Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Trying really hard not to hate myself.

by 4 Comments

All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.

Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.

I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.

I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.

All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt. 

I start to feel them, but the fear is too great and I am forcing them back down.

I don’t want to feel emotions anymore.

I would rather remain numb.

Please God…. I will beg You instead, let me just be numb. I cannot take anymore.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Trying really hard not to hate myself.”

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  1. Marissa G.
    March 30, 2015 at 12:25 am

    😦 I am so very sorry for your pain. Please know I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers.

  2. iamnotleah
    March 30, 2015 at 8:29 am

    I so feel you on this. I feel it too, sometimes. But, I pray, God, don’t let us be numb, let us be healed and whole. Huggs

  3. luverley
    March 30, 2015 at 11:15 am

    I don’t want you to be numb. I want you to feel the love your boys have for you. They are real. They truly are. I know you can’t rely on them psychologically but the love and care they have for you is REAL. They will always love you. For you. Because they don’t know the rest. Remember that is what is pure. I’ve been crying with you. I wish this wasn’t so rough on you. Hugs.

  4. nessa3
    March 31, 2015 at 5:09 am

    I sorry your in this place….Ive been stuck in the numb zone…for a month…not really depressed …just here in no mans land….