Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why am I searching for info on my birth father? Because I want someone, to love me.


The issue of my birth father comes up for me, from time to time. I often wonder whether genetics played a big part in why I am so different to my sisters. They both have their seriously mentally disturbed father in their genetics, that I do not have as part of mine.

My mother’s sister – my aunt – gave me my birth father’s name and possible address/phone number back in 2007. I know that was the year, because I just searched emails from her and the email she sent me then, is still in my email inbox. I don’t delete personal, important emails, so I have an inbox of over 2700 emails, not deleted.

I’ve always maintained I don’t want contact with him, because it could well lead to more rejection and hurt. And I am aware I am the product of an affair my mother had with him and he was already married 10 years before I was born. My aunt told me that too. And I don’t want to cause any family issues and expose possible secrets, hurt his wife etc.

But, he is my father. And I do have a right to know who he is, contact him in a careful way. And he lives just over an hours drive from where I live.

Maybe in not contacting him, I am denying myself of a relationship which may be an okay one. He could be a family member I could have some kind of relationship with.

I am also aware, it could be more emotional pain, rejection and issues, that I really don’t need.

I’m aware I have this deep longing for a father. For family. And I know he has sons, so I have half brothers too.

My husband can find out where my birth father lives and whether he is known to be a dodgy person, or not.

I’ve always said I won’t pursue this. But, I’ve also never felt as desperate for someone to love me, as I do now. Because now I realise my mother, step father, sisters etc, absolutely never loved me. They did the opposite of love.

I probably won’t pursue this, but I also know I will live with the ‘what if’s’ all my life, if I don’t.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Why am I searching for info on my birth father? Because I want someone, to love me.

  1. You will do what is right for you when and if. But you are right. What if he is the one person in your life that could be the one to love you unconditional like you deserve and always have deserved. There is a chance though and at least you know that it could bring more hurt. But it’s 50 50 i suppose. Half empty or half full scenario.

  2. I support you in whatever you decide ❤