Since shutting down my Facebook page (which is very time consuming), I have more time for other stuff. This can be good and bad……… bad because it means I have more time to think about the bad stuff going on in my life now, and past stuff. And feel all the emotions that go with all that.
So, I am trying my hardest, to get up and do nice things. That mindfulness distraction stuff that I’m meant to do. Even though I don’t really have the energy, or the desire to do anything.
The gardens are looking pretty and I know I am blessed to be able to have nice gardens and lots of pretty plants and all my cutesy stuff. I realise, that whilst my deep depression robs me of feeling joy about this right now, I still have that awareness of being blessed and needing to be thankful, and I am. I just can’t feel the joy that I do know I have felt.
Depression and grieving, robs the capacity to feel joy. And it isn’t intentional, or being selfish. Depression, lack of sleep, fear of how alone I am, abandonment depression, overwhelmed by current issues, as well as prior trauma I have still yet to emotionally deal with, plus all the deep grieving ….. is a heavy load. And should not be minimized, or trivialised.
So whilst I am aware of, and know I should not suppress these intense emotions and understanding of how grieving, depression, trauma and PTSD/Complex PTSD affect me, I am also trying to hold onto the awareness of what I do have that is good, instead of all I don’t have.
And forcing myself to have some balance.
My son’s tomato plants are growing well, and he is very excited they now have flowers growing, which will then hopefully mean tomatoes will grow.
It’s these little things – the joy my children have, I love to see within them, that I know keeps me going.