Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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From now, I intend staying well away from church people.

I have learned a lot of lessons over the last 3-5 years.

Church people, can be the most selfish, deluded and messed up people of all.

They often avoid, minimize, excuse, justify, rationalise, condone and all too often encourage abuse, of different forms. And protect and enable abusers. Under the excuse of (cheap) grace, supposed mercy and forgiveness.

My ex-counsellor, was a church person with clear agenda’s of condoning abuse, raising up abusers, minimizing what they do and shaming victims. Even referring to abusive relationships as ‘adequate’. It’s the church way.

They can be quite cult-like in their needs to condone abuse and I see their issues, and how they hurt people, even though they are blind to it, or worse – some know they are doing it and enjoy it.

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I don’t intend sharing my journey/past etc, with anyone new in my life. Ever.

I have learned the hard way to never share my past, my diagnosis, or anything related to it…. with anyone from now on.

Nothing good comes from sharing about it with anyone physically in my life. Not in my experience.

My newer friendships I am developing, I will not share anything with them. The most I plan to say, is I have anxiety and that will be it.

I’ve lost so many people from my life due to being open and honest and it also makes me vulnerable to it being used as a way to put me down etc, when something happens. It’s the perfect excuse, as I even found out in counselling, for people to not take responsibility, to blame, project etc.

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Calling Jeremy Clarkson’s ‘choice’ to physical assault/abuse a ‘fracas’ = perfect example of society’s need to minimize abuse.

Due to Clarkson’s popularity, all his followers are of course minimizing and trivialising the abuse he made a choice to inflict on someone. And he has a history of abuse.

Many are even going as far as saying the victim deserved what he got.

Wow.

Calling him racist names, verbally abusing him for 20 minutes, and then punching him – over ‘food’ (reportedly) – is verbal and physical assault, abuse. And this should result in anyone getting sacked. Especially when they have a history of abusive behaviours.

But, society just loves to minimize and trivialise abuse – when they have selfish reasons to want to support, condone and encourage the abuser.

Classic example, all over social media, of statements being made of minimizing abuse.

As usual narcissistic/sociopathicpsychopathic abuse – minimized, trivialised, ignored, condoned.

It’s everywhere.

And this is one of the main reasons why abuse of every kind, is increasing.

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I realise my journey may be lifelong. And yet society shames victims, for this.

Victim shaming occurs in so many covert ways, I see so clearly.

The word ‘victim’ itself, is considered ‘shameful’ in society, with even many victims of abuse seeing it as a shameful word and demanding they not be seen as a victim. Choosing other labels like survivor, thriver, healing warrior.

I do consider myself a survivor, because I have survived everything so far. I’m not dead.

But, I am a victim of much abuse, caused by many abusers.

And I refuse to be shamed by that. It wasn’t my responsibility, it is due to those who made choices to abuse me. Their choices, their actions, their responsibility.

Victims of abuse, are given the message by society, that healing ‘fast’ is a sign of strength. If you heal quickly and no longer ‘act like a victim’ – you are deemed stronger. And if you don’t, well you are acting like a victim, and/or not as strong.

Which is simply victim shaming and even many mental health professionals can’t see this.

They think it is ’empowering’ to give ‘better labels’ and then by default, demand that victim keep up with that expectation of being the strong healing warrior they are told to be.

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Poem – Solitary Bird

Poem – Solitary Bird

bird

Strange solitary bird

Always was, will always be

Flying alone

Flying free

Surviving all weathers

Storms, gales & rain

Surviving chaos

Time and again.

No escaping their weathers

Forever unrelenting

Challenging painful climates

Never seem to be ending

Needing to seek safety

By staying alone

Seeking refuge within

Little world of her own

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My daily reminder bracelet. I am free.

DSCF1857

I bought this bracelet, because it reminds me I am free of past abusers. I am no longer captive to them. They are not in my life. I am free of them.

I am not free of the consequences of all their abuse, but I am free of ‘them’.

I am not free of current abuse, I am in an unhealthy marriage, but I survived all the other abuse – I will survive this too.

This bracelet reminds me every day now, I can survive ….. I always do ….. and I always will. And I will do it on my own, because I always have.

I don’t ‘need’ anyone. I can take care of myself. I have done all my life.

I am, and will always be, that solitary bird …….. flying free.

I could write a poem about this.


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Reading ‘Treating Complex Traumatic Stress Disorders’ – Christine. A. Courtois & Julian. D. Ford.

Reading through this book and hoping to learn something.

http://www.amazon.com.au/Treating-Complex-Traumatic-Stress-Disorders-ebook/dp/B005DIARKC/ref=pd_rhf_gw_s_cp_7_57MP?ie=UTF8&refRID=1EBBW1A6B39BR14P78SR

complex disorders book


Jill Meagher died, because the parole board fucked up, again.

http://www.9news.com.au/national/2015/03/27/03/37/parole-board-failed-jill-meagher-others

This happens all the time…….. the parole boards, the people who decide whether someone is fit to leave prison, they fuck up all the time…….. and more deaths occur, more rapes occur, more children are abused and killed.

Same happened with Daniel Morcombe’s killer. He was let out of prison with them knowing – even his own psychologist knowing – he would rape and hurt more children, only this time – he killed him too.

These people who let these monsters out of prison, back into society – have the blood of those killed – on their hands.

They are responsible for protecting society and they fuck it up and let people get hurt and die.

And they will have all sorts of excuses and reasons to hide behind.

Plus there’s all the ‘do-gooders’ – who claim these people can be ‘rehabilitated’ – which is BS, waste all this money on them, and believe they ‘might be rehabilitated enough’ – to not be a threat to society.

Plus, there are those who think – while they are in prison – let’s glorify them with art exhibitions, and make them feel special and worthy of all this attention – like my ex-counsellor believes. Fuck how that makes their victims feel.

But, do these people really think about the reality of what these monsters really are, about the victims, about future victims?

No they don’t.

They don’t give a fuck about the victims.

It’s all about the perpetrators rights, needs, lies, manipulation.


Why I am SO glad I don’t homeschool!

Went to see Peppa Pig last night at Bunnings – which didn’t start until 6pm, so it meant a late night for my children.

They enjoyed it, there was a queue all the way down the store to meet Peppa Pig – she is one popular pig. Then there was a queue for the petting farm animals, then we had to wait for the Easter Bunny.

There were so many people it was ridiculous, and there was music playing and lots of children, and quite frankly for someone with noise and sensory processing issues, anxiety, not liking crowds etc – it was (bleep’ing) horrendous.

But, I did what I had to do, and pretended I was having ‘so much fun’, for my children. And I did love seeing how happy they were and how much fun they were having. And I am very thankful that Bunnings have these free family evenings – it is lovely they do this for the kids.

So, being a late night for my 6 year old, he was a cranky little bugger this morning. Tantrums, refused to put his shoes on, whinging…… fun….not!

By the time I got him to school, I was already O V E R today.

I warned the teacher why he was cranky, wished her luck with that (joking with her), and now I am home thinking THANK GOD I don’t home school!!!

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