I’ve had so many survivors on social media, ‘tell’ me that they way ‘they’ deal with their journey and what ‘their’ needs are and what ‘their’ therapist says……. is the way ‘I’ should be dealing with my journey.
This often applies to those who are taking the ‘positive only’ thinking route. Or the ‘rationalising’ route. Or the ‘denial’ of how horrendous the abuse actually is route. Or the ones who don’t get that grieving is a big part of healing. Or the ones who choose suppression as a coping strategy. etc.
And the reason I can spot all these different ways people cope/handle their journey – is because I used to have them as my coping methods. And I know that is where they are at.
Now, I am dealing with the deeper aspects of processing the trauma, understanding the affects of the trauma and I don’t cope by using cognitive distortions.
But, I am often deemed to be ‘dealing with it wrongly’. I am deemed to be too negative, and not positive enough. And many other views people choose to have of my journey.
I choose not to retaliate, by pointing out that their way of coping, is ‘their’ level/way of coping and is not how everyone needs to deal with it, and that I used to cope ‘their way’ and now I choose to deal with it in a deeper, more honest and real way.
I don’t tell them how egocentric and ‘all about me’ they are being and that it is very shallow to believe their journey and their way of coping, is the only way.
I don’t do this, because I don’t want to hurt them, even though they choose to hurt me with their opinions.
I don’t tell them, as it is unlikely to help them and will just irritate and piss them off. And that is not what I aim to do with others. I only want to help others.
I don’t tell them how hurtful they are being to me, because they are unlikely to care. ‘Their’ needs are all that matter.
People who only see their own needs – rarely like to be told that their views are limited and not the ‘only way’.
I choose to show them empathy, and see it from their perspective, accept where they are at and how they need to cope, even though they are unable to offer the same to me.
I maintain empathy for others, and try to do what is best for them, whilst receiving the opposite.
Just because many ‘hurt people – hurt people’ – does not mean I have to join in.
And I do realise often this is unintentional hurt, due to being so consumed with their own pain, their own needs. And they can’t see past that.
We can all hurt people unintentionally, and I realise I can too, and I would hope people could respond to me, with empathy and not want to retaliate.
Real empathy, is thinking of others and their needs, even when they do the opposite.