I’m surviving the only way I know that doesn’t get me more hurt.
Numbed out, doing what’s expected of me. Don’t argue, don’t stand up for myself, agree with whatever people want.
Life is easier that way.
I have children to consider and they have to come before me.
And I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me and no-one to help me and I can’t cope with everything going on, on my own.
It’s easy for people to say I should be doing XYZ. It’s easy for my counsellor to project what she believes and remind me frequently how she thinks I have courage, but no wisdom. It’s easy for everyone to say what ‘they’ think. And to make me feel like a failure and more shame, for not doing what is ‘expected’ of me.
None of those people are having to deal with ‘my’ past and what is going on in ‘my’ life now. I am.
I’m surviving the only way I know, that gets me less hurt.
If that’s not good enough for anyone, so be it.
And I want to be numb.
I need to be numb.
It’s easier than feeling.