I don’t know if I can live in this world much longer.

I know my life is not going to get any better. Whatever I do, I am doing the wrong thing. I am failing my children. I’m not strong enough to do what is needed, and I can’t go on much longer.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I want to give up completely. I have no hope for the future. I have no fight left in me anymore to try to sustain anything positive.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Modulating Our Emotions – Coping Skills After Narcissistic Abuse

Great advice for coping skills after narcissistic abuse.

After Narcissistic Abuse

A central feature of PTSD is the struggle we have to regulate our “affect” or regulate & modulate our emotions when encountering a stimulus or “trigger”.

When triggered, we find it difficult to regulate the intensity of our feelings and connect with the problem solving area of our brains. This results in the feelings of anxiety or arousal intensifying over time rather than diminishing and resolving themselves. Additionally, if we choose negative coping techniques such as over spending, over eating or withdrawing socially, among other things, we develop new maladaptive, trauma seeking behaviors that compile themselves on the original trauma: the narcissistic abuse.

The inability to stabilize our emotions and decrease our arousal in times of triggered anxiety is metaphorically comparable to having poor shock absorbers on our car. When we hit a bump in the road, we bounce all over the place. Likewise, when a survivor of narcissistic abuse encounters a…

View original post 720 more words

The many little moments, are what really matters.

I love this poster/quote.

Received a request to consider being a Beyond Blue speaker.

I received an email today, asking me if I would like to consider becoming a beyondblue speaker, in relation to anxiety and depression.

I do know beyondblue do a lot of really good work, however, I was recently concerned to see them on their facebook page, becoming involved in the Mardi Gras celebrations. I personally believe Mardi Gras creates greater stigma for LGBTI community, and the Mardi Gras encourages unwise and immoral behaviours, which I know is also the opinion of many gay people and I have bogged about this. I also had this validated in counselling as wise thinking of mine about this issue.

I am not a believer in everyone’s behaviours being tolerated as okay. This to me is not wise at all.

And I feel my concerns, is actually greater compassion for the LGBTI community, because I don’t want anyone encouraged in behaviours I feel are not wise, or healthy. And I do not believe anyone who celebrates Mardi Gras is a bad person at all…. in my 20’s – I would have thought Mardi Gras was great fun, fully participated. Now I realise this was my lack of self worth and was not healthy behaviour and I wished I had had more people in my life, to model what was healthy, about self respect etc.

I am not currently in a place to be a speaker for mental health, I am struggling every day with depression, and how messed up my life has been/is.

I have mixed feelings about beyondblue at the moment and this is why I have not pursued being more involved. I’m trying to get my head around Australia’s  largest mental health organisation, being unwise in what they encourage/support. 

Poem – Loss of Hope for the Future

Dark hole, increasing depression

Continuing pain and suppression

Life never getting any easier

Facing it only getting harder

. 

Daydreaming and fantasy

Of people who love me

Kindness, gentleness and caring

Only there, love they are sharing

. 

Love only exists in my dreams

Not deserved for real, it seems

Never deserved it to be shown

Real love, never known

Really depressed.

I have stuff going on in my life now I am not coping with. I have stuff from my past I am still not coping with. I now feel like I have hurt my counsellor and I know this will make me shut down and not talk. Because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Any little thing pushes me too far, and I am having big issues – security wise – with PayPal and my GoFundMe account that I have tried to fix and can’t. So I either continue with those issues as a problem, or I close down the fund – which looks really shady and is not what I want to do, because I want all that kept very transparent.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, life continues to be too hard and it never gets easier.