Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have to find a new counsellor. I know I cannot do this on my own.


I am barely coping each day and mostly only through numbing out all the intense emotions about my marriage, about my ex counsellor… this being on top of all the trauma from my past I have not yet dealt with fully.

I am aware I need to find a counsellor and fairly quickly, because I am aware I may not be able to keep going like I am now, indefinitely.

The thought of even attempting to build up any trust in other counsellor, after all the crap from the last one, puts fear into me. I know I am avoiding dealing with the reality of what was happening in counselling.

I don’t want to talk about my past and everything in it. I don’t want to talk about everything that has happened in the last 3 years.

I don’t want to talk about any of it. But, I know I am going to have to.

I hate my life, and every part of it, except my children.

If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t be here anymore.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “I have to find a new counsellor. I know I cannot do this on my own.

  1. Your post brings tears to my eyes. You sound just like me, except my counselling was so uplifting. But my therapist thought I was ready. I am dealing with multiple childhood abuse and remain so angry and depressed. An anger and depression I’m not sure how to overcome. I also thought about another therapist, but don’t want to explain it all again, nor share my life history. Your last statement of hating your life except your children is exactly where I’m at in my life. If anything happened to my daughter, I wouldn’t be here either. And she’s 32 years old. Thinking about you and feeling like I know you personally. I hope you can find answers and healing. Sincerely, Becky

  2. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I wish I could come and give you a hug and make it better. Depression is a beast. Yes, I have bouts with it as I deal with multiple medical issues. I had a very rough childhood – being in foster care and the abuse that came with it. Two failed marriages. Children taken from me from a vindictive husband. A step-daughter who put me through hell, and people who claimed they loved me and God, showed me what love is NOT. It still hurts sometimes when I remember the sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuse but I talk to God about it and sometimes I get immediate relief, while at other times, it takes a few days to get it together.
    I sure both of you can find a therapist who is trustworthy, loving, caring and truly interested in helping you. I hope your children live a long time because even though it may seem rough, I believe your life is worth something and the posts and comments are evident. You have helped me – both of you.

    God bless you!


  3. Hi Lilly I can relate to your post.

    I’m in bed crying at the moment I have complex PTSD. If it wasn’t for my daughter I WOULD BE DEAD. Before I decided to have her I didn’t realise what I had, what happened or the suffering that lay ahead. If I was given the options between 1. The whole world being blown up, or 2 me dying and leaving her here without a mum, or 3 continuing life as it is, I would take option 1 anytime.

    I’ve spent so much money and time in therapy and healing. I can’t decribe in words. The pieces of the onion layer just keep coming and coming and don’t seem to ever end. I’ve worked through so much and now this stage is my sexual identity and expression. I’m trying to find a specialised psychologist who understands complex PTSD and sexuality. How many of them are around?

    In terms of your therapist I go to great lengths to search, out research, ask questions, have one session suss out, take recommendations, read about the modality then have therapy. Some I’ve seen for five sessions (art therapist) one I saw for 50. (Wise old validating women), one lovely man I saw for 10 (helped me heal from having a safe space with a man who understood me and didn’t take advantage of me) saw a clinical psychologist for 8 sessions (understood the way the mind splits from a psychopath) each one has helped me in their own unique way. I trust my feeling from reading their bio and the way I feel from the first session. Do they have supervision, do they have a code of ethics, do they understand the way multiple trauma impacts on the brain, are they kind hearted, are they self aware and honest, have they worked through their own trauma, are they dedicated to helping you heal? DONT TAKE ANY LESS.

    I need to heal so I can work. I have extremely loose emotional boundaries and repressed sexual boundaries. What an awful painful combination to work through. Another layer of the onion.

    My daughter is happy. She has joy, innocence, delight, peace, understanding and attunement from those around her. I NEVER had that. I have six people in my life who LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY.

    If anyone has any views or suggestions much appreciated. I feel better now. Thanks for all you complex PTSD survivors out there. We are all connected in some way even if it’s invisible coz we all know about the invisible horror trapped in us that apparently one day can be fully healed.

    Do people here think complex PTSD is FULLY healable and recoverable or do we always have a piece of it in us?