Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Ethical men, don’t come into my life often……. but I am so thankful to those who do.

I don’t have experience with ethical men, due to always veering towards abusive, unethical men…

So when an ethical, empathic man comes into my life in any way, it is a shock…. and I am deeply thankful.

The very kind man who donated $585 to my book fund, is someone who wants ethical consumerism and also names and shames rogues/con men – which are basically sociopaths/psychopaths – who rip people off, with no remorse.

Neil Jenman has websites dedicated to this work ……. http://www.jenmanfightsback.com.au/ …… is one of them. And I see him and his wife are committed to this, which is wonderful.

Neil also has enemies – of course – because when people with ethics, have a strong voice within an unethical field, it creates a lot of enemies. But I truly thank people like Neil, who speak anyway.

And to know not only are his ethics in business strong, but he also hates bullying, abuse, domestic violence, is an added level of empathy that I have such gratitude for.

Ethics, empathy, a voice for those abused, charitable heart …….. I am not used to men with these qualities.

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WOW!!! A donation of $585 from an author/business man, who supports abuse/child abuse/domestic violence survivors.

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Neil Jenman, a successful author, consumer advocate, real estate businessman – who names and shames rogues who rip off consumers………, saw my GoFundMe account for raising funds for my book, and has matched all the donations, and donated $585 today !!!!

WOW!!!

Neil shows considerable empathy for victims of abuse, including being very upset that the biggest selling real estate magazine API – currently have a front cover with a known sex offender on it. Neil stated on Twitter, that this reduced him and his wife to tears, due to the absolute lack of empathy for all this sex offender’s victims, shown by this magazine which is typical of the lack of empathy shown in general to abuse survivors.

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It is surreal that I am now researching info, on how to survive a marriage with a narcissist.

My husband is narcissistic, possibly sociopathic. He lies frequently, manipulates, is selfish, no empathy, no remorse, no guilt, sulks, is sarcastic, has tantrums, makes me feel like I need to walk on egg shells around him, gaslights, has rage when challenged, supplies me with alcohol to get sex, makes me feel unsafe, gets nasty when annoyed, is completely untrustworthy…. the list goes on.

And yes, he has other stuff, he is a good father mostly – he does spend time with our children, does homework with them, he does work and provides for his family and he does do stuff around the house, he cooks, does washing etc.

But, in no way does the good things he does, make up for all the rest.

And it is only due to my children, that I am still in this marriage.

And yes, some people will say I am supposed to love him as he is, but that should not include unconditionally accepting abuse. And those who believe it should, are abusive themselves. And need to shut up.

I am a complex trauma survivor …… and I know I was manipulated with lies by omission at the start of this relationship, with a fake version of who he is presented, and by the time I knew all the real stuff about him, it was too late, because I already had a child.

Now, I realise all of this and I know I have been manipulated, lied to and emotionally abused, for 15 years.

There are reasons I am still in this relationship, mostly due to my children and I get that other people won’t understand this and will expect me to be stronger and do what ‘they’ believe I should do, despite the fact that I have no physical and practical support in my life.

I guess it’s good and bad, that I am so used to being abused.

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Mixed emotions about not attending the Bessel van der Kolk workshop.

I am supposed to be there now, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I can’t do anything that is going to cause me any further distress right now, I am too fragile.

I feel sad, upset, a failure, weak, pathetic …… but relief and like I know I am doing what I need to protect myself, all at the same time.

alone

His work is too emotive to me to deal with right now. And at the end of the day, no-one else is living my life, bar me. So, I have to know that and remind myself of that. It’s easy for others to say what I ‘should’ do.

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