I realise I probably need counselling, to deal with the crap that went on within my former counselling. The religious agenda’s, the abuse/abuser condoning, the very inappropriate views projected on to me – like hearing abusive relationships being ‘adequate’, the comparing with friends who enable abusers, the patronising and now the outright lies to cover herself.
I have huge issues with trust already, I’ve been lied to all my life. To hear more lies from someone I am supposed to be able to trust, is all very damaging to me, and yet my former counsellor won’t give a crap about that.
It is interesting that she stated once, she believes I am an ‘expert’ in working out people…….. but not ‘her’ of course. She’s special.
She also once told me that when the shit hits the fan in life – she believes ‘everyone’ looks out for their own interests and will let others down. Which I actually disagree with, but it is interesting she said that, because it shows she knows ‘she’ will. And she’s proved that.
The damage caused by an unhealthy therapeutic relationship – to a complex trauma survivor – is massive.
I no doubt need counselling to get through all these ‘messages’ I heard that are not okay.
I no doubt need to try to build up a ‘trustworthy’ therapeutic relationship with someone else, as this is a vital part of my healing.
But, right now, I am so devastated and so hurt, that I can’t even think about.
I am numb about this, because I am too scared to feel my emotions about it.