I am someone who deals with reality. I don’t do the ‘rationalising’ and ‘putting a good spin’ on abuse and trauma. That is for people who need to do that, because they are unable, or unwilling, to deal with the reality.
The reality of my childhood, and the first 20 years of my life, is that people intentionally planned and continually, daily, abused me. There is no ‘good spin’ about that – not when you are honest and deal with truth. And it is very known in psychology/trauma field that complex trauma in childhood, is significantly more damaging than in adulthood. And I have had both, so I am in a position to know the difference.
Abuse is evil. Planned intentional abuse, is evil. Setting your own child up to be sexually abused by paedophiles, abusing your own child on a daily basis, is evil at work. Silencing your child, is evil. Providing no support, no care, no love, is evil.
I cannot rationalise that as okay. It wasn’t okay. In any way. At all.
It wasn’t a ‘blessing in disguise’. It was not God ‘wanting me to learn’ and ‘bringing me to this pain/suffering.’ To say God was involved, is abuse and very wrong.
I don’t do rationalising.
That’s cognitive distortion.
My mother and step father were mentally ill. Very sociopathic and narcissist. But, they were not insane. They knew what they were doing, they made choices to do it. They wanted me silenced and used every abusive tactic to keep me silent, keep me believing I should tolerate it, accept it and never stand up for myself and that I deserved it.
I have endured considerable abuse. My first counsellor, called me a ‘walking miracle’.
I know not all abuse and trauma is equal, and I know mine is not the worst, but it’s of the severity, and multiple abusers, every kind of abuse ….. to have very severe, life long affects.
I accept this, not because I am weak,
but because I am strong enough
to deal with reality.
To read what experts say, not listen to the voices of uneducated, unhealthy, unhealed people.
I know I will deal with the affects of all the abuse, all my life.
I will be grieving all my life.
I hope that all this will become easier to manage over time and will lesson in severity. But it will never be gone.
But, I am honest and real and insightful enough to know, I am no-where near that point yet, I am still processing, still dealing with fear and the core issues of severe complex trauma. I’m not hiding from that, I’m being honest.
Some criticise my honesty, some claim it to be weakness. Which is very hurtful and quite abusive of them – because they do not know me, how much I have endured, what is in my heart and soul, how deeply I feel things and how much self insight and introspection I have – which does lead to greater depths of understanding of the layers of trauma, and greater emotions and pain, as a result.
This is why I do not criticise others when they are struggling, are in considerable pain, and not doing ‘well’. I have the empathy to understand, this is the nature of the journey, when we are real and authentic about it.
When you don’t choose denial, suppression, or only dealing with shallow layers (band aiding) and instead you choose the really painful road of real processing, real grieving etc – you do suffer more.
I know my journey will take as long as long as it takes.
I don’t put timeframes on it. Or allow others to.
I refuse to allow anyone to minimize my past, my suffering, or my journey.
I refuse to allow anyone to compare mine to theirs, or others.
I refuse to allow anyone to project their view, their opinions, their needs, their journey.
I am refusing to allow anyone to shame me.
No-one has a right to an opinion on my journey, they are not me.
I know I will never ‘get over’ all the severe abuse, I hope to deal with it better over time, and know however long it takes, is okay.
I am thankful to have my blogs re-tweeted and particularly by professionals, highly trained and experienced in psychology.
Prof David Susman – http://davidsusman.com/about/ …. shared this blog post, and has recently sent a message supporting my work, which I am so thankful for.