doing better, when I can watch this, and not cry.