Poem……. Please don’t leave me, I’m begging you ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
Please don’t leave me
I’m begging you
.
Please, please forgive me
For all I have done wrong
All I said wrong
For saying you hurt me
I will be compliant
Please forgive me
.
I will try to be
What you want
.
I will try to do
What you want
.
I will try to say
What you want
.
Please don’t leave me
I’m begging you
.
I will let you hurt me
And be what you want
I know I am in a bad way and I have no-one I can go to.
My husband doesn’t care about me at all and lies, manipulates and many other abusive, narcissistic behaviours.
I can’t even write what I feel about my counselling.
On top of everything else I am still trying to deal with about my past…. I cannot cope. At all.
It is always force, but the child victim is often groomed into accepting abuse, or in fear of what is happening and too fearful to try to stop it.
Or just plain does not understand what is happening.
But, this does not lesson the responsibility of the sexual abuse being 100% the abusers responsibility – for committing acts of evil, of severe abuse, to a child.
Sadly, many of us carry such horrendous shame and guilt, that was never ours to feel or own, but we do.
And even worse, is how few people have empathy about this, and shame us even more.
Often minimizing and invalidating the pain and suffering.
And worse, flaunt compassion for these abusers……. in our faces.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario ❤
Lyrics.
I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer.
At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer – not a very popular one,
I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I’d been living, they asked me why – but there’s no use in talking to people who have home.
They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people – for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner dissociativeness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean…
Fear is a terrible experience.
You’d think I would be used to it by now. I’ve endured so much fear in my life. But, it still affects me, exactly the same way it has all my life.
When faced with my worst fears – abandonment, loss……. the fear takes over and it will bring me to begging, and if necessary I will just say and do whatever is needed. To survive the fear and avoid what I fear the most….. abandonment by someone I have an attachment to, who I need, who I have become dependent on.
And this is where I am heading. The good old fawn trauma response. Do what they want, do what they say, agree, comply, be a good girl, don’t complain, don’t argue, don’t stand up for yourself., don’t say what someone is doing is wrong ….. you know will get hurt, if you do. They will leave you, you will be alone.
I know what’s coming, I will apologise for what I feel, I will say whatever is needed, whatever repairs the damage, completely to the cost of my own self respect and my own needs.
It’s how it has always been.
I will do whatever, than be hurt, and faced with hurt I cannot cope with, or abandonment ……. I will do anything.
Which is the lessor of the two evils.
The lessor of the two evils of fear.
“Don’t leave me now……. don’t say goodbye…… don’t turn around……leave me high and dry” – Lana Del Rey – Ride
I am always so deeply thankful, when I see professionals, working for the needs of the victims of trauma, abuse and torture.
Professionals who allow the victims of complex trauma and prolonged abuse, like me, a voice and show the compassion and empathy needed, that is so lacking in society. And lacking within the mental health profession too.
From Dr Tama Lane’s website….
Hello there! I’m Dr Tama Lane, a psychologist and an advocate for survivors of trauma and torture. I am dedicated to treating individuals psychologically impacted by the cycle of violence. I have worked in Chicago, New York, including Bellevue/NYU Program for Survivors of Torture, and in the Middle East (Jordan and Palestine).
My professional experiences have fueled a commitment to service diverse populations affected by various life stressors and trauma. I have a particular interest in the psychological trauma of individuals affected by war trauma and torture, including community and personal violence, both locally and internationally. I am committed to expanding my understanding of the legacy of trauma and violence, their social implications and the manner in which they influence and jeopardize human development and families.
I want to encourage survivors of trauma (and their families) around the world to step out of their shadows of silence and help them cope with their invisible wounds.
My aim is to reach the broadest possible audience internationally, using video resources, relevant news content and social media. The experience will always be non-judgemental, confidential and practical (non-academic). I will share the real-life experiences of survivors who have broken their silence and found healing to again live a full life.
Survivors of trauma should not suffer in silence. Being visible should never make you feel vulnerable. I want to help survivors take the first steps in the healing process.
Victims of abuse are shamed all the time into silence.
I get it in counselling, because it’s most church people’s way – to silence victims from speaking out and the levels of shame inducing behaviours church people inflict, is beyond disgusting. And show the abusers the compassion…. only. Of course, their ego’s refuse to see that. Whatever makes their lives easy and makes them ‘look’ like and ‘feel’ like, good Christians.
I am so thankful to see Prof. Brene Brown – an expert on society’s huge issues of shame, speaking up about the covert ways people are silenced, about how being expected to be walking on egg shells – is not okay and how we do need to speak up.
Glad to see someone with the guts to say this.
Desperately trying to not feel any emotions right now, but I can feel the fear within me.
In human terms of people physically in my life, I am completely alone.
I am already really hurt by several things my counsellor has done. None of which she sees are an issue. Because I have no worth and no opinion to her.
She has encouraged me to shut down this blog and my page several times, and never validates or encourages what I do to try and help others, as having any worth. Many other mental health professionals and counsellors validate my work, but not my own.
She also has this need to see abusers, abuse and abusive relationships as neutral, or even positive. And projects that onto others.
Today, I turned up for my appointment and centre stage for all to see in reception – is a poster for an exhibition and competition for people in prison. This will no doubt include people who are rapists, paedophiles, murderers, sex offenders, psychopaths, sociopaths, amongst other types of prisoners. Prisons are full of them.
For a start – how insensitive is it to abuse victims – at a counselling centre – to have to see posters glorifying prisoners and their desire to tell their (sob) stories and shoving that in the faces of victims…. such a lack of empathy. And yes, I do believe they need help, but glorifying them, no.
Of course, I will be told I lack compassion for prisoners, but I don’t and actually displaying this poster – in a counselling centre – is lacking empathy for the victims of abuse visiting that counselling centre, many of whom, will have abusers in prison, or have been in prison.
And, I see that for some, it’s okay to glorify them – people who have done wrong, often hurting others – intentionally – but if they ‘claim’ to have changed their lives – they should be glorified and put up as being something worthy and their work and what they do – should be glorified, raised up, shown to the world.
But, victims of abuse and victims of these people who go to prison, need to silenced. Like me. I am not worthy of such glorification – not that I want it – but none-the-less, I am worthless. I’m not even worthy of encouragement.
I can’t take this mindset anymore.
It hurts too much.
It was a good thing I had been told the wrong appointment time and told to come back, because I know I will have just sat there and cried at how hurt I am. And I can’t go back.
I feel so hurt, so abandoned and I know I’m being told in a covert way, I am worthless. And abusive people are okay.
Like everyone has told me, all my life.
I can’t handle anymore of this attitude that so many church people have – of showing compassion only for abusive people, people who choose to do wrong and hurt people, describe relationships with such people as adequate……. and silencing the victims.
I am so scared to end yet another relationship, one where I have tried so hard to trust and I have developed a bond and an attachment. I know people don’t understand how terrifying it is to end relationships where a complex trauma victim has tried to trust and become reliant and dependent.
But, it is terrifying and so painful.
I am numb right now, because I cannot let my emotions out about this.
Completely numb.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
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