Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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My inbuilt switch to ‘working people/behaviours out’ is never off.

Due to being raised by highly abusive people, and living all my life in a state of fear, hyper vigilance and anxiety, due to needing to survive far too much prolonged abuse, my switch for ‘working people out’, is never off.

It is an inbuilt, sub conscious safety, protection mode, cranked up to the highest setting. And there is no dimmer, there is no off switch.

To some it may appear that I am overly critical, my expectations of others are too high, and it may even appear I believe myself to be ‘better’ than others. Which I can see how that may be how some would choose to view me. But actually it is wrong.

I don’t ‘want’ to have this vigilance/discernment switch on. I don’t want to know why people act the way they do, or know they are not being truthful and all the other things I see. I am sure my life would be easier if I was oblivious to it all.

It creates fear within me, when I see these traits. Quite frankly I would rather not know when I am being lied to, manipulated, gas-lighted, my life would be easier. I wish I could just think people are a bit weird and shrug it off, like most.

I know why my switch in continually on, and it is due to so much abuse and I would much rather none of this had happened. I would rather be someone who thinks most people are great people and those who do wrong, rarely do wrong, which is actually a positive illusion.

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The narcissistic silent treatment.

This was interesting reading and of course – those engaging in this behaviour ~ won’t admit this is what they doing. There will always be some excuse, some justification given. And they will believe their excuses and delude themselves these excuses are real.

This was written in relation to partners, which I see in my husband – he has done this many times. But, I also see it can be applied to any type of relationship.

It will also likely be co-occurring with frequent lies, gaslighting, excuses the victim is misunderstanding/misinterpreting.

It is very covert, manipulative behaviour. And I can see this behaviour would be used in those with high enough levels of narcissism, that don’t necessarily meet a diagnosis for NPD, but are far enough along the narcissistic continuum enough to be abusive.

And it is very upsetting, abusive and frustrating – to those of us who choose and do not want to be manipulative, covert and devious and instead are very upfront and open, as I am.


http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment/

Narcissistic Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is frequently utilized as a lever to gain control in the power struggles of many relationships. Never is this more evident than in the conflicts of a narcissistic relationship. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment with someone, they take it to the extreme. A narcissist may refuse to speak to or even acknowledge someone for great lengths of time- and then demand an apology that is out of proportion to the perceived offense. By demanding this apology, it supports the narcissist’s inflated view of himself or herself.

The silent treatment is a common form of abuse used by people who cannot tolerate being on the receiving end of someone else’s self-assertiveness. The silent treatment effectually cuts the victim off from the abuser; it sends a clear message to the victim about how insignificant they are and how easy it is for the abuser to live without them. It is utilized by insecure people with a poor self image who cannot keep up their end of a relationship through dialogue. When the victim does something that displeases the narcissist, they cease to exist for a certain period of time-most often extensive and disproportionate amounts of time.

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I have to be on Facebook somewhere, for the funny memes! Gotta have some humour ;)

I have a sense of humour and at times it is inappropriate. I care not. The funny memes that go round – make me giggle/laugh and I am okay with that.

Gotta get some humour somewhere.

hum17

This is so me! ^^^

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I don’t have an urge to do this ^^^^ but it’s still funny.

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I wish this was me ^^^^.

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I am not brave even when they not flying, I can’t stand cockroaches! ***Shudders.

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When really low…. getting two loads of washing done and on the line, is an achievement.

I am a great believer in just doing what you can do and not expect more of yourself, because it’s self harming to expect more than is capable. I see so many self harming issues ~ us trauma survivors have.

I believe this. I let others know this. I want others to believe this, so they suffer less.

Yet I struggle with it too. Struggle with the sense of being a failure and shame. So, I get it when others feel this way. I also see how shame affects us too.

Life is really fucking hard when you have suffered severe prolonged trauma, have PTSD, depression, grieving and have all the many really fucking horrendous consequences and life impacting issues created by it. And I see there is anger in this sentence and that’s okay too, anger is allowed, as long as expressed appropriately. Anger is within grieving.

Self compassion is something I know we all need, and I struggle with. After a lifetime of having people put me down, belittle and abuse me, and then internalising that and continuing it to myself….. I know those patterns of behaviour, those deeply rooted trauma induced behaviours, don’t change quickly.

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A song on the radio, causing horrible emotional flashbacks. Dub Be Good To Me.

Heard this yesterday and it was not pleasant. Horrible emotional and visual flashbacks of the psychopath. Flashback of a club I was taken to, owned by the psychopath’s friend. He liked to ‘show me off’. Me being around 18 and he being 25 years older. Makes me nauseous feeling like being back there.

I realise, I will always have flashbacks. I have far too much abuse spread out over decades to know them all and avoid them all. And music is often a trigger to flashbacks for me.

This song highlights how people will tolerate abusive relationships, will survive them anyway they can. This song to me represents trauma bonding.


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“Right wing religious beliefs, can often simply be infantile narcissism”

Why, because they choose to believe ‘I am special, because I believe I have been chosen and I am saved’.

This is an interesting concept and I have seen so much narcissism/sociopathy particularly within right wing church people and I’ve even stated many churches are breeding grounds for narcissists/sociopaths. And I stand by that belief.

Neuroscience proves right wing conservative views are linked with the dark triad traits and I see that very clearly – with the lack of empathy, lack of conscience, lack of remorse, lack of guilt. And their narcissistic belief they are ‘special’.

This is how they can Bible bash at people, and feel totally entitled to do so. Twist Bible verses, have selective Bible verse abuse. Hurt gay people. Suggest people will ‘go to hell’ for their sins. Wrongly deem mental health to be demon possession. It’s how they can hurt abuse victims, and protect abusers, and the Royal Commission has highlighted how prevalent that is.

These people don’t know God, don’t know Jesus.

They have simply crafted this fake Jesus, who is really Satan in disguise and they are totally hell-bent on their abusive destruction, all the while serving Satan and encouraging others to do the same.

I love God and I don’t think all churches are like this. There are good churches, and there are good church people.

But too many are not, and it offends my soul……. and as a Christian, it is meant to.

Christians, are not apathetic about this.

Christians, are not apathetic about evil.


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Depression, grieving – robs any capacity for joy, but I’m holding onto knowing I am blessed.

Since shutting down my Facebook page (which is very time consuming), I have more time for other stuff. This can be good and bad……… bad because it means I have more time to think about the bad stuff going on in my life now, and past stuff. And feel all the emotions that go with all that.

So, I am trying my hardest, to get up and do nice things. That mindfulness distraction stuff that I’m meant to do. Even though I don’t really have the energy, or the desire to do anything.

The gardens are looking pretty and I know I am blessed to be able to have nice gardens and lots of pretty plants and all my cutesy stuff. I realise, that whilst my deep depression robs me of feeling joy about this right now, I still have that awareness of being blessed and needing to be thankful, and I am. I just can’t feel the joy that I do know I have felt.

Depression and grieving, robs the capacity to feel joy. And it isn’t intentional, or being selfish. Depression, lack of sleep, fear of how alone I am, abandonment depression, overwhelmed by current issues, as well as prior trauma I have still yet to emotionally deal with, plus all the deep grieving ….. is a heavy load. And should not be minimized, or trivialised.

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Most people don’t have the courage to have integrity to be honest, all the time.

honesty

Honesty, and the capacity to be honest all the time, even under difficult situations, and situations where in the wrong, are not common.

Honesty is a virtue I truly treasure in people, because it is necessary, to be able to trust someone.

If you know someone lies, or distorts the truth, or gaslights, or fails to take ownership of their issues, wrongs……. then you can’t trust them. It is as simple as that.

All those covert behaviours – lying, lying by omission, telling half truths, gas lighting, manipulating the truth, failing to take ownership…. are narcissism, and I will spot these behaviours in people.

And I actually wish I didn’t spot this all the time. Because I see them often and it leads to a lack of trust and an awareness, this person is selfishly self motivated, and lacks the capacity for integrity and honesty.

It takes courage and the willingness to put someone’s else’s needs first, and inner strength, to be a really honest person.

And I know that the capacity for integrity to honesty, also creates negativity from others in their responses, as they do not want to deal in truth and reality.

I think it is really sad, that this quote, is true.

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