Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Asked to see my counsellor, to try to talk about all the issues that have been upsetting me.

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After deciding I was stopping counselling and letting her know that, and why….. I panicked. I realise that due to so much severe interpersonal trauma/abuse, I am not good with interpersonal skills, particularly of the face to face confrontation, negative issues, being hurt – type stuff.

I know I have a lot of fear regarding getting hurt, seeing ‘stuff’ in others that flags up as not okay, or is hurting me.

I know I have discernment and also hypervigilance and I can move up and down that continuum, between the two. And when it comes to relationships where I have to have any trust now, I have more fear.

‘Trust no-one’ has been my motto most of my life. And yet, I have tried to trust people who claimed to care about me – and got really hurt as a result.

Coming to terms with the reality of my past trauma and the people who were meant to love me, but harmed me so severely, plus coming to terms with trauma I endured from church people more recently, plus the reality of marriage – has now resulted in considerable betrayal, hurt, pain and fear.

I desperately crave a relationship in which I can trust someone, yet I also deeply fear that. And I am very aware fear of trust and being ‘wired for fear’ – are the core of complex trauma, Complex PTSD, due to significant child abuse.

My counsellor – makes it very clear she is not perfect, makes mistakes, apologises for this and will continue to not be perfect, because she is human. As we all are. And I have respect for that honesty and humility, whilst also fearing that reality too.

I (kinda) joke with her that I want her to be perfect, to never hurt me, never say anything wrong, and understand me completely. That way I can trust her. Not asking for much am I! **rolls eyes. Of course it is totally unreasonable and it is my fear issues that I know I have, and I am completely honest about, that creates this deep need within me to protect myself from getting hurt anymore.

I know I need to stand up for myself, say when someone hurts me, say when something is not okay. And she does allow me that. She knows I am not comfortable standing up for myself, I struggle with it and when issues arise from that and it becomes overwhelming, I just shut down and want to run away.

She made time to see me today, and yet she isn’t working because she is taking time off, due to her daughters wedding. She even offered to see my over the weekend if I needed that, but I knew I could wait.  She spent two hours with me today, when she could have said I needed to wait until she back in work. And I do really appreciate that she offered her time today. I blogged how I need someone to go beyond the ‘normal’ boundaries, and she did. Without me asking her to, and I have noted this.

She also spoke of discussions she has had with her supervisor about me and how we can navigate these issues that have been coming up. It was suggested we deal with whatever is ‘feeling’ not okay, in the moment. Talk about it as it comes up and discuss it. Which sounds very wise, but often I don’t figure out why something is ‘not okay’ until later, when I have processed it more. So, I will try but I don’t know how much it will help.

The emphasis is really on my communication skills and capacity to deal with ‘red flags’ and ‘feeling’ that something is wrong/not okay, in a safer way. And that she understands my need to do that and is okay and wanting me to do that.

I have more to write about this, but I am still thinking about it all.

Oh and it was suggested I talk with her about my mother and all my emotions about that. I so do ‘not’ want to discuss her. But, I know I need to. I know I have not dealt with all that and the reality of how severely she abused me. *sigh.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Asked to see my counsellor, to try to talk about all the issues that have been upsetting me.

  1. Keep going lilly keep going!!!! It’s worth it, 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

  2. Phew that’s a lot to be going through right now. So glad she made the time to see you. You will get through this. It’s just really rough as shit right now but you will get through. Hugs