Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

So numb, I can’t even talk in counselling.


I’m surviving the only way I know that doesn’t get me more hurt.

Numbed out, doing what’s expected of me. Don’t argue, don’t stand up for myself, agree with whatever people want.

Life is easier that way.

I have children to consider and they have to come before me.

And I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me and no-one to help me and I can’t cope with everything going on, on my own.

It’s easy for people to say I should be doing XYZ. It’s easy for my counsellor to project what she believes and remind me frequently how she thinks I have courage, but no wisdom. It’s easy for everyone to say what ‘they’ think. And to make me feel like a failure and more shame, for not doing what is ‘expected’ of me.

None of those people are having to deal with ‘my’ past and what is going on in ‘my’ life now. I am.

I’m surviving the only way I know, that gets me less hurt.

If that’s not good enough for anyone, so be it.

And I want to be numb.

I need to be numb.

It’s easier than feeling.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “So numb, I can’t even talk in counselling.

  1. I understand. Current circumstances and situations (i.e., physical illness, financial status) dictate HOW I deal with what only I CAN deal with – my trauma. I thought this was about MY empowerment anyway. Thank you for saying this at a time I needed to hear it from someone else.