Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My inbuilt switch to ‘working people/behaviours out’ is never off.

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Due to being raised by highly abusive people, and living all my life in a state of fear, hyper vigilance and anxiety, due to needing to survive far too much prolonged abuse, my switch for ‘working people out’, is never off.

It is an inbuilt, sub conscious safety, protection mode, cranked up to the highest setting. And there is no dimmer, there is no off switch.

To some it may appear that I am overly critical, my expectations of others are too high, and it may even appear I believe myself to be ‘better’ than others. Which I can see how that may be how some would choose to view me. But actually it is wrong.

I don’t ‘want’ to have this vigilance/discernment switch on. I don’t want to know why people act the way they do, or know they are not being truthful and all the other things I see. I am sure my life would be easier if I was oblivious to it all.

It creates fear within me, when I see these traits. Quite frankly I would rather not know when I am being lied to, manipulated, gas-lighted, my life would be easier. I wish I could just think people are a bit weird and shrug it off, like most.

I know why my switch in continually on, and it is due to so much abuse and I would much rather none of this had happened. I would rather be someone who thinks most people are great people and those who do wrong, rarely do wrong, which is actually a positive illusion.

I would rather be someone who doesn’t see narcissism in people – and only sees the ‘mask’ people present. I would rather not see traits like lacking empathy, lacking conscience, lacking remorse, lacking guilt, grandiosity, and all the covert narcissism traits. Life is easier then.

It feels like my life is a continual need to ‘work people out’ and when I sense those red flags, which I can sense easily, that is the start of that need to process and work it all out.

I know those red flags ‘cannot’ be ignored,

because that’s how I get hurt.

And once I detect any levels of dishonesty, manipulation, lying etc, I cannot ignore it. And yet this is within most people.

It doesn’t make for an easy life and it is exhausting. I don’t hate people for their issues, in fact often I can see their issues and feel sorry for them as why they have this need to lie, not be honest. lack empathy etc. And I don’t feel I am better than them. Or wish anything bad for them, in fact the opposite. And I have my own issues of shame and fear – but the difference is – I know mine, I am honest and open about them. I don’t hide them, or delude myself they don’t exist. I don’t pretend to be something I am not.

But I have fear and a huge need to protect myself from other people’s issues and I am upfront about that.

And with an abuse history like mine, I see it is not unreasonable that I have this switch permanently on.

Vigilance and discernment, are actually really unpleasant for the person who has them and makes life harder. 

Life would be easier without them.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “My inbuilt switch to ‘working people/behaviours out’ is never off.

  1. Fight , flight, freeze…there is abundant information on brain circuitry. It is helpful to me to research the cause of these responses in the brain. Once I started to understand the brain, I understood my symptoms. How trama effects the amygandala and prefrontal cortex , hippocampus….how learned helpless develops. How Fawning develops. Zoning out.. Heck, one day I may be able to preform LOBOTOMIES.. lol