All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.
Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.
I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.
I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.
All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt.
I start to feel them, but the fear is too great and I am forcing them back down.
I don’t want to feel emotions anymore.
I would rather remain numb.
Please God…. I will beg You instead, let me just be numb. I cannot take anymore.