Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Had a positive conversation with my counsellor and I am glad I talked it out.

In situations that are difficult and hurt has been caused, I am aware it is always best to try and talk things through (with non abusive people) and explain myself & my thoughts, even if I do struggle to do that. Rather than just cut someone out of my life as a protection mode, I always jump to.

I don’t have to believe that everything a counsellor says, or trust is always right, or always wise. No-one has it all right, no-one is 100% wise, and I realise that. Including me.

So, I voiced my concerns, the hurt, where I believe it is wrong to label abusive relationships in any positive or neutral way, or use words that will usually be taken as positive. I will not accept that any abusive, unhealthy relationship, is ‘adequate’. Because that implies that abuse, is okay. And I get that society and particularly church people, believe some abuse is good/okay/tolerable. Well, I completely disagree.

And I am allowed to disagree.

Even if someone is tolerating abuse, for whatever reason, it is still not adequate, it is still an unhealthy abusive relationship. And I will not sugar coat that with more positive/neutral expressions. I realise people do sugar coat things to make life easier, to make it easier to deal with abusive people. I won’t.

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Churches and church people, are under more attack from darkness, than they realise.

I have already seen so much dark stuff within church people and I read about it and know just how much unhealthy, abusive, wrong, dark stuff goes on.

I see that wherever Jesus and God are spoken of, attack comes in a greater way.

And sadly, all weaknesses in people are used, and most have no awareness, no insight into that.

This is why abuse of so many different types are so prevalent in church people and anyone who believes this is not true, is deluded.

This is why Jesus’ Word is abused so badly.

Selective Bible verse abuse, being a huge issue.

Failing to learn the correct Biblical meaning, and listening to unwise ministers, goes on in a huge way.

Why child abuse, domestic abuse goes on so much.

Why a bit of abuse is considered okay. Or even a lot.

Why paedophiles and sex offenders are allowed to roam freely.

Why there is so much silencing of victims of abuse and how badly they are treated.

Why there is so much ‘turn a blind eye’ goes on.

Why image is so important.

Why the church reputation is so important.

Why cover ups and corrupt investigations occur.

The list is endless.

And most of these people, are completely unaware of what is going on, and they often follow along like mindless sheep.

But some are deliberate in their darkness and they do know what they are doing is wrong. So they lie, deny and keep it hidden, like narcissists and sociopaths do.

I see this darkness is perpetuated in greater numbers within right wing, fundamentalist, conservative churches, because there is a greater lack of empathy, lack of conscience, lack of remorse within many of those people.

It makes me really sad to see so many going along with this darkness.

And I also see that I am under attack, because I speak up about this and that pisses darkness off. Continue reading

My old and trusty friend ‘numbed out mild dissociation’, always helps when overwhelmed.

I can tell I am numbed out, and I know to manage that.

When overwhelmed, and alone, I’ve always had the capacity to zone out and praise God for that.

It can be a very effective coping need.

I am listening to music, which always helps to zone out. I’ve done this since being a teenager.

I can still fully function, just with a lack of emotions.

And I don’t choose it, it just happens when overwhelmed and unable to cope with what is going on.

I am thankful for it.

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Asked my husband why he said very concerning things yesterday…….. the reaction, very typical.

Just had a conversation with my ‘husband’, about why he felt the need to say that he thinks I wish he were dead and I would  ‘love’ that, when I have never given any indication that I ever wish anyone dead. And why he said this with such venom and his face twisted up.

I told him I believe he is projecting ‘his’ thoughts, about me and that deep down, he would like me dead.

Of course, the usual happened – nasty, defensive, denial. No empathy for me as to why I would think this and be concerned. I also explained how this coupled with his lack of empathy, conscience, guilt, remorse…… scares me.

He flounced off, anything that takes him too close to the truth of who he is, he cannot cope with.

But, I let him know, the only reasons I am raising this with him, is to let him know – that others know my concerns. So it is self protection issue.

People who are on the continuum of narcissism/ sociopathy/ psychopathy, are unpredictable and can snap. And they can shoot much further up that continuum at any time. I know this and I’m aware that now he knows I am not taking any of his abuse any longer, this puts me in potentially dangerous situation.

And his shit, is escalating.

Is my ‘husband’ projecting his own desires for me to be dead?

During an argument yesterday, my husband stated in a very nasty voice, with a horrible sneering expression on his face – that he thinks I wish he was dead and how I would ‘love’ that. I don’t think those types of thoughts at all. I’ve never had thought like that – even about my worst abusers. I don’t even want physical harm to come to my abusers and cringe when I hear of paedophiles being beaten up in prison – that’s how far away from wishing harm on people, I am.

So, is he just projecting his own thoughts about me?

Is this what ‘he’ really wants and would like to see ‘me’ dead?

I know narcissistic, sociopathic people project their own inner thoughts and needs, so is this what he is doing?

Do I need to be concerned that he is having some death fantasies about me being dead?

It definitely makes me feel very unsafe, especially the venom in his voice as he said it.

After the way he lost the plot and was screaming at me the other day, I have to be concerned that he could snap and do something.

Hope he doesn’t kill me. For my children’s sake. They need me.