Vomiting, due to so much anxiety and thinking of what’s gone on in my marriage.

I’ve been feeling nauseous for a few weeks now, due to so much stress, anxiety. I’m not eating much because of it and I’ve lost weight. As well as dizziness and other stuff.

It’s now at the point of physically throwing up today, which is not something that has happened for a long time.

Going to have to start taking Seroquel to try and ease my anxiety. It numbs me out even more and makes me sleep – but I would rather that anyway. I know I can take it in the morning and evening if I need to and my husband will just have to do the school runs.

It will be good if I can just sleep every day, during the daytime while the kids are in school, and sleep all night and just not exist, as much as is possible.

Poem ~ Stay Quiet, Stay Silent

Poem ~ Stay Quiet, Stay Silent

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

.

Maybe it is me

Who is insane

Maybe abuse

Is really okay

.

I should accept

It is a part of life

.

Stay quiet, stay silent

.

Maybe, I deserve it

After all

Maybe, they are all right

After all

.

Stay quiet, stay silent

.

Child abuse is ‘beautiful’,

Says the Pope

Abusive marriages ‘adequate’,

Says the counsellor

Many believe

They are so wise

.

Many have told me abuse

Is ‘not that bad’

Abusers are good and nice

.

Stay quiet, stay silent

.

Maybe it is me

I have it so wrong

Maybe abuse is love

After all

.

I should accept

Stop complaining

Accept my lot

Like a good girl

.

Stay quiet, stay silent

.

Give in

.

Give up

.

Stay quiet, stay silent

.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

© Copyright Protected.

Big eyes, big lies.

“Blessed is … this Union”. It’s the church way …… to believe some abuse, is okay.

Abuse, in any form – is okay – or neutral …. the messages I have received all my life and I still am.

It’s society’s way……. the church way……. child abuse is okay, abuse in marriage is okay, spiritual abuse is okay.

And of course the victim is the problem, the issue. The victim needs to stay quiet. And it is always the victim fault.

In fact – to call themselves a victim, is being pathetic and acting a victim. Just suck it up and get over it already and be nice to the abusers – they are nice/good people really, they are the ones who deserve the compassion and good/positive labels, not the victims.

It’s love, compassion, mercy, grace….. to condone and accept abuse…….. is the church way.

Everyone in my life, wants me to believe abuse is ‘not that bad’.

Throughout my entire life, I have had continual messages from others that abuse is ‘not that bad’ and I shouldn’t complain and just tolerate it.

My family of origin did this. They made it very clear I was not to complain or say anything they did was wrong.

When the psychopath went to prison, he got 15 months and was out in 9 months for ‘good behaviour’ and clearly that meant that to others, what he did to me was ‘not that bad’.

During my first marriage, his friends and parents told me his alcoholic/gambling/abusive behaviours were okay and I should not complain.

During all the trauma from the Baptist Church, everyone involved let me know that what they did ‘was not that bad’ and people really believe they are good people and I was the problem.

Now in my marriage, even my own counsellor who defends abusers continually – uses positive/neutral words for them – wants me to believe I can have an ‘adequately abusive’ relationship.

So it must be me ……. I must be the one that’s wrong and maybe abuse is not that bad and abusers are good people and I am the bad person for saying differently.

Maybe I have this twisted idea that abuse is horrendous and it isn’t, its okay really.

Maybe I should just tolerate it quietly, endure it and not complain.

Maybe I do deserve it.

Maybe I never deserved any better.

Maybe it is my ego that believes I deserve to be treated with respect and loved and cared about and I am wrong. And I do deserve all I have endured.

Maybe all these abusive people are in fact good people and I am the terrible person for considering differently and saying what they do, is wrong.

Maybe abuse is just part of life and I should quit whinging and just accept it.