I am already really hurt by several things my counsellor has done. None of which she sees are an issue. Because I have no worth and no opinion to her.
She has encouraged me to shut down this blog and my page several times, and never validates or encourages what I do to try and help others, as having any worth. Many other mental health professionals and counsellors validate my work, but not my own.
She also has this need to see abusers, abuse and abusive relationships as neutral, or even positive. And projects that onto others.
Today, I turned up for my appointment and centre stage for all to see in reception – is a poster for an exhibition and competition for people in prison. This will no doubt include people who are rapists, paedophiles, murderers, sex offenders, psychopaths, sociopaths, amongst other types of prisoners. Prisons are full of them.
For a start – how insensitive is it to abuse victims – at a counselling centre – to have to see posters glorifying prisoners and their desire to tell their (sob) stories and shoving that in the faces of victims…. such a lack of empathy. And yes, I do believe they need help, but glorifying them, no.
Of course, I will be told I lack compassion for prisoners, but I don’t and actually displaying this poster – in a counselling centre – is lacking empathy for the victims of abuse visiting that counselling centre, many of whom, will have abusers in prison, or have been in prison.
And, I see that for some, it’s okay to glorify them – people who have done wrong, often hurting others – intentionally – but if they ‘claim’ to have changed their lives – they should be glorified and put up as being something worthy and their work and what they do – should be glorified, raised up, shown to the world.
But, victims of abuse and victims of these people who go to prison, need to silenced. Like me. I am not worthy of such glorification – not that I want it – but none-the-less, I am worthless. I’m not even worthy of encouragement.
I can’t take this mindset anymore.
It hurts too much.
It was a good thing I had been told the wrong appointment time and told to come back, because I know I will have just sat there and cried at how hurt I am. And I can’t go back.
I feel so hurt, so abandoned and I know I’m being told in a covert way, I am worthless. And abusive people are okay.
Like everyone has told me, all my life.
I can’t handle anymore of this attitude that so many church people have – of showing compassion only for abusive people, people who choose to do wrong and hurt people, describe relationships with such people as adequate……. and silencing the victims.
I am so scared to end yet another relationship, one where I have tried so hard to trust and I have developed a bond and an attachment. I know people don’t understand how terrifying it is to end relationships where a complex trauma victim has tried to trust and become reliant and dependent.
But, it is terrifying and so painful.
I am numb right now, because I cannot let my emotions out about this.
Completely numb.
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