Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Fear…… the dark nightmare of my life.

11 Comments

Through fear, and knowing I am not strong enough to do anything else, I have given in to my current situation.

Having the knowledge and understanding of why I am doing what I am doing, is worse than when I didn’t know. It is soul destroying.

Courage and strength has been the things I have clung onto believing I have, and now I know, I don’t have them.

strong

Being someone who passionately believes in not tolerating abuse, is something I have clung onto, and now I am doing the opposite of what I believe.

And this is all due to fear. Fear is soul destroying. It makes you do things that destroy you inside.

I can’t talk to Jesus. I can’t look my counsellor in the face. I can’t face all my online friends who think I’m so courageous and want me to be strong.

The shame and hopelessness, are all consuming.

My only way of coping is numbing it all out. Numbing and going to that place, where people love me and kind to me. My fantasy place of pretending my life is okay. It’s nice there.

If it weren’t for my children, I would live in that pretend place all the time. But, if it weren’t for my children, I wouldn’t be stuck in this dark nightmare.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “Fear…… the dark nightmare of my life.

  1. I am in the same dark place. I was thinking earlier today…For circumstantial reasons, as well as the unfolding mental turmoil that arises from my “awareness”, that in order to survive (and I mean survive, literally!) I must put all this on hold for a little while. So that I don’t implode. So that I don’t get physically sicker than I am now. So that an existing health condition doesn’t deteriorate or get put on a back burner. I have never learned to make ANY decision based on MY best interest, so maybe my decision, for now, is to be numb. To just stay in the place I’m in now. My therapist and doctors may not understand that a decision to not act is, in itself, a decision. Thank you.

  2. Me too lilly. I’m sorry you going through this. I wouldn’t be alive right now if it weren’t for my kids. I really want to be locked away i feel like I’m going crazy and nobody has a clue. Not a fuckn idea. How the fuck do we keep it together from day to day. I don’t even want to live for my kids because i feel so burdening. They don’t need a useless mother. I love you and care for you and really hope you see some light soon. I would miss you very much if you left.

    • My dear, cherished friend, I love you ❤

      We are both mothers to our precious children who need us and I do know when I am more rational – their lives would be so much worse without us. But, it is okay to feel that this pressure is too much sometimes, because the pressure to cope every day, is overwhelming at times.

      I know I have to learning to try to accept my fears, my intense emotions and I realise I will want you to try to have self compassion as to why we feel this way. That self compassion bit, is really fucking hard and I need to have that more myself.

      These intense emotions are horrible to endure and I know I am medicating mine to cope at the moment. And I have to accept that this is where I am at.

      It also helps me to have more empathy for others, who are struggling and to accept people where they are at, with no judgment. And to know I have to try to apply that no judgment to myself.

      My friend, where you at and how you feel, I understand – I really do ❤

      • In know that’s why i messaged. I was really upset little girl. I’m just so tired of it all. I love you and want you to feel better too.

  3. There are so many times that it is only for our children that we keep going on. Hang in there my sister. You are stronger than you realize. Praying for you.

  4. I don’t know if we can get better. The trauma seems like a river. You can dam it up, redirect it. It ebbs and surges low and high. The things I’ve learned “to cope” (what a joke!) are just tricks to temporarily short circuit the flow. Yoga, deep breathing, avoiding vexatious people and circumstance. The problem is, every time, someone or something will happen that I can’t route around, I can’t hide from and I can’t not confront. If I was getting better wouldn’t it get less difficult? The deep abiding shame that I live anyway. Is there really anything that will make us truly KNOW that I am worth something. The fear cripples me until I hide. The loneliness when hiding sends into depression. Depression creates destruction. Maybe staying medicated, one way or another, changing the brain chemicals and responses its the only way to stop it. So….Zombie or zombie.. what a choice.

    • I don’t know if we can get better either. The trauma was – and still is – absolute abnegation of my soul. Its like the trauma was inflicted on me while I was in the womb – I never stood a chance. That being said, my Hope’s in Heaven.