Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial.
The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist loved them and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn love OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because love is a tool they use to con people! They DON’T love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it!
Because there was LOVE involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional attachment! It is virtually impossible to TRULY accept the hideous reality that the person who claimed to be the love of your life, or a parent, brother/sister, or even your loving best friend is actually a Malignant Narcissist that ABUSES you. No way, this was the real thing, this person totally LOVED you and you loved them. It was SO REAL and you just can’t ascertain that someone could be that adept at conning you into LOVING them and then being so toxic in your life! You try to justify this over and over again and you keep returning to this powerful emotion that you shared reciprocal LOVE with your Narcissist. Yes you do feel love because you are NORMAL and can love – but that is all you are feeling the love you have for THEM!
You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for?
Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.
(I always knew anything from John Piper, was abusive and I have blogged about that….)
The church should be a haven from domestic violence but power imbalances remain for many worshippers badly affected by abusive relationships.
“What should a wife’s submission to her husband look like if he is an abuser?” asks American evangelical pastor Reverend John Piper in a Youtube video.
Well, he says, that depends on the kind of abuse.
No wife should feel spiritually obliged to accept such treatment.
Archbishop Peter Jensen
If a man is asking his wife to engage in something “bizarre” like group sex, Dr. Piper says she should say: “Honey I want so much to follow you as my leader. God calls me to do that and I would love to do that. But if you ask me to do this then I can’t go there.” What about other situations? If it is “simply hurting her”, then she should “endure verbal abuse for a season”, and “endure perhaps being smacked one night”, before seeking “help from the church.” Not the police, who might be able to point out assault is illegal, or ensure the woman is safe.
It is an astonishing response from an influential man who is a reformed theologian and pastor, often cited in local Anglican media. He was also a guest at the annual Katoomba Christian Convention in 2011 – two years after he made those remarks.
Was so glad to see this posted by John Dickson – Sydney Anglican Church Minister/Author. https://www.facebook.com/john.dickson.9406417?fref=nf
I only wish more would start sharing stories of emotional/psychological abuse, not only physical abuse.
But, too many condone emotional abuse, as ‘adequate’ to be tolerated.
And they need to start educating themselves as to personality disorders, as these are what causes most abuse.
Ten years ago I was in the middle of a situation that an anti-domestic expert called “intimate partner terrorism” on Q&A this week. My then husband was supposedly a Christian, a very pious, rather obsessive one. He was a great amateur preacher, very encouraging to his friends and evangelistically inclined. He led Bible studies. He wanted to train for the ministry.
He just had one little problem. He liked psychologically torturing me. And dragging me by the hair around our apartment. And punching me – hard, whilst telling me how pathetic I was. He gave me lists with highlighted sections of Bible passages about nagging wives and how I should submit to him. I was subjected to almost the full catalogue of abusive behaviour.
He was a classic wolf in sheep’s clothing. The Bible warns us repeatedly about people like that….
You wanted statistics? Well, I have been unable to find a study that has been conducted on the prevalence of domestic violence in Australian churches. This not evidence that such a problem does not exist, it is just evidence that we are too apathetic to record such things and how difficult it is to get people to speak of them. However, a 2006 Anglican Church publication indicated that in Britain:
- Domestic abuse affects one in five adults over their lifetime (one in four women and one in seven men).
- The incidence of domestic abuse within Methodist church congregations is similar to the rate within the general population and the rate within the British Anglican church is unlikely to be any different.
- Domestic abuse occurs among all types of households and all professions, including clergy.
- One in three suicide attempts is by a victim of domestic abuse.
- 45 per cent of female homicide victims were killed by their present or former partner.
- 750,000 British children a year witnessed domestic abuse (in a population of 60.5 million) and 33 per cent of these had seen their mother beaten severely.
- Domestic abuse is a much better description of the problem than domestic violence as it includes physical violence, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse.
- Churches have traditionally found all sorts of ways not to “own” the problem of domestic abuse.
- The theology of self-denial and suffering has been misused by the church to encourage victims to tough it out in abusive situations. Particularly, “the example of Christ’s sacrificial self-giving has been used … to encourage compliant and passive responses by women suffering in abusive relationships“. (I’ve had this crap thrown at me in counselling. It is so wrong.)
Sometimes, I have to remember, that one persons opinion, is not what others see of me. I have to remember, that I have so much support, and that is significant, even if others don’t value that.
Reviews from professionals, I must keep in mind….
Quoted as an ‘Inspirational Woman’
by Sorrell Robbins – Chamomile Clinic, London
Date: 26th, Feb 2015
“Lily Hope Lucario ‘ I survived a sadistic psychopath & a paedophile psychopath, a couple of abusive sociopaths, and a couple of abusive narcissists, what’s your superpower?’
Lily suffers from complex PTSD and a range of related conditions such as fibromyalgia and depression after experiencing multiple trauma. But she has worked very hard on her healing, and has learnt so much that she is now is now spreading her healing to others.
She inspires and supports survivors of trauma with her writing, communicating her posts on facebook several times a day.
I came across her work last year whilst studying trauma prevention and treatment.
There are other great people writing on this subject but Lily has taught me the most in the shortest space of time, because she keeps it simple and accessible, and I find the information can be integrated into my life on a personal and professional level.
If you have suffered trauma or know some one who has then this website is a great place to start looking at how you can begin to heal, and help those you love to heal too.
I hope some of you reading this will look at Lily’s work and be inspired and maybe healed a little bit on your journey through life too. For her website follow this LINK “
From: Carol Lopez, CLC
Happy, Joyous & Free Recovery & Life Coaching
“It is an honor to be asked to write a review of your website.
As a survivor myself, I completely respect what you are doing to help others & support you 100%.
The information you provide helps people suffering from complex trauma understand there is a reason they feel as they do. It helps them connect with their experience at a very deep level. This in turn promotes healing.
You offer a supportive place for people who are feeling very alone, isolated, and may be blaming themselves for what has happened to them. There is no greater support when someone is suffering from an untold number of painful feelings.
I will be recommending your website to my clients, who would benefit tremendously from the information & support you provide.
Keep doing what is clearly your life’s mission.”
From: Daniela F.Sieff Ph.D ~ http://www.danielasieff.com/
Date: January 2015
“Hi Lilly, …REALLY appreciate the line you tread between deep compassion and empathy and acceptance, and yet not reifying the ‘victim identity’. Your posts have such ability to heal shame.”
“Lilly – thank you so much. Your page and your work is so nourishing and healing – it is moving to be recommended by you! “
There is nothing more special to me, than someone with such self honesty.
It is so refreshing, and rare.
I truly cherish people who have the capacity to be honest, without making excuses or justifying, but understands they have things they need to work on, how we all mess up, and how we all need to continue to grow ❤
We are not meant to feel we need to be perfect ….. but having honesty, insight, and the willingness to listen and grow, are about maturity and humility and the signs of someone who will heal and move along the healing road…
And it warms my heart, to see this in people ❤
I know I have held onto guilt for things I have done wrong, where I have let people down. I’m someone who will readily apologise, and I have so often apologised for what is not my responsibility. But that is due to child abuse.
This was a post I wrote for my page, to let people know, none of us are perfect, we all let people down unintentionally, but it’s how we deal with it, that matters.
How to deal with the guilt of knowing we have let someone down.
We all let someone down at some point, no-one is perfect, and the fact that we didn’t intend to, and we do have remorse – is the important part.
I’ve let people down and not been perfect, and I’m still not perfect. I mess up, just like everyone can and does.
When I know I have let someone down, I will apologise and ask how I can sort it out, how I can make it right.
I don’t have that ‘tough luck’ attitude, because that is wrong.
Then, once I have done all that I can to make it right, the important part is letting go of any guilt, because we can’t hold on to that forever.
If the person won’t accept our apology or our offering to sort it out and make it right, then we are not responsible for that. We can’t make them accept our genuine apology.
And we also need to do what we can, to make sure, we don’t repeat that same issue, as this is part of having genuine remorse.
All these human interactions, are things I did not learn growing up, because my family of origin are so abusive and dysfunctional,.
So I had to learn them as an adult.
And this is why I am sharing this…… because I know so many people suffer with these intense emotions and feelings of guilt and shame and don’t know how to manage them.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario ❤
Had this sent to me today, by a dear friend ❤
Life is not meant to be about any of this ^^^^^^.
Life is not meant to be about condoning any of it, or minimizing it, or enabling it, or tolerating it, or excusing it, or normalising it……. etc.
It is interesting who believes how this is okay, tolerable, adequate.