I would like to go back to not knowing about abuse, complex trauma and abusers.

March 1, 2015 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 1 Comment

Life was actually easier when I just assumed I deserved everything I have been inflicted with.

It was actually easier to blame myself, than to understand I never deserved it, and the reasons why I have been attracted to unhealthy, disordered people.

I know so much, and it’s too fucking late.

I don’t want my eyes opened, I would rather be blind and not understand and just believe I deserve it, like everyone always told me.

Just believe I am bad girl, who doesn’t deserve love, doesn’t deserve to be treated well, or with respect.

Just believe all I do deserve is lies, abuse, manipulation, disrespect etc….. that would serve me well to think this, right now.

I want to rewind the last 3 years, and not know all I know now.

Just tolerate abuse, lies, manipulation, disrespect, not being loved and feel deep shame for knowing/believing I deserve it.

That was easier.

I think that’s the message my ex-counsellor was trying to send me too. She always defends abusers, and never shows any emotions about the victims. She believes abusive relationships can be ‘adequate’ – which be default means she believes abuse is okay and tolerable, as long as you understand you are making the choice to tolerate it. She can spin it any way she likes, that’s the bottom line. It’s the church way for many.

It’s easier for many people to minimize, excuse, justify, normalise abuse…….. it makes life easier when dealing with abusive people. It’s the easy, comfortable road that won’t stir up any issues in church and helps you think abusers are nice people really. And the victims need to quit whinging, and just get over it already.

I see she is just like the Pope, does good things, but at the heart is like most church people and condones and enables and minimizes abuse.

The message they both send, is abuse is okay. The Pope send the message that child abuse is okay. She sends the message that abuse in marriages is okay.

I wish I believed this too. Not the child abuse bit, just the abusive marriages are okay, bit.

I wish I believed right now, I do deserve abuse.

It’s easier to cope with, as I’ve done that that for decades.

I know how to ‘do’ that.

Or I did, until I learned differently.

Now, I want to unlearn everything I have learned, and I can’t.