After deciding I was stopping counselling and letting her know that, and why….. I panicked. I realise that due to so much severe interpersonal trauma/abuse, I am not good with interpersonal skills, particularly of the face to face confrontation, negative issues, being hurt – type stuff.
I know I have a lot of fear regarding getting hurt, seeing ‘stuff’ in others that flags up as not okay, or is hurting me.
I know I have discernment and also hypervigilance and I can move up and down that continuum, between the two. And when it comes to relationships where I have to have any trust now, I have more fear.
‘Trust no-one’ has been my motto most of my life. And yet, I have tried to trust people who claimed to care about me – and got really hurt as a result.
Coming to terms with the reality of my past trauma and the people who were meant to love me, but harmed me so severely, plus coming to terms with trauma I endured from church people more recently, plus the reality of marriage – has now resulted in considerable betrayal, hurt, pain and fear.
I desperately crave a relationship in which I can trust someone, yet I also deeply fear that. And I am very aware fear of trust and being ‘wired for fear’ – are the core of complex trauma, Complex PTSD, due to significant child abuse.