Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


“All parents just do their best”. Bullshit. Some intentionally harm and abuse their children.

I hate that expression ‘all parents just do their best’. Just read this on Twitter, and it’s really upset me.

So wrong and completely minimizes child abuse and makes excuses for abusers.

My ‘parents’ did not fucking ‘try their best’ at all.

They intentionally harmed me, daily. They knew what they were doing was wrong, because they hid it, lied about it and made me keep quiet about it.

I hate abuse being minimized, justified and excused.

Really, really upsets me, and I know this attitude upsets others.

And I know people who make these statements don’t mean to cause harm, but they do.

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Why am I searching for info on my birth father? Because I want someone, to love me.

The issue of my birth father comes up for me, from time to time. I often wonder whether genetics played a big part in why I am so different to my sisters. They both have their seriously mentally disturbed father in their genetics, that I do not have as part of mine.

My mother’s sister – my aunt – gave me my birth father’s name and possible address/phone number back in 2007. I know that was the year, because I just searched emails from her and the email she sent me then, is still in my email inbox. I don’t delete personal, important emails, so I have an inbox of over 2700 emails, not deleted.

I’ve always maintained I don’t want contact with him, because it could well lead to more rejection and hurt. And I am aware I am the product of an affair my mother had with him and he was already married 10 years before I was born. My aunt told me that too. And I don’t want to cause any family issues and expose possible secrets, hurt his wife etc.

But, he is my father. And I do have a right to know who he is, contact him in a careful way. And he lives just over an hours drive from where I live.

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It is wonderful to see all the many amazing professionals, clinicians, advocates for mental health, abuse, child abuse.

Dealing with so much pain, grieving, fear, and processing of my severe trauma past, means I am prone to fixating on the darker sides of life and those who cause it, and not finding/seeing that balance of the all the good that so many in this world – are doing.

I’m not going to ‘beat myself up’ about my deeper awareness of the darker sides of humanity, because there are profound reasons. Reasons you don’t just ‘get over’. And grieving trauma to the severity I have endured, is very painful.

But, I do try to see all the many good people, the many working hard, with empathy and compassion, all collectively helping many and doing such needed work.

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The neglect in my own childhood, I don’t repeat in parenting my own children.

Today, is Easter Sunday and I see what others have as family traditions for Easter and I take notice.

My mother barely provided the absolute basics of parenting. I didn’t learn so much from her. There was serious levels of neglect in so many ways, as well as being combined with severe abuse.

Family traditions, I did not learn. My mother, barely provided any. We had Christmas dinner, Christmas presents, but even that was a chore for her, and our stockings were plastic disposable shopping bags. She could sew, knit – had expensive sewing and knitting machines, yet could never be bothered to make decent stockings for us. As an  adult, I rarely received even a Birthday card, and if I did, it was always late. As a child, we had a few Birthday presents, and an Easter egg at Easter. That’s it. There was virtually no effort provided. Bare basics. Her children, weren’t worth anything more.

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