Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I have to find a new counsellor. I know I cannot do this on my own.

I am barely coping each day and mostly only through numbing out all the intense emotions about my marriage, about my ex counsellor… this being on top of all the trauma from my past I have not yet dealt with fully.

I am aware I need to find a counsellor and fairly quickly, because I am aware I may not be able to keep going like I am now, indefinitely.

The thought of even attempting to build up any trust in other counsellor, after all the crap from the last one, puts fear into me. I know I am avoiding dealing with the reality of what was happening in counselling.

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I am no longer allowing anyone to invalidate my emotions.

This is my blog and here is my ‘safer’ place to write about how I feel, all my emotions and what I am enduring. And I do this here, in a very real, genuine, honest and transparent way.

Any comments invalidating or minimizing my emotions and journey, are deleted.

It has taken me 43 years, to be able to allow my emotions and feelings and I do that now.

I am allowed to grieve – as this is a very necessary and massive part of healing.

Grieving as much trauma/abuse as I have endured – takes time and is very painful.

If it takes me years to get to a good place, then that is how my healing journey is meant to be.


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Until Facebook add a ‘read only’ function for pages, my page will remain down.

Due to the daily stress and anxiety of having to deal with unnecessary, abusive comments and trolls, I had to deal with on my page, I closed it a week ago. I don’t need, or deserve the added stress and anxiety it brings.

There are far too many people on the internet who feel absolutely entitled to be nasty, twist what you write, get abusive, make accusations, name call, vomit up their anger and darkness – onto others. Disordered and dysfunctional people – make social media their playgrounds for trolling and venting/projecting their own issues onto others.

After more than two years of this and some serious cyber bullying/abuse, I’m really fed up with such behaviours and worrying about these comments affecting other community members – who may be very fragile and possibly suicidal.

The internet is not a safe place. And I’ve noticed even celebrities are stating the same – for all social media platforms.

So until Facebook bring in a function to disable comments, I may not re-activate my page.

Which is a shame, because my page was the largest on Facebook dealing with complex trauma/Complex PTSD. It did help many and was a way of reaching more people, writing for those who are not trolls/abusive, and sharing blogs posts – that do help people.

But the cost, was too great.

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Reading ‘In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People’ – George Simon Ph.D.

a wolf

Reading this best seller, as I like his work I have read online so far. He understands personality disordered people well, and does not minimize the effects and harm caused to the victims.

He really understands all the different covert manipulation tactics like lying, gas-lighting, vilifying the victim etc.

http://www.amazon.com.au/In-Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B005CN6PJ0/ref=pd_sim_kinc_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=015XVB4QH7ZKP009G30P


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Once you lie to me, I will not trust you again.

Lying is acceptable to most people. Not to me. I’ve had way too many people lie to me about serious issues that have harmed me.

If I need to be able to trust someone, and I know they are lying to me – especially to cover their own issues/wrongs that have hurt me – that is the end of any trust I can ever have in that person.

You cannot trust a liar, especially those who can’t even admit they are liars.

Lying to someone is abusive, a betrayal and it is deliberate behaviour. It shows an absolute lack of respect, lack of honesty, lack of empathy and shows how self motivated and weak the person is. And how they are willing to hurt, harm and betray someone, for their own needs which are paramount.

And once someone lies, you are very unwise to not consider what else they have been lying about – as it is unlikely the first lie they have told you.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/lying-the-ultimate-manipulation-tactic-by-dr-george-simon-phd/

liars

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I don’t want to ‘do’ today, so going to try and sleep all day.

Today is too hard already.

My children are now at school and I am home alone, so going to try to sleep all day until I have to pick my children back up.

Sleeping and even facing having bad dreams, is a less horrible alternative to the emotions and thoughts I will have all day. I can tell I won’t be able to block them out. So sleeping will avoid having to feel them.

depression sleep

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Tuesdays, are now a constant reminder for sadness and abandonment depression.

Tuesdays were counselling day. Were. I had appointments booked every Tuesday, for the rest of this year.

I’ve ended counselling, for reasons already blogged about. But I know the bond I had – unhealthy or not – it was there for me and I had feelings and emotions regarding my counsellor. Now I am aware I have intense emotions of abandonment depression, fear, betrayal due to the issues that went on.

Tuesdays are tough, really tough.

They once represented speaking with the person I believed I could trust, the person I believed was my only support. Someone who would be there for me, about everything from my past. And would be there if things got really bad with my husband. The person I could tell my fears and emotions to. Someone who was supposed to have my best interests at heart and I really wanted to believe this.

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Back, neck and shoulder muscle pain is so bad, I am booking a massage.

I’ve suffered with muscle pain for as long as I can remember and it became a lot worse over the last 3-4 years, since all the PTSD worsened and having so much trauma and emotional pain to deal with.

I’m aware my muscle pain is ‘muscle armouring’ – a form of trauma induced body hypervigilance and fibromyalgia and I have all the pressure points as points of considerable pain, related to FMS.

Whenever I have an increase in even more anxiety and stress, the muscle pain increases. I am dealing with too much stress, anxiety, depression etc at the moment. And my body is letting me know this.

It is at the level now where even doing some yoga is too painful. Every morning I am so stiff and walk/hobble  around like an old woman. The pain is continual, worsening and adding to all the other crap I am dealing with.

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Religious people can be ‘stunningly offensive’ and they often really don’t care.

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/jill-meaghers-family-hits-back-at-priests-derogatory-comments-20150329-1ma0zm.html

The news and social media is awash with many disgusted by this priests ‘stunningly offensive’ victim blaming comments about Jill Meagher.

And even though he has apologised – I know this apology is likely to be only forced – due to the public backlash against him and to protect the Catholic Church’s image.

I know for a fact that victim blaming occurs with many religious people.

I’ve been subjected to it in ‘Christian’ counselling.

Victim blaming is a common viewpoint in religious people and it is not just the Catholic church. The church overall has a huge history of protecting and enabling paedophiles, condoning domestic violence in marriages, physical and sexual child abuse, condoning masses of spiritual abuse….. plus these views of how a woman raped and murdered by a predator, is ‘her own fault’ …… are all very common issues.

When you challenge religious people, they often truly don’t care and stand by their abusive views 100% – as they can be the worst for disordered, dysfunctional and abusive views.

Victim blaming is widespread and increasing and no-where is that more present than within religious people.

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Glad to give my views about Jill Meagher and the disgusting victim blaming comments by a priest.

Glad to be able comment online about the disgusting victim blaming comments an Australian priest made about Jill Meagher’s rape and murder.

Glad to see my comment on a well known news website, has by far the most likes, and not simply because I want the ‘most’ likes – but so a healthy view by a Christian can be given, to show that not all Christians are abusive, victim blaming, abuser enablers – like too many religious people choose to be.

I realise all I can ever do is state my views, model what I believe and know is right, and hope it resonates with someone.

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