Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Some church people are so fucked up….. they will do anything to silence you….

Got called ‘deplorable’ on my page, for sharing info about the huge issue of domestic abuse occurring far too much in church people’s relationships, churches etc.

‘Deplorable’ – for speaking the truth and exposing the absolute truth of abuse that does indeed go on far too much.

That is one &%$#ed up absuive religious person ……….. who like many, want to ‘silence’ anyone who dares to speak the truth.

That’s many church people for you – messed up – following darkness….. abusing people who speak up.

No-one silences my voice in speaking up for the abused.


The man who studies everyday evil. Explains my husband.

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150130-the-man-who-studies-evil?ocid=global_future_rss

When I read this – the triple whammy of dark triads traits – selfishness, manipulation and unkind – this describes my husband.

He is completely selfish, very manipulative and very unkind – with a deficit of empathy, remorse, guilt, conscience.

He has zero remorse for anything that he has done wrong in life…… all the affairs behind his ex wife’s back, screwing his own auntie, all the lies he tells – and he admits to the ones I know about and has no remorse – just lots of excuses or a tough luck attitude. Lying by omission, projecting, gas-lighting etc.

No empathy for anything I have endured. I have told him things a few times – about being me being raped, including as a child – and there is no emotional response at all – he just looks at me – blankly, waits for me stop talking and then continues watching the TV.

That is so far from normal.

He’s manipulating my emotions, by letting me know frequently enough about the ‘only’ cop ‘friend’ he talks about – Sue. And lets me know how close they are, how they talk about their personal lives. In his covertly narcissistic way, he wants me to feel threatened and anxious as to what may be going on there, knowing as I do, that he is a serial adulterer, and has no remorse and lies, denies, lies by omission.

And when I tell him how this causes me such anxiety and stress, he has no empathy and has no awareness of why this is an issues to me, but is only bothered, by me telling him that what he does is wrong.

His only emotions are for self, in particular ones about being defensive, and narcissistic injury.

He enjoys TV programs that are about people getting hurt and laughs at them a lot, like that very immature and horrible TV show Ridiculousness, that I have now banned my 12 year old from watching. He likes shows/movies with a lot of low morality issues, lots of sex and nudity, and about psychopaths – James Bond movies are his favourite. And sarcasm, anything with lots of sarcasm.

Today, he gave me the sneering threat of telling me I will end up homeless on the streets, without him and his income.

I hate myself, for ending up this ^^^^ as the father of my children and my husband.

It makes me cringe and want to go and shower and scrub myself raw, to know how many times I have had sex with that.


“See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” – I’ve always known this is BS.

Church people love this way of thinking. They like to delude themselves with moral superiority by taking this attitude.

What it really is….

In the Western world both the proverb and the image are often used to refer to a lack of moral responsibility on the part of people who refuse to acknowledge impropriety, looking the other way and feigning ignorance.

It is about ‘what I don’t see or hear’, I don’t have to deal with, if I pretend it isn’t happening, I can ignore it.

If I see no abuse, I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

If I ignore anyone speaking about abuse, I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

And if I don’t speak up about abuse, I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

And anyone else who speaks up about abuse, will be silenced and either told they are lying, or to endure it, or told they deserve it, or told to forgive immediately, and shamed for not doing that. And told to not speak up, and not ‘gossip’ – which is abused as being the victim must be silenced.

And anyone who challenges this, will be told they are wrong. How dare they challenge the illusion, I live in.

That ^^^^ is what it is about, when it comes to abuse within churches, church institutions, church family’s.

It happens outside of churches too……

But it has an increased level of disgusting darkness ……… that this occurs within churches, that are meant to ‘safe havens’ and where the broken and the abused, are meant to find safety, love, compassion and help.


Lost 4 kilo’s in the last 10 days.

Since stopping all medications a few months back, I hadn’t lost any of the weight I put on.

In the last few years, I have gained 10 kilo’s due to all the meds.

I have now lost 4 kilo’s in just the last 7-10 days and I know why, severe stress, anxiety.

Hives are worse too. And muscle pain. Headaches & dizziness are happening.


Poem – You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Poem – You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Is this my life

Trapped, until I die?

No peace, no love

But many lies

.

Is this my lot

This lonely, dark pit?

Yes, you made your bed

Now lie in it

.

But I need love

Security and trust

Tough, this is it

Accept it, you must

.

Tip toe around

Don’t voice your needs

Think of everyone else

Only their needs, to feed

.

But my needs never mattered

And they don’t, still?

No, you made your choices

It was your free will

.

But, I’ve only recently

Processed it all

I was harming myself

Still am, I bawl

.

Tough luck, too late

Choices were made

You will have to suffer

Alone, unloved, afraid

.

You worked it out too late

Your fate is sealed

Continued harm

Abusers’ internalised yield

.

So, I have no choice

View original post 23 more words


I can’t bear to tell my 12 year old son, his father and I are splitting up. I hate myself.

I’ve been crying for last few hours, at the thought of splitting up with my husband, but the worst part being the affect on my children.

My 12 year old will be devastated. And I can’t bring myself to do it. I know how much emotional pain he will feel, and he will cry and beg me not to. He will think it is his fault, even if I tell him it’s not. He will think it is me, who is causing this. He will be devastated. He’s told me before, it is his worse fear, because so many of his friends come from divorced family’s.

Whatever I do, I will be doing wrong. If we split up, my children get hurt. If I don’t go through with a separation, divorce, I will be hurting myself and tolerate emotional abuse, lies, manipulation, threats, knowing he is likely having affairs etc.

I hate myself, for putting myself in this situation.

I should never have had children with, or married this man.

I hate myself.

I am so fucking stupid and pathetic for ending up in this situation.

I really fucking hate myself so much.


There is so much dark evil abuse running through ‘Christianity’. Presbyterian Knox Grammar abuse.

http://www.smh.com.au/comment/smh-letters/too-many-turned-backs-on-knox-abuse-20150301-13ruc9.html

So much abuse  is tolerated and enabled by so called Christians.

They always fucking make excuses and cover it up. No empathy for the victims.

It breaks my heart to know how much abuse goes on, within institutions, schools, churches, family’s.

I see how groomed so many are

to accept abuse and abusers.

To turn a blind eye and then when the shit hits the fan…… protect the abusers, those in power, the hierarchy.

So fucking wrong and happens so much.

And where is their empathy???? No-where. Most don’t give a shit, they only care about image and not making waves and silencing the victims.

It is absolutely disgusting and nothing to do with God.

These people are not Christians, they just masquerade as Christians and really they are wolves in sheep’s clothing and there are many of them. Many, many of them.

All the ones condoning harsh physical discipline to children, are abusers.

Al the ones condoning and turning a blind eye to domestic abuse, are abusers.

Of course, they won’t hear this……. takes them too close to the truth.


I realise now, why my counsellor has hurt me so much.

My former counsellor described other relationships people have with abusive people as ‘adequate’. She also told me about her psychiatrist friend, who has such a relationship.

What she has done – is shame me for not being able to do the same, and therefore making me feel like I am failing my children in the process.

To compare my situation with other people, she has let me know ‘others’ managed to deal with it and the abuse, and so therefore, so should I. And that by default, if I don’t make my relationship ‘adequate’ & endure it – I am a big fat failure.

She has shamed me.

And I am a complex trauma survivor – who has huge issues of shame and trauma re-enactment issues – I am trying to deal with, which she knows about.

I feel completely shamed that I can’t ‘live up’ to her ‘friends’ relationships – where they endure immature and narcissistic people, and are such good Christians for it.

I don’t think has any idea how much hurt she has caused me in this. Or at least I hope she doesn’t understand. Because if she does, then it’s worse.

I shouldn’t hear about what ‘other people’ do, because that comparing, is not okay. That just shames me.

I’ve been shamed and blamed and made to feel like a failure all my life.

And now I’ve had more heaped on me. By someone I had come to trust. Trust more than anyone I have ever trusted.


Found a whole heap of services available to help with relationship breakdown.

Family Relationships Online – is a range of services I can access, although whether there are waiting times I’m not sure.

They offer legal, housing, parenting, family counselling services.

http://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/Pages/default.aspx

So, it is giving me some comfort to know I can access range of services and have some support, to get me and more importantly my children, through all of what is to come.

Someone remind me if I get tempted, to ‘never’ go near a man, ever again.

I don’t think I will ever trust myself, to know what a decent person/man looks like and I never want to go through another relationship with a narcissistic person, again.


Finding organisations that can help me with housing issues.

Just googled and found the local neighbourhood office assists people with housing issues caused by relationship breakdown and also a whole heap of charities that help homeless people too.

I am a very resourceful person and I will find shelter/housing for my children and we won’t be on the streets, regardless of whatever my narcissistic husband chooses to do.

There are also agencies and org’s that can help with legal issues and divorce issues too.

If there is one thing I know how to do, is survive – with no-one in my life helping me.

And I will, because my children need me.