My husband is narcissistic, possibly sociopathic. He lies frequently, manipulates, is selfish, no empathy, no remorse, no guilt, sulks, is sarcastic, has tantrums, makes me feel like I need to walk on egg shells around him, gaslights, has rage when challenged, supplies me with alcohol to get sex, makes me feel unsafe, gets nasty when annoyed, is completely untrustworthy…. the list goes on.
And yes, he has other stuff, he is a good father mostly – he does spend time with our children, does homework with them, he does work and provides for his family and he does do stuff around the house, he cooks, does washing etc.
But, in no way does the good things he does, make up for all the rest.
And it is only due to my children, that I am still in this marriage.
And yes, some people will say I am supposed to love him as he is, but that should not include unconditionally accepting abuse. And those who believe it should, are abusive themselves. And need to shut up.
I am a complex trauma survivor …… and I know I was manipulated with lies by omission at the start of this relationship, with a fake version of who he is presented, and by the time I knew all the real stuff about him, it was too late, because I already had a child.
Now, I realise all of this and I know I have been manipulated, lied to and emotionally abused, for 15 years.
There are reasons I am still in this relationship, mostly due to my children and I get that other people won’t understand this and will expect me to be stronger and do what ‘they’ believe I should do, despite the fact that I have no physical and practical support in my life.
I guess it’s good and bad, that I am so used to being abused.
Good, because at least I am used to it and know I can survive it and used to be being used and treated badly.
Bad, because I have been abused all my life, and I realise how much self harming I have done – repeating the abuse, being duped by dishonest and manipulative men, and I know I don’t deserve this.
In my darker moments, I believe I must deserve all this.
But, I try to hold on to believing that I don’t.
The very fact that I am now researching how to live with and deal with a narcissistic spouse is a true reflection, of just how fucked up my life is, and how much core level, life impacting, long term damage was done to me, by my childhood.
I have to stay numb most of the time, to deal with this.
March 16, 2015 at 11:35 am
I really wish i wad there to help lil. Rashly wish. You will do what you need to do until you realise otherwise. I wish you would leave but i Totaly understand why you don’t. I have every faith in you that you could do it on your own. I’ve told you before there are many women before you and there will be many after you that will and can do it. You just have to believe in yourself. Time will come when you are ready. But you don’t deserve his shit either. Love you lil and know you are one strong capable woman even though you feel the total opposite. X
March 16, 2015 at 7:14 pm
Thank you my friend, I truly value your support and understanding ❤
March 16, 2015 at 2:25 pm
Realizing what is going on while living with a narcissist, is a big step. You can name all the behaviors for what they are. So many women have no clue what hit them until they have left and gotten help. Stay safe💜
March 16, 2015 at 7:15 pm
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know, but I do know it is better to be aware of what is going on and why.