Throughout my entire life, I have had continual messages from others that abuse is ‘not that bad’ and I shouldn’t complain and just tolerate it.
My family of origin did this. They made it very clear I was not to complain or say anything they did was wrong.
When the psychopath went to prison, he got 15 months and was out in 9 months for ‘good behaviour’ and clearly that meant that to others, what he did to me was ‘not that bad’.
During my first marriage, his friends and parents told me his alcoholic/gambling/abusive behaviours were okay and I should not complain.
During all the trauma from the Baptist Church, everyone involved let me know that what they did ‘was not that bad’ and people really believe they are good people and I was the problem.
Now in my marriage, even my own counsellor who defends abusers continually – uses positive/neutral words for them – wants me to believe I can have an ‘adequately abusive’ relationship.
So it must be me ……. I must be the one that’s wrong and maybe abuse is not that bad and abusers are good people and I am the bad person for saying differently.
Maybe I have this twisted idea that abuse is horrendous and it isn’t, its okay really.
Maybe I should just tolerate it quietly, endure it and not complain.
Maybe I do deserve it.
Maybe I never deserved any better.
Maybe it is my ego that believes I deserve to be treated with respect and loved and cared about and I am wrong. And I do deserve all I have endured.
Maybe all these abusive people are in fact good people and I am the terrible person for considering differently and saying what they do, is wrong.
Maybe abuse is just part of life and I should quit whinging and just accept it.