Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Maybe this is why some people shame victims, and refuse to see abusers for what they really are.


I see a lot of victim shaming and making excuses for abusive people, I see it everywhere. I even see it in my own counselling.

I think church people, and people who work with abusers, often feel compelled to have compassion for abusive people, despite knowing that these abusers wanted to cause harm, made choices to cause harm, and enjoyed it.

So, in order to have this level of compassion they feel they have to have and to be able to deal with them in a nice way …… they minimize what the victims endure….and want the victims to ‘get over it’ – so they can believe that abusers don’t really cause the level of damage that harms someone for a whole lifetime, causes so much pain that suicide occurs.

By shaming the victims, with this belief that they need to ‘get over it’ quicker, or shame them with this accusation of not forgiving etc…… they can blame the victim…… and not put the blame and shame where it is needed….. with the abuser.

Because to actually believe that abuse can be so evil that it causes lifelong damage to many and can result in suicide.. will make it harder to have compassion for the abuser who caused the evil.

And if it is harder to have compassion for the abuser, it’s harder to look like and believe self as being these wonderful, compassionate people, who have compassion for everyone. Plus, it is easier for them to deal directly with these people.

Of course it is easier to deal with sex offenders, serial rapists, paedophiles, psychopaths etc – if you minimize the evil they caused’ intentionally’, if you make excuses for them. That makes it much easier to be nice to them.

If you actually think of the reality of what they have done – the evil, harm and suffering they caused – intentionally – and know how much they enjoyed it……. it makes it harder to deal with them directly.

It makes life easier to minimize what abusers do……. than it does to deal with the reality.

And in order to do this, the victims pain and suffering needs to be minimized too. And the victim shamed for not getting over it quick enough – to make it easier to believe that abuse isn’t that evil after all.

I see this clearly occurring and the psychological reasons why people who deal with abusers, need to do whatever is necessary for their own needs, to deal with them – in a nice, compassionate, non judgmental way…….

Just like a ‘good Christian’ should….

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Maybe this is why some people shame victims, and refuse to see abusers for what they really are.

  1. It gets back to whatever lets you sleep at night. I am a survivor, i am struggling with my recovery. Ptsd is a burden we carry alone. People are uncomfortable when you adress the issues. If your behaviour is outside the “norm” you are avoided. Its scary dealing with this stuff. Having compassion works both ways and often gets lost in trying to “normalize” the offender because how could society allow such depravity? How do we move forward when the consequences of forgiveness is to minimize the pain we suffer?

    • Yes, I agree with you – it is about what makes their live easier, what makes them sleep at night.

      And I completely agree that the desire to show compassion – leads to normalising or minimizing what the abuser has done and I think it’s easier to forget that they did it intentionally, and enjoyed it and they knew it was wrong, but did it anyway.

      Forgiveness, grace, mercy etc, are all used as excuses to shame the victim, and take away the horror of what the abusers do.

  2. Excellent points, I STILL remember when I was in a mental hospital, and the ‘therapist’ said to me right away, ‘Have you forgiven him yet?’ – concerning my Dad. I was stunned but couldn’t say anything. People are frightened to recognize how much evil exists, and to know that anyone can be abused. They are protecting themselves from feeling vulnerable, also sometimes a person has been abused and doesn’t remember it consciously, therefore has to silence those who speak of these things. Then there are enablers and abusers. Just because they go to church means nothing. My abusers were all Christians-I doubt I would be so generous as to assume that people’s motives are about being able to be compassionate, although if seen as part of their self image that makes sense too……..Maybe their world view can’t tolerate knowing that ‘bad things can happen to good people’ etc.

    • I’m so sorry for all the abuse you have endured, including from the ‘Christians’. It is an added layer of disgusting for me, when church people abuse others, in the name of God.

      I don’t attend a church, due to my understanding of how messed up so many church people are, due to their messed up beliefs of how to deal with abuse and abusers, and how many are abusive themselves.

      They are often enablers and they sadly and wrongly believe this is being a good Christian. They confuse cheap grace, with grace and get it very wrong.

      I think they are so messed up with this belief that all sin is equal and this message of ‘we are all sinners’ and we ‘must not judge’ – that it is far easier for them to just ignore, minimize and justify abusers.

      It is easier to tell victims they need to just over it, forgive and shame them – rather than focus on the reality about the abusers.

      Church people are often more messed up, than secular society. And they spiritually abuse victims of abuse, far more than they are ever wiling to admit.