It is easier to accept it will never happen ….. than to continually hold hope for, and search for something so deeply yearned and needed …… and never find it.
While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.
It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.
I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.
By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.
By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.
I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.
I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me. Continue reading →
I am going through some pretty highly emotional and challenging stuff at the moment. *sigh.
My childhood and intense emotions I have not dealt with.
Painful grieving at the realisation of how severely my whole life has been affected by my childhood.
Issues in counselling.
Issues in my marriage.
Volunteering and being around new people – and all their many differing issues/needs.
Parents at my youngest son’s school wanting to get together, today I had an invite to a high tea on Friday.
Both the volunteering and parents stuff – increasing anxiety considerably, but I have pushed myself to do it for several reasons, including not continuing to be isolated. Continue reading →
“Hello Lilly, I am a trauma therapist and am impressed with your resources! May I link your website to mine? I have a page with trauma resources too and yours adds a lot, especially from the client’s perspective.” & “Thank you, Lilly! I also found your Facebook page. What a professional and complete body of work you offer to those needing the information and assurance you offer!”
~ Marilyn Brine Gilmour, MSW, LICSW
Natick Counseling and Holistic Therapies
On my facebook page…
” I am a licensed professional counselor who works with those with mental illness to include PTSD. I often share your information and tell clients where to find your page as part of the healing process. You bring so much to help this process. Keep up the good work!
~ Dr. Cassandra Means”
I am being more assertive these days, and not allowing others to invalidate and minimize my journey, and not project their opinions on me.
Doing that face to face with someone, is not easy for me. In fact, I hate it and would rather avoid it at all costs.
Yesterday, I dealt with confrontation with my counsellor and I said what I needed to say. I told her that she has not created a safe enough place for me to speak and projects her own opinions too much. I told her that she has invalidated my own thoughts too often and that her opinion is nothing more than that – an opinion and that she in fact does not have an opinion of my life, and all the trauma and those who caused it, because she was not there.
It was horrible. I hated it. My anxiety was through the roof. I was struggling not to just zone out. I was emotional, defensive, struggled to get my words out, struggled to convey what I meant. And I said I knew I was struggling with it and being defensive.
I explained that I didn’t even feel safe, to explain that I don’t feel safe. Continue reading →
Safety and trust, are the two biggest issues of any complex trauma survivor.
In order for a complex trauma survivor to feel ‘safe enough’ in therapy – they need to know they are being listened to, are being allowed to speak, are being allowed to express all their needed emotions.
As Pete Walker wrote in his book – when you add anything around the subject of compassion for abusers, forgiveness for abusers, too soon in the therapy, it will destroy that survivors trust and deeply harm their healing. Much work is to be done before these subjects should even be raised.
I will also add to this – if a counsellor tells a survivor they are wrong with how they feel about abusers, wrong in how they are trying to deal with their emotions about their abusers (in my case labelling, educating myself about personality disorders), patronises, demeans, rejects their views/thoughts – that will destroy any trust and safety they need and harm their healing.
Complex trauma survivors have had their emotions, needs and feelings shut down continually by the abusers. So when a therapist also repeats this, the damage will be great. It will destroy any trust, as the survivor will feel unsafe.
Therapists need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves, until the survivor has dealt with all their emotions. Yes, help them deal with emotions safely, but do not create barriers to them expressing their emotions.
You don’t help a complex trauma survivor, by mirroring what the abusers did Continue reading →
I have been through hell and I am not going to minimize that for the comfort of others. I need to deal with my past fully and yet there are obstacles to do that.
I am only too aware of the damage that suppressing and minimizing trauma causes. And yet I am still suppressing my emotions about the first 20 years of my life. I am suppressing them, and internalising it into depression, because I have no-one in my life who can help me deal with it. And I realise I cannot do that on my own.
I am aware I need to talk it through and express every bit of pain, hurt, anger, disgust, betrayal – with someone who is actually listening. Someone who does not invalidate and minimize that. Someone who doesn’t project their own opinions …. rejecting my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the process.
If I want to have sheer disgust at what was done to me and about those who enjoyed harming me – I will. Continue reading →
Many therapists are far too ‘opinionated’ and lack insight into complex trauma, and are there just to push their views and their own agenda’s. It is well known that therapists can be ego seekers and they push their own opinions, regardless of how that harms their clients. And too many therapists have big ego’s and work outside of their own capacity of insight and needed understanding of complex trauma.
I just read of a survivor who fired her therapist who kept on defending the clients narc mother, yet never even asked what the mother had done and didn’t even know details of the abuse. So the survivor hadn’t dealt with her emotions either.
So wrong and so damaging.
How dare that therapist demand that survivor dismiss the suffering caused and invalidate the survivors needed emotions, grieving etc. Continue reading →