I am not going to the Dr Bessel van der Kolk workshop.

I was really looking forward to this. I was excited to know what I could learn.

But, now I’m really not up to listening to 2 days of how fucked up my life has been and how much devastation all the severe abuse has caused me, and all the consequences …… that it still causes me.

I want somehow to see if someone wants to take my place, because it will be a shame to waste over $700 – which is the cost of the workshop.

My 6 year old broke my heart this morning, with his simple request.

My husband and I often take turns in the school runs. But, yesterday, I told my 6 year old, his dad and I would both pick him up. He was so delighted when we were both there.

This morning, he told me how much he loved both of us being there and asked could we always both pick him up and also take both take him to school in the mornings.

It was such a clear understanding of how much my children want us to all be together as a family…

I struggled to hold in the tears.

To think of us possibly splitting up, and then seeing my little 6 year old ask this very sweet request – that both his dad and mum be there for him….. well it hit me straight in my heart.

Tears are flowing just writing this.

Am I being selfish, considering us splitting up? Should I just tolerate the shit his father chooses to dish out to me, and just suck it up…… for my children’s sake – because they are more important?

Or, is my guilt about this all affecting my children, blurring my capacity to do what is right?

My mind changes on this hourly some days.

Hurts so much.

And then I am numb again.

I have waves of complete sadness for disordered, abusive people…

I do have waves of complete sadness and compassion for abusive people – to the point where I cry, because I don’t want their lives to be what they are – for ‘their’ sakes.

Then I wonder if this is unhealthy and I am being pulled back into their desire for me to feel sorry for them, when I know – they do not in any way feel any compassion, remorse or guilt for anything they do. And I know they ‘want’ people to feel sorry for them, so they can continue what they are doing.

These emotions confuse me.

And I know I do have empathy for even the worst types of abusive people. Like paedophiles, psychopaths, malignant narcissists.

I struggle between having empathy……. and knowing this can be the slippery slope to what Satan wants.

I see others who think they have compassion, and mercy and forgiveness – and they enable abusers, minimize what they do, attach neutral words to who they are and what they do…… and think that’s wisdom. It’s not – it’s Satan’s work.

And I know it’s not wisdom.

But, I still can’t help feeling so sorry for anyone who is so fucked up, they choose dark, abusive needs, and enjoy it, or have no willingness to deal with what they truly are.

Some people tell me my empathy is wrong and unhealthy.

Some tell me it is good.

Some tell me it isn’t enough and I need to view them in positive/neutral ways.

I think of Christian music and songs that say everyone needs forgiveness, mercy, compassion. But so many church people and people claiming to be Christians, get this so wrong.

Yes, everyone does need mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace ……. but in no way should that ever = enabling, condoning, minimizing, ignoring, avoiding or applying cheap grace.

I feel a great need within me – to make sure I am seeing this in the most healthy and wise way.

Am I there yet…… I really don’t know. But, I do see I am further along getting this, that many.

I’m not weak…….. but I still deep inside, believe I am.

I will never ‘get over’ or understand the lack of empathy, the deep darkness within someone, who can set up their own child to be sexually abused.

I am still dealing with the reality of this being my own mother.

I have still not processed all my emotions and pain, about this yet.

Dealing with this reality and this depth and severity of betrayal, feels beyond hard at times.

I am still dealing with trauma, deep grieving and current shit – all together.

I must realise how strong I am, to cope with it all, instead of these feelings I am currently having – of what a failure I am and how weak I am.

 

Self soothing rituals, of narcissistic & disordered people’s ‘good acts’.

You can take the girl out of the clubs…….. but you’ll never fully take the clubber, out of the girl.

I love dance, clubbing music.

It is in my soul and I will always love it.

I love all the Kris Menace remix’s of my favourite singer Lana Del Rey ~ who’s music represents most of my life.

Love this remix too.

How manipulative people, deal with their issues so they can live with themselves.

I’ve seen this pattern with my husband repeatedly now, for years.

Every time there is any discussion about his issues – he will deny it, lie about it – and all that shit…….. and then immediately  find something to do, to make himself believe he is a good person. To soothe himself.

So, he will go and find washing do to. Or ask the kids if they want to do something.

He isn’t doing these things to be a decent person,

he is doing them so he can live in this ‘illusion’ –

that he is a decent person.

He is deluding himself.

He is ‘not’ deluding me.

I see this is a ritual for self soothing,

to continue to remain in avoidance,

of the truth about self.

I see this very clearly.

I can see how many narcissistic people do this.

And all the ‘good’ stuff they do, to make themselves feel like they are ‘good’ people…….. is purely to hide and avoid, all the bad stuff they do, that they are unwilling to face.

Sadly, I can see how many others fall for this too.

And truly believe these people are good people, who do good things for genuine reasons, when in fact – they are not, at all.

There is nothing genuine about their behaviour and motivations, at all.

Their behaviours are never about other people, they are always completely for self.

Robot mode, fully switched on.

I am aware of my capacity to be in robot mode when really stressed or having overwhelming emotions, and still fully function, but just in a zoned out mode.

I am aware it is due to stress, anxiety and fear for my future. The future for my children.

I am forcing myself to eat, water my gardens etc.

I am eating because I know I need to.

I am watering my gardens and pots, because I need to, or they’ll die.

But, all sense of enjoyment for things I had started enjoying, has gone and has been gone for a few weeks now.

I can make myself be out of this robot mode around my children and plug in, but the rest of the time… numb.

I don’t know if this is good or bad, because I have decisions to make …… and I am now having no emotional connection when I think about it.

Numb.