Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It’s that time of night.

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In the evenings when everyone is in bed, is when I feel my emotions. I spend most days, trying so hard not to allow my ‘stuff’ to affect my family, that by the time it gets to the evening, I often feel exhausted and unable to keep those emotions from rising up.

The weekends are worse for me, because my children are home all day. This weekend my husband is too.

I had to go out earlier, to get a break. In fact, I went out twice.

Depression, grieving, intense emotions to suppress, PTSD, nightmares, anxiety, counselling ending, the ongoing reality of my marriage, putting on a brave face all day …… is a painful, heavy load to carry.

The grieving is beyond hard … so many relationships, so much abuse and trauma, all compounding and intensifying the severity.

I realise this is one reason I don’t intend to get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to take the risk of ending up grieving that too.

I don’t even know if I can handle the load I have already, indefinitely.

I’ve been grieving since I was a child.

Now, I feel the full weight of the grieving and the knowledge of how horrendous my life has been and how many people have intentionally hurt me, and the pain is beyond description.

And I’m doing it alone, as I have been all my life.

grieving

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “It’s that time of night.

  1. In the throws of these intense emotions is when we feel the most alone.
    I had one of these moments yesterday, it just jumped out at me… seemed like for no reason I just wanted to sit down and have a good cry.
    Sometimes my insides wanna beg someone to just pull me in, pull me close…. but then yea, that would take a lot of energy on my part…
    So I put my ear phones in, turned my music on, grabbed the leash, and took my dog for a walk… to just breathe and try to keep it together so I wouldn’t be walking the street crying.
    Sending you a virtual hug. Keep writing, I enjoy your posts. I don’t like you are hurting, but I do appreciate your transparency.