Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Desperate times, means desperate behaviours.

I think I am at that point, where I’m so filled with fear and depression, that I am no longer thinking in a reasonable way. I’m behaving irrationally right now and at the point where I don’t even know what I am doing.

I am so scared, desperate and consumed with fear.

I feel like I did as a child.

And consumed with intense fear of being abandoned.


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Profoundly unusual lives, due to prolonged childhood complex trauma… produces profoundly different needs.

Reading ‘The Road Less Travelled’ – Dr M Scott Peck, has been a real eye opener for me. In terms of understanding my needs are different, but also to know there are some people out there, who understand these needs.

My trust issues, are massive, and I know that. I have those deep fear issues about trust, and abandonment, for very profound reasons. Reasons that were never my fault, that I never deserved, that I should never have endured.

I don’t want to feel shamed about this anymore. My needs are my needs. I cannot change what they are and just because I have insight and understanding about myself and my needs and can express this, does not make me wrong.

Profoundly unusual lives, with prolonged childhood trauma…….. produces profoundly different needs. 

I cannot be expected to be someone with average needs – like those raised within average ‘good enough’ childhoods.

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So many emails wondering where my Facebook page is.

I’m receiving many emails, asking where my FB page is, and how it is missed. I realise it was inspirational, powerful and helpful, for many…… including mental health professionals and clinicians.

But, I have to do self care at the moment, because things are pretty bad for me personally and I don’t need or deserve the hassle I do receive.

I know why my page attracted negative attention, as well as all the positive attention. Because it was real, gritty, honest and I wrote and posted about the deeper issues.

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Bizarre hour of my life, not what I was expecting at a massage.

Booked a special deal via facebook, for a massage with body treatments. It is based at someone’s house, and that’s okay as my last massage lady worked from home too.

When I got there, it was a home on acreage in the middle of no-where, where they keep horses and chickens etc. The fact that is was isolated, was something that concerned me a bit.

The woman who answered the door seemed very friendly and chatty and explained that her and her partner would be providing the treatments, so I immediately assumed this meant a man, which made me wonder what he would be doing….. But, in walked another woman, and the partner was female. So I realised I was having two lesbians massaging me. That’s okay, I’m totally okay with people being gay, bi-sexual etc…… But, being massaged by two lesbians, is new for me.

The first treatments were face and hand treatments, so I lay on the massage table fully clothed for that. All okay.

When it came to the body treatments I was asked to take off my dress and lie face down. I paused waiting for them to leave the room while I took off my dress….. and they didn’t! I had to take it off in front of them, no screen etc.

This was pretty awkward for me, as I am used to my previous massage lady leaving the room while I undressed and got dressed. So, I took off my dress, and to my great embarrassment, was stood there for a few seconds with nothing on but my undies and then given a towel to put over me as I lay facedown on the table.

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I am SO over having people compare their journey’s.

There are many people who claim to be healed/healing from PTSD and Complex PTSD. And for those who truly are healed – I am so thankful for that and I truly think it is wonderful! It can happen for some people.

But for those who then ‘tell’ everyone else they ‘should’ be able to heal and the same way…….. they truly need to be quiet.

All they are doing is showing a complete lack of empathy and wisdom and instead shaming others who are not healing in the same way.

They are deluding themselves this is ‘inspiration’, but it isn’t for those who’s journey’s are very different. It is demoralising, hurtful and shame inducing.

Each journey is very different and that needs to be recognised and accepted.

If it takes someone a few years to heal,

or 10 years, or 30 years,

or a lifetime….

That is all ‘equally’ okay.

‘Shaming’ survivors for not healing in the same way, or as fast, is not helping anyone.

By comparing and shaming in this way, more trauma occurs and the person not healing the ‘same way’ or ‘as fast’ – is made to feel worse, feel weak and worthless.

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Tears. I realise I need someone like Dr M. Scott Peck, to counsel me.

Reading through ‘A Road Less Travelled’ – by Dr M. Scott Peck, the highly acclaimed psychiatrist, author.

Went straight to the section on love, and the first thing I read in the book, is his attitude and approach to counselling people.

I cried. Floods of tears and pain.

Because his empathy and understanding of how to counsel those abused in childhood, is incredible, and exactly what I need. He talks honestly about how trust and love is needed within a counselling relationship – something many counsellors would say is wrong.

But, how can a severely abused complex trauma survivor, truly open up and trust someone they know doesn’t love them? I know I can’t.

I ‘have’ to know the person genuinely cares about me and loves me, and has my best interests at heart.

He talks about one client, who quit therapy many times, and he knew he needed to persuade her to come back, through phone calls and emails. He knew she needed that reassurance that he really did care.

He understands fear and the massive impact it has on a persons life. And how that affects every relationship, including a therapeutic one.

He understands the deep needs of trust and commitment needed to be shown.

He understands the need for non judgment, not pushing any agenda’s and how the ‘client’s’ needs, are paramount and how the therapist must adapt, and suffer too with the client.

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