Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Trying really hard not to hate myself.

All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.

Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.

I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.

I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.

All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt.  Continue reading


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When the glimmer of hope, is gone.

Denial, lies…. always the choice of those lacking in self insight and lacking in any integrity, empathy, or capacity for honesty.

I guess I had a glimmer of hope that there would be some recognition of the truth in a current situation.

But, now that is gone.

More lies, more denial.

As hard as this will be for me, I have to not respond, because I will just be harming myself more.

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When you feel no joy, you have to keep trying.

I’m aware I am very depressed and struggling, as I don’t even have any joy from e.g. my gardens at the moment. And I did. I was really getting into it. Now I’m just numb about it.

I’m aware I am on autopilot most of the time. I know this is mild dissociation, overwhelmed due to recent issues, which have added to all I have to deal with. It feels beyond reasonable to endure and my life long friend ‘dissociation’ always helps out, so I don’t have to feel intense emotions and fear continually. I see the positives of mild dissociation, rather than all the negatives.

Who wants to feel intense emotions 24/7? I don’t.

But, I must have a bit of fight in me, because in the last few weeks, I am still out every day watering. I have planted a new area in my front yard, which will be lovely as it matures. Plus, I’ve prettied up my little front deck, with some old chairs, some pots and flowers etc. It’s looks nice.

My son is delighted his tomato plants are now all flowering and growing so well and that’s good.

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I probably need counselling, to deal with past counselling.

I realise I probably need counselling, to deal with the crap that went on within my former counselling. The religious agenda’s, the abuse/abuser condoning, the very inappropriate views projected on to me – like hearing abusive relationships being ‘adequate’, the comparing with friends who enable abusers, the patronising and now the outright lies to cover herself.

I have huge issues with trust already, I’ve been lied to all my life. To hear more lies from someone I am supposed to be able to trust, is all very damaging to me, and yet my former counsellor won’t give a crap about that.

It is interesting that she stated once, she believes I am an ‘expert’ in working out people…….. but not ‘her’ of course. She’s special.

She also once told me that when the shit hits the fan in life – she believes ‘everyone’ looks out for their own interests and will let others down. Which I actually disagree with, but it is interesting she said that, because it shows she knows ‘she’ will. And she’s proved that.

The damage caused by an unhealthy therapeutic relationship – to a complex trauma survivor – is massive.

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Writing up a page for my website about emotional self harming. As this is not widely known about.

When people think of self harming, they mostly think about physical acts of self harming, like cutting.

Physical self harm is a very real form of self harm and is an obvious form as it is visible.

But, I have come to know that emotional self harm is even more of a problem and people often don’t even realise they are self harming emotionally as it a subconscious trauma induced behaviour, and often mental health professionals know little about this too.

So, I intend adding a page to my website, explaining this and the many different ways emotional self harming can occur.

It takes a lot of self honesty and self insight to acknowledge emotional self harming, but it is needed.