Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It’s devastating to know I was raised by a step father in paedophile ring. And my mother was complicit in it.

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I am still having nightmares about this, so I am blogging about it, to help get this out.

My mother met my step father when I was about 4 years old. She married him quickly. As a single mother with a cute young little girl, it is easy to see why both wanted a quick marriage.

My step father had friends who were all sexually deviant, paedophile, sex offender type people. One was a Catholic Church priest who was probably in his 50’s, maybe 60’s. I went to the local Catholic church for the first year few years of my schooling. This priest was connected to this school. My mother and step father were not Christians, never attended church. So it is odd that I went to this Catholic school. I realise why, now.

My step father was already friends with this priest, before my mother met him. I remember this priest being at our home several times. He went to prison for sexually abusing children. I remember my step father defending him.

My step father was also friends before my mother married him, with a paedophile who lived 3 doors away. He moved to a house around the corner of our street when I was about 7 or 8. The house he moved to was secluded, down a lane, and was ideal for a paedophile. I was encouraged by my mother, to go and visit him often.

He sexually abused me for 3 maybe 4 years. Could be longer, I don’t know the dates. You don’t keep a record of it when you are 8 – 9 years old.

This paedophile bought a dog, and I was allowed to name it. And of course go see him more. My mother encouraged this too. When annoyed, and wanting me out of the house, which was often, she would tell me to go round to his house.

The abuse by this paedophile went on for years. I was raped, forced to watch hard core porn and perform sexual acts of him, for several years. I was around the age of 8-9 when it started, and it finished when I was about 12, because I caught him abusing my sister and told my parents. They blamed me for my sisters abuse, saying if I had spoken up earlier – my sister wouldn’t have been abused. They were angry at me and told me never to tell anyone. Later telling me to not phone the new child hotline.

Another person within my step fathers ‘friends’ abused a family member and I know at least one other person my step father employed, went to prison for child sexual abuse.

Another ‘friend’ – a sadistic psychopath friend of my parents, abused me in captivity for several years in my adolescence and he ended up in prison.

Another friend, who was in his 50’s, had a girlfriend who was this man’s best friends’ daughter, and they ran away together, him being in his 50’s and she was a teenager. She was a sweet girl and even as a teenager myself, I knew their relationships was weird, but I was raised in a very abusive environment and to me, this was normal.

And these are just the ones I knew about. I have no doubt there were more.

It is pretty clear my step father was in a paedophile/sex offender/sexual deviants.. ring.

And the worst part about all of this……….. is my mother knew.

She knew what all these men were, including her own husband.

She knew what was happening to me, and she sent me to this paedophile, frequently.

She blamed me for what happened to my sister, and that is horrifically abusive to a child.

How do I ever deal with this?

How do I reconcile a mother, with all this?

She wasn’t a mother, because mothers don’t do this.

She was/is an evil woman.

It is beyond forgivable.

I was raised by evil.

I will never get over this.

It will haunt me forever.

imagessad

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “It’s devastating to know I was raised by a step father in paedophile ring. And my mother was complicit in it.

  1. Lilly, this is so, so devastatingly horrific. I can’t even imagine. I am so truly sorry and saddened by all you have had to endure. No one deserves this. How you have remained sane and empathetic, kind, compassionate, a good mother, an honest person who tries to help others is truly unbelievable and a testament to your character.

    • Thank you Marissa, your words are so kind and caring ❤

      I am still processing all this, and I still haven't dealt with my emotions about my mother, which is why I am still having nightmares.

      As a mother myself, I cannot comprehend how any mother can do this to their own child. To be set up to be so severely abused, by my own mother, feels like a level of betrayal and harm, that feels unbearable some days.

      And I know so many other survivors of severe child abuse, are facing this too, which breaks my heart. I want others to know, I understand their level of pain and grieving this causes and that it is okay – to feel this and to struggle with this. It's why I share my journey. Because so many suffer in silence.

      I am glad though, to see there are experts in trauma, abuse, child abuse …. increasingly starting to understand the deep effects of child abuse and how compassion and empathy is so needed.

  2. So sorry you going through this lilly. I believe my mother was too oblivious by her own mental health she didn’t realise and then it was too late. She’s still blind and says mean shit. She only loves her boys. I been thinking of how you are. Not being on facebook is great but miss some good people I’ve met. Good to get out out however you can. Safe hugs.