I see that I am back to where I have always been. Any healing I thought I was going through, has obvious not occurred. Maybe I just thought that if I believed it, it was true. Now, I have given up.
People talk about my courage. It’s the only positive thing my counsellor speaks of me having and now it is pretty obvious, I am failing at that. I realise considering where I am at now, this proves my courage is not as deep as anyone thinks.
I feel like a complete failure, I feel deep shame and self loathing. I’m not strong enough and I have to accept that about myself.
I feel like a fraud at times – talking about healing to others, when I am clearly so far from that myself.
But, whilst I realise I am not healing ………. I do still believe in healing for others. I see others that have courage needed and are improving their lives and I am so deeply thankful for that for them. I want to still encourage that in others.
It is my greatest desire, that other people heal and I know this is possible for many, as they develop the strength needed to improve their lives and move away from trauma.
Even if I have given up, I want others to not give up and I know others have it in them to not give up and I want to support that.
Even if I can’t do this myself…….. I want this for others.