The issue of my birth father comes up for me, from time to time. I often wonder whether genetics played a big part in why I am so different to my sisters. They both have their seriously mentally disturbed father in their genetics, that I do not have as part of mine.
My mother’s sister – my aunt – gave me my birth father’s name and possible address/phone number back in 2007. I know that was the year, because I just searched emails from her and the email she sent me then, is still in my email inbox. I don’t delete personal, important emails, so I have an inbox of over 2700 emails, not deleted.
I’ve always maintained I don’t want contact with him, because it could well lead to more rejection and hurt. And I am aware I am the product of an affair my mother had with him and he was already married 10 years before I was born. My aunt told me that too. And I don’t want to cause any family issues and expose possible secrets, hurt his wife etc.
But, he is my father. And I do have a right to know who he is, contact him in a careful way. And he lives just over an hours drive from where I live.
Maybe in not contacting him, I am denying myself of a relationship which may be an okay one. He could be a family member I could have some kind of relationship with.
I am also aware, it could be more emotional pain, rejection and issues, that I really don’t need.
I’m aware I have this deep longing for a father. For family. And I know he has sons, so I have half brothers too.
My husband can find out where my birth father lives and whether he is known to be a dodgy person, or not.
I’ve always said I won’t pursue this. But, I’ve also never felt as desperate for someone to love me, as I do now. Because now I realise my mother, step father, sisters etc, absolutely never loved me. They did the opposite of love.
I probably won’t pursue this, but I also know I will live with the ‘what if’s’ all my life, if I don’t.