When other survivors hurt me with their self centred opinions, I don’t hurt them back.

I’ve had so many survivors on social media, ‘tell’ me that they way ‘they’ deal with their journey and what ‘their’ needs are and what ‘their’ therapist says……. is the way ‘I’ should be dealing with my journey.

This often applies to those who are taking the ‘positive only’ thinking route. Or the ‘rationalising’ route. Or the ‘denial’ of how horrendous the abuse actually is route. Or the ones who don’t get that grieving is a big part of healing. Or the ones who choose suppression as a coping strategy. etc.

And the reason I can spot all these different ways people cope/handle their journey – is because I used to have them as my coping methods. And I know that is where they are at.

Now, I am dealing with the deeper aspects of processing the trauma, understanding the affects of the trauma and I don’t cope by using cognitive distortions.

But, I am often deemed to be ‘dealing with it wrongly’. I am deemed to be too negative, and not positive enough. And many other views people choose to have of my journey.

I choose not to retaliate, by pointing out that their way of coping, is ‘their’ level/way of coping and is not how everyone needs to deal with it, and that I used to cope ‘their way’ and now I choose to deal with it in a deeper, more honest and real way.

I don’t tell them how egocentric and ‘all about me’ they are being and that it is very shallow to believe their journey and their way of coping, is the only way.

I don’t do this, because I don’t want to hurt them, even though they choose to hurt me with their opinions.

I don’t tell them, as it is unlikely to help them and will just irritate and piss them off. And that is not what I aim to do with others. I only want to help others.

I don’t tell them how hurtful they are being to me, because they are unlikely to care. ‘Their’ needs are all that matter.

People who only see their own needs – rarely like to be told that their views are limited and not the ‘only way’.

I choose to show them empathy, and see it from their perspective, accept where they are at and how they need to cope, even though they are unable to offer the same to me.

Pics, words, that resonate.

Why being ‘patronised’ is a big deal, to me.

I’m aware I have the capacity to look within, to why things affect and hurt me so much.

Some of the issues I have processed are;

~ I am now terrified of ignoring ‘red flags’ in people’s behaviours. I have ignored, tolerated many red flags in the past, and been very hurt, many times. To ignore them, or tolerate negative behaviours/issues in others, is now impossible. I have deep fear now. Deep fear of being hurt anymore. I have been hurt far more than anyone ever should. By all the significant people in my life.

~ I have psychology knowledge and life experience of knowing what behaviours mean, particularly the negative, narcissistic, type behaviours. And patronising someone, is narcissistic. I am ‘very’ sensitive to these types of behaviours. I’ve endured them all my life. So it becomes a huge red flag.

~ I am aware, that trust is a massive issue for me. Trusting people who do not care about me, and do not have my best interests at heart – is a no-go for me. It is how I have been hurt so severely, so many times. People who don’t care about me and have their own agenda’s, cannot be trusted, as my life has repeatedly shown me. Trusting someone who hurts me, and displays narcissistic traits, is impossible.

It’s devastating to know I was raised by a step father in paedophile ring. And my mother was complicit in it.

I am still having nightmares about this, so I am blogging about it, to help get this out.

My mother met my step father when I was about 4 years old. She married him quickly. As a single mother with a cute young little girl, it is easy to see why both wanted a quick marriage.

My step father had friends who were all sexually deviant, paedophile, sex offender type people. One was a Catholic Church priest who was probably in his 50’s, maybe 60’s. I went to the local Catholic church for the first year few years of my schooling. This priest was connected to this school. My mother and step father were not Christians, never attended church. So it is odd that I went to this Catholic school. I realise why, now.

My step father was already friends with this priest, before my mother met him. I remember this priest being at our home several times. He went to prison for sexually abusing children. I remember my step father defending him.

My step father was also friends before my mother married him, with a paedophile who lived 3 doors away. He moved to a house around the corner of our street when I was about 7 or 8. The house he moved to was secluded, down a lane, and was ideal for a paedophile. I was encouraged by my mother, to go and visit him often.

He sexually abused me for 3 maybe 4 years. Could be longer, I don’t know the dates. You don’t keep a record of it when you are 8 – 9 years old.

This paedophile bought a dog, and I was allowed to name it. And of course go see him more. My mother encouraged this too. When annoyed, and wanting me out of the house, which was often, she would tell me to go round to his house.