Surprising but, hopeful convo with my husband. Update…… nope, it’s not.

My husband can be such a miserable shit and takes his bad moods and issues out on my children, and me. And has always felt quite entitled to do so.

Since doing night shifts, his ‘tired’ moods are pretty bad and he complains about the kids making noise and makes me have anxiety trying to keep them quiet, until I told him a few months back, I’m not tip toeing around his miserable moods any more.

Due to being diagnosed with a personality disorder a few weeks back, he has been prescribed Prozac, which he has recently started taking over the last week.

This last few days – while on night shifts – I have noticed he has been making an effort to be less miserable and shitty.

So I told him this just now. I said that I noticed he has been making an effort and has not been grumpy, to which he stated he has been making an effort.

I told him the Prozac won’t be the reason either – because he hasn’t been taking it long enough, so I wanted to acknowledge that it is ‘his effort’……. not the medication.

To which he agreed, it isn’t the medication.

Then I stated calmly, that he could have been making this effort all along in the past – couldn’t he….. ??

To which he laughed and jokingly stated ‘oh no – it’s the medication’.

And I laughed because I knew exactly what he was joking about. That he is jokingly not wanting to admit, that he was a selfish shit all along and could have been a more decent person making this effort, for the last few (15) years.

I can tell from this exchange and convo, that he ‘does’ get it.

He knows, his behaviour has been selfish and that is not okay.

And that with effort, things could have very different and that he ‘chose’ to make life crappy for our sons, and for me.

But, I didn’t labour this point, because I want him to feel encouraged.

And all progress, is progress.

And I always want to acknowledge and encourage that.

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*sigh.

Update, since this convo, my husband has confessed that he has been lying to me for the last few days. I told him his parents who were planning to come over for Christmas, need to ‘not’ book their flights yet, for various reasons – including that I have too much to deal with already that is making me ill – which is partly his issues and they have issues which are hard to deal with. And just wait until closer to the time, to see what is happening. He was supposed to tell them not to book their flights yet.. And he didn’t and now their flights are booked.

For fucks sake!

I would love to set up an ‘inner child healing sanctuary’. It would be a dream come true.

I think this would be amazing. Lots of inner child healing activities and the ideas are endless.

I don’t complain about not having money to spare for holidays and luxuries, but there are times when I do wish I had more money – to do good with it.

I wouldn’t want this to be something that would be about profit, or for any other reason than – because people who have suffered in their childhoods, would really benefit from it.

I would love to be able to offer this free and pay for the transport costs too. Because many people who need help, don’t have money to spare.

This visualisation all started earlier today, when I asked my online friends, who wanted to come to my house for inner child fun, listing all the things I have here in my home, that would be so fun to share with my friends. Like; my pool, fairy garden, craft, sewing, scrapbooking, colouring, blanket and sheets to make forts and heaps more. Plus milk, cookies, ice cream, chocolate, cupcakes and yummy stuff.

Day dreaming about nice stuff and how to help others, has always been a coping strategy for me.

Why I will never trust a human being. Because I see what is in the core of human behaviour.

My discernment and insight skills are pretty deep. I actually wish they weren’t, but that’s one of the outcomes of all the abuse I have endured in my life, due to the survival need of vigilance.

People mostly act from their own needs and then project that outwards.

I’ve even realised this is what my counsellor does. She has this need to be a ‘good Christian’, and be nice/compassionate to everyone, so in order to make that possible, she has formulated a set of her own needs/views to be able to deal with abusive people….. and then projects that onto others.

She ‘needs’ – for herself, to deal with abusers and abuse as ‘neutral’. She doesn’t want to see abusers as ‘bad’ people, because she has to be nice to them. So the self needy easy road, is to view them as neutral.

And she has projected that onto me……….. which is nothing to do with ‘my’ needs……. it’s ‘her’ own issues.

She shamed me into believing ‘her’ needs are wise, and to see abusive relationships as adequate. Even though that is such bad advice to give to me. But, her needs and views were paramount above the needs of her client. Not intentionally, but never-the-less, that’s the bottom line.

People have this ‘self-driven’ behaviour all the time and then can justify their own needs – as compassion, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

And I don’t think this makes someone a bad person, but humanity is selfish and acts from own needs.

But, this is why I will never trust anyone.

No-one can be trusted.

I don’t trust my counsellor.

I don’t trust anyone.

I will remain alone for the rest of my life, because I know not to trust humanity.

This gets proven to me, over and over.