Fear is a terrible experience.
You’d think I would be used to it by now. I’ve endured so much fear in my life. But, it still affects me, exactly the same way it has all my life.
When faced with my worst fears – abandonment, loss……. the fear takes over and it will bring me to begging, and if necessary I will just say and do whatever is needed. To survive the fear and avoid what I fear the most….. abandonment by someone I have an attachment to, who I need, who I have become dependent on.
And this is where I am heading. The good old fawn trauma response. Do what they want, do what they say, agree, comply, be a good girl, don’t complain, don’t argue, don’t stand up for yourself., don’t say what someone is doing is wrong ….. you know will get hurt, if you do. They will leave you, you will be alone.
I know what’s coming, I will apologise for what I feel, I will say whatever is needed, whatever repairs the damage, completely to the cost of my own self respect and my own needs.
It’s how it has always been.
I will do whatever, than be hurt, and faced with hurt I cannot cope with, or abandonment ……. I will do anything.
Which is the lessor of the two evils.
The lessor of the two evils of fear.
“Don’t leave me now……. don’t say goodbye…… don’t turn around……leave me high and dry” – Lana Del Rey – Ride