In the evenings when everyone is in bed, is when I feel my emotions. I spend most days, trying so hard not to allow my ‘stuff’ to affect my family, that by the time it gets to the evening, I often feel exhausted and unable to keep those emotions from rising up.
The weekends are worse for me, because my children are home all day. This weekend my husband is too.
I had to go out earlier, to get a break. In fact, I went out twice.
Depression, grieving, intense emotions to suppress, PTSD, nightmares, anxiety, counselling ending, the ongoing reality of my marriage, putting on a brave face all day …… is a painful, heavy load to carry.
The grieving is beyond hard … so many relationships, so much abuse and trauma, all compounding and intensifying the severity.
I realise this is one reason I don’t intend to get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to take the risk of ending up grieving that too.
I don’t even know if I can handle the load I have already, indefinitely.
I’ve been grieving since I was a child.
Now, I feel the full weight of the grieving and the knowledge of how horrendous my life has been and how many people have intentionally hurt me, and the pain is beyond description.
And I’m doing it alone, as I have been all my life.