I am still having nightmares about this, so I am blogging about it, to help get this out.
My mother met my step father when I was about 4 years old. She married him quickly. As a single mother with a cute young little girl, it is easy to see why both wanted a quick marriage.
My step father had friends who were all sexually deviant, paedophile, sex offender type people. One was a Catholic Church priest who was probably in his 50’s, maybe 60’s. I went to the local Catholic church for the first year few years of my schooling. This priest was connected to this school. My mother and step father were not Christians, never attended church. So it is odd that I went to this Catholic school. I realise why, now.
My step father was already friends with this priest, before my mother met him. I remember this priest being at our home several times. He went to prison for sexually abusing children. I remember my step father defending him.
My step father was also friends before my mother married him, with a paedophile who lived 3 doors away. He moved to a house around the corner of our street when I was about 7 or 8. The house he moved to was secluded, down a lane, and was ideal for a paedophile. I was encouraged by my mother, to go and visit him often.
He sexually abused me for 3 maybe 4 years. Could be longer, I don’t know the dates. You don’t keep a record of it when you are 8 – 9 years old.
This paedophile bought a dog, and I was allowed to name it. And of course go see him more. My mother encouraged this too. When annoyed, and wanting me out of the house, which was often, she would tell me to go round to his house.
The abuse by this paedophile went on for years. I was raped, forced to watch hard core porn and perform sexual acts of him, for several years. I was around the age of 8-9 when it started, and it finished when I was about 12, because I caught him abusing my sister and told my parents. They blamed me for my sisters abuse, saying if I had spoken up earlier – my sister wouldn’t have been abused. They were angry at me and told me never to tell anyone. Later telling me to not phone the new child hotline.
Another person within my step fathers ‘friends’ abused a family member and I know at least one other person my step father employed, went to prison for child sexual abuse.
Another ‘friend’ – a sadistic psychopath friend of my parents, abused me in captivity for several years in my adolescence and he ended up in prison.
Another friend, who was in his 50’s, had a girlfriend who was this man’s best friends’ daughter, and they ran away together, him being in his 50’s and she was a teenager. She was a sweet girl and even as a teenager myself, I knew their relationships was weird, but I was raised in a very abusive environment and to me, this was normal.
And these are just the ones I knew about. I have no doubt there were more.
It is pretty clear my step father was in a paedophile/sex offender/sexual deviants.. ring.
And the worst part about all of this……….. is my mother knew.
She knew what all these men were, including her own husband.
She knew what was happening to me, and she sent me to this paedophile, frequently.
She blamed me for what happened to my sister, and that is horrifically abusive to a child.
How do I ever deal with this?
How do I reconcile a mother, with all this?
She wasn’t a mother, because mothers don’t do this.
She was/is an evil woman.
It is beyond forgivable.
I was raised by evil.
I will never get over this.
It will haunt me forever.