Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I don’t have any hope for my life to get any better.

I know I’m supposed to have hope. I know I am supposed to have this belief that it will get better. But, I don’t.

I’ve given up expecting anything to get better, because it never does. And I have tried. I’ve been doing everything I can – counselling, educating myself, reading everything I can, being honest about myself, my past, my trauma, my emotions, my suffering. I was reaching out to others, but my passion for that is fading, along with my hope.

I can see me closing down the remaining social media, website etc. Reaching out to others, was my passion. But, now I have no passion for anything anymore.

I’ve given up. I can feel that within me.

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The truth and reality – is much harder to deal with.


The truth and reality of my past, all the trauma, those who caused it…….. is much harder to deal with than the denial, suppression, minimizing etc – I used to use to cope.

The reality of knowing how much the abuse has affected me, is causing me intense emotions.

The truth, is devastating.

And causes deep grieving.

Cheap grace……… the ruin of many church people ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

Reading through ‘The Cost Of Discipleship’ – Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and it is challenging for me. Many terms used I don’t know, and Bonhoeffer is clearly way beyond my intellectual level, but I am attempting to take it in.

This is going to take time for me to read, and digest. And that’s okay. God, Jesus, my faith, are worth it. And I need spiritually feeding and nourishing and I need that from wise and spiritually progressed Christians.

This following section, I understand.

This cheap grace has been no less disastrous to our own spiritual lives. Instead of opening up the way to Christ it has closed it. Instead of calling us to follow Christ, it has hardened us in our disobedience.

Perhaps we had once heard the gracious call to follow him, and had at this command even taken the first few steps along the path of discipleship in the discipline of obedience, only to find ourselves confronted by the word of cheap grace. Was that not merciless and hard?

The only effect that such a word could have on us was to bar our way to progress, and seduce us to the mediocre level of the world, quenching the joy of discipleship by telling us that we were following a way of our own choosing, that we were spending our strength and disciplining ourselves in vain – all of which was not merely useless, but extremely dangerous.

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Kindled ‘The Cost Of Discipleship’ – Deitrich Bonhoeffer.

As I am very aware of the destruction caused by all the church people who engage in cheap grace and cheap forgiveness, and how I knew instinctively this was wrong, before I knew about Bonhoeffer’s work……. it would be good for me to read his books.

So, I’ve kindled his most read book, and will learn some more. I choose to only consider the views and thoughts of wise and deeply studied Christians, who are clearly past the ‘stage 3’ faith progression.

I choose to be an authentic person and not do anything just to ‘feel’ or ‘look’ like a ‘good Christian’.

‘Cheap’ anything…… is not of God. It is not what Jesus modelled, but people fail to understand the real and deeper Biblical meanings.

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I don’t do ‘cheap grace’ and ‘cheap forgiveness’. That’s for immature church people.

I am not wrong because I do not engage in cheap grace or cheap forgiveness.

I understood how these were wrong, even before I read about them. I am often very aware of bad theology and poor, disordered behaviours, long before I even read the views of others about this.

I know I have been identified as being well past the faith stage of most Christians, most church people.

Yet these very immature church people, often preach and project their own issues with this, onto others, demanding others do the same. I wish they would be quiet, and stop preaching what Satan wants.


One of the contemporary church’s pillars of thought is the recent notion that our chief business as Christians is forgiveness—forgiveness of everyone, all the time, without exception, and without confession or repentance as a prerequisite. In its present form, it appears to be just another version of what German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer called “cheap grace.” He defined this phenomenon as follows:

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without repentance, is baptism without church discipline, is communion without confession of sins, is absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without the living and incarnate Jesus Christ. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Nachfolge, 15th ed. Munich: Christian Kaiser Verlag, 1985, 14).

Christian counselors and motivational speakers today advise us that our responsibility is to forgive all those who do us wrong. We are called upon to forgive immediately, without waiting for the offender to ask for forgiveness, or even before he senses the need for it. We’re reminded, “We’re all sinners in God’s sight. All sin is equally bad.” Or, “If we don’t offer this kind of forgiveness, then God will not forgive us,” and, “Jesus’ blood covers it all anyway!”

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Typical, a church person ‘had’ to come to my blog and ‘tell’ me about forgiveness… and shame me some more.

I wrote a recently blog about how I am a Christian and I have every right to judge those who abused me intentionally and enjoyed it.

Typically, a church person ‘had’ to come along and ‘tell’ me that God won’t forgive me of my sins – if I don’t forgive my abusers of theirs, and how ‘she forgave’ people. Spiritual abuse. Religious shaming. How dare she fucking ‘tell’ me how fucking wonderful she thinks she is, and how I should think like her. Who is she? God. No.

And also she went on to ‘tell’ me all about what ‘she’ has done – just to shame me some more. Even using phrases like ‘you may not like this but…..’.

Abusive people love those phrases….. it’s like saying ‘I may be a bitch saying this but…..’. All it shows, is ‘you are a bitch’. If you know something is likely to hurt someone and you don’t even know them, don’t fucking say it. It’s called ’empathy’.

Some people have such a lack of empathy and such an ‘entitlement’ attitude to ‘tell’ others what they should think and do and lord it over people who are not doing the same.

Quite frankly, she can leave me and my blog alone.

She can take her opinions and her religious attitudes and her shaming and shove them up her butt.

And I don’t give a flying fuck whether she is some ‘author’.

I am so sick of church people and their opinions.

Leave me the fuck alone.

This is why I don’t go to church. They can be the worst for shaming abuse survivors.